This is a follow up to the earlier post about my grandmother.

I certainly would not read anything into this other than it was a chance to me to see the scope of life. Yesterday I touched my grandma as her organs began to shut down, today at the noon meeting my friend Lee's sister told me to hold her baby so she could grab a smoke. I looked down out that tiny 3 week old baby in my arms and I was so aware that everyone has an entrance and an exit. How anyone could teach this little thing enough to make his way in the world is beyond me. How do you try and show a baby how to be a good human. He is only three weeks into his life and my grandma is 3 inches from leaving hers. Both have been awesome and moving experiences and I have nothing but hope for us all.

What a Priveledge I had yesterday.

My grandmother's body had begun the process of shutting down and preparing her to leave on Friday. When I woke up I heard the voice of intuition tell me to get dressed, drive to Daingerfield and sit with her a while. Just as I was putting on my shoes my aunt called and I told her I was on my way to the nursing home. My grandmother was in her bed and the back was raised so it looked like she was semi sitting up. She held her neck up and I was supprised she wasn't laying flat out but my aunt told me because of the copious amounts of fluid build up she couldn't lay down flat. She was very quiet and only made noises as pain waves would hit her. Even the noise and the long physical drawing up of pain were hushed and muted.

I stroked her hair several times and touched her face and arm as I spoke to her. Her eyes would open periodically but she wouldn't appear to focus on anything in particular. The wonderful nurse she has tried to get her to eat horrible looking ground up and wet down food but it really wasn't happening.
I sat there with my aunt who has been there every step of the way as age, then Parkinson and Alzheimers took over. She received more verbal tirades than anyone should hear from their mother due to her illnesses. She just needed someone to sit and let her talk as we sat beside with my grandmother, who's organs were shutting down. There were moments when it was quiet, and my grandma with tense up and moan. Then relax again. At one point I felt so much peace fill the room that the hair on my arms stood up. The world didn't exist outside that little room, with my grandma , my aunt and me, surrounding by the pictures and things that represented Grandma's time on the planet.

My grandma is 93 years old and she has been stuck in a nursing home for a long time. Her leaving isn't so much an ending but more like being set free from a miserable place and from a body that has been out to get her for the last 50 years. lol

I would not have had this sacred experience, just as sacred as being in a room that is filled with a life being brought into the world, if I wasn't clean. I may have been in the room but I would have missed the experience all together. I'm grateful beyond words not to have had to take some xanax, valium, Klopine, shot of liquor, in order to get my body where it was suppose to be and yet miss the miracle of being present and in it.
It is something that if you had told me I would have made the short drive and stayed there without looking at the clock every five minutes to insure my impersonation of a caring person looked real then stayed there the appropriate amount of time I would not have believed you.

When I get to clear my head of all the trash of "What a good boy does" and I take my spiritual centeredness that the program and my own spiritual practices grant me, I suddenly can enjoy/be apart of/feel the life that unfurls in front of me. Real life.

I am so thankful to be a human, a recovering addict and a being of spirit that has the capacity to feel , love and understand on a super-human level that life is indeed quiet and sacred. Sacred not just in the end but in the moment.

I'm not sure how much long it will be before she finally gets a clear exit out of that old woman's body but I know she has earned the right to rejoin whatever source origin she came from. I think the source is love, and I send her with love to love.

Sitting with grandma for a couple of hours may have enlightened me in my own life to just how beautiful every part of the experience is, the experience of one more hour on the spinning rock, 3rd from the sun.

This was a note to a friend with Job issues and addiction issues. I wanted to save a copy to read later.

M, I had to make a "for real" decision. Is the world a place of lack or is the world filled with more than enough. My choice shades the things I see and experience. When I remember that I am enough and the world has plenty, I don't stress so much. There is either enough or there isn't. My experience with stopping drinking was that it popped up in the form of pills, which turns to my original drug of choice food. When my illness perceives I am going to be shorted , slighted or left to die I reach for something that makes me feel good. Food, sex, alcohol, pills, food has been my progression of quick fixers. And they all have individually kicked my as repeatedly.

Don't let the fantasy of work or "Mike at Work" make you forget the difference between attaching identities to you for the simple ease of not having to become the real you. In the 50's men were "business men" who joined "Chamber of Commerce" and "Elks Lodge" and they were "Republicans" and "Methodist" and "husband" and "father". All of those things let the ego tell those men that is so they were but those were just identifiers that allowed them to be and function without having to look to deep. I know who I am, look at all the clubs I am in. Remember how a club was formed for Saturn Drivers. People used it to join a larger group that supplied some form of identification for them. One reason I got tired of the AA group I used to go to is they filtered everything in their life the the premise of "I'm alcoholic'. It's like that was the only thing about themselves they could claim. For me, I know I have to balance out in my life and reconcile my choices with the Narcotics Anonymous Program I work, but Addiction doesn't define me. In fact I think being an addict and gay are two of the least interesting things about me. Don't even get me started on the men who's soul mission is to perfect being "a gay man". I don't have the money or the costumes to be a professional gay guy( or the desire).

Life is really something

We go along assuming that we have seen it , done it and felt it all then suddenly, boom. Your exposed to something foreign and completely different from anything you have know. I dreamed last night that I had fallen in love. I fell in love with someone who loved me back. The chemicals that get produced in our brains when we fall in love must have kicked in in my dreams because the love was intense , powerful, consuming yet gentle. It was so fantastic that when I woke up this morning my body seemed to be mourning for the loss of the dream love. I've been 5 inches from sad all day. It isn't the sad without hope that is drepression, it is just the sad for a loss of something that was beautiful.

I've never been in love as an adult. I have learned to get the most out of flirty school girl crushes, but I haven't been in love with anyone since I was 18 years old. For most of the time in between, I certainly wouldn't have been able to love much in return if there had been someone. The dream only reminded me what was possible. I'm much closer to being able to hold my end of a relationship up because I have many moments strung together now, where I feel like I am worthy of being on the planet AND that I have something important to give away.

In many ways the dream of being head over heels in love with something has only high lighted the fact that I have a place for it in my heart and I deserve unconditional love.

This is part Basic text and part someone's experience with the NA program and their take on spirituality.

Recovery depends on the awakening and growth of spirituality, and our lives depend on our relationship with what we believe is the source. The Spiritual Tenets express some of our most basic ideas about spirituality in Narcotics Anonymous. They are the foundation upon which our Steps, Traditions, and Concepts of Service are built. They make possible our individual and collective surrender to, and dependence on a loving God of our own understanding. They are the keys to our freedom.

1.There are no "Good days" or "Bad days" there are just days.

In Narcotics Anonymous we live "Just for Today"; we acknowledge, and let go of, our painful pasts and trust the future to the care of a loving God. In recovery, absolutes lose their meaning; we find that all things in life are a mixture of good and bad, of positive and negative. We begin to look at the events and situations in our lives as opportunities or gifts from God; each one is of value and provides a chance for us to learn and grow. We believe that each day we are given a reprieve from our active addiction; and that it is only our attitudes and our actions that limit our recovery.

2.There is a spiritual power greater than any individual.

Personal power has proven to be a complete failure for us, human effort has not been able to cure our addiction or keep us from destroying ourselves, our only hope for salvation seems to lie in a spiritual power. Our Steps are designed to awaken, develop, and maintain a relationship between us and a Higher Power. When we use the term "God" we are referring to a spiritual power that is loving, caring, and greater than ourselves. This power has the ability to care for us, restore us to sanity, and set us free. We also believe that there is a "God of our Fellowship" that we each personalize according to our perceptions and beliefs; it is this God that protects our fellowship, helps it grow, and makes recovery possible for the addict who still suffers.

3.Faith is the key to our new way of life.

In recovery, we come to depend on a power greater than ourselves rather than our own resources. Faith is composed of belief, trust, and acceptance. Belief is the lowest form of faith, it is conceptualization. Trust is the application of belief in our lives, it is action based on what we believe. Acceptance is the highest form of faith, it is instinctive rather than conceptual. In recovery we reach a point where we no longer need to know the "why's" and "wherefore's"; our actions become appropriate without the need for conscious thought. Our instincts change from destructive and misguided to constructive and spiritually correct. Recovery is a natural way of life.

4.Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religion.

Spirituality is the relationship a person has with what they believe in. A religion presents a specific concept of a deity, a specific code of ethics, and a specific method. In N.A. we believe, unconditionally, that all members have a right to their own religious beliefs and concept of a higher power. N.A. is inclusive rather than exclusive. Each of us follows our own path based in spiritual principles; we believe in believing and have faith in faith. Our fellowship is based on learning how to apply spiritual principles in our daily lives; coming together for mutual support and care; and one addict helping another through sharing, sponsorship and service. Narcotics Anonymous recovery is something that happens within the individual; it is the way we live; we are Narcotics Anonymous.

5.Narcotics Anonymous is based on spiritual principles.

There are basic spiritual truths that are universally correct; they are not dependent on time, place, personality, or circumstance. "Our program is a set of principles, written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives." There are many spiritual principles expressed in our literature; honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the most basic and make change and growth possible for us. The active application of spiritual principles is the basis of recovery from the disease of addiction. "There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery, that is an attitude of indifference or intolerance towards spiritual principles."

6."True spiritual principles are never in conflict."

We believe in a loving God as our ultimate authority and as the source of spiritual principles. By definition, something that is universally correct can not be true sometimes and false at other times. One aspect of God is harmony, and there can be no disharmony or contradiction between principles that are spiritually centered or "God centered". Actions that are spiritually correct can not violate any spiritual principle; when our actions violate any spiritual principles, they are not spiritually correct. We utilize this basic truth as a guide for appropriate action and decision making in Narcotics Anonymous.

7."What goes around, comes around."

This program saying is an expression of the principle of reciprocity and is fundamental in our way of life. Recovery is a reciprocal experience: we get out of it what we put into it, we reap what we sow, people treat us the way we treat them, and the way we live determines the way we live. If we base our lives on dishonesty, disrespect, destructiveness, closed-mindedness, negativity, and selfishness then we will be miserable; if, on the other hand, we base our lives on honesty, respect, caring, willingness, open-mindedness, positive action, constructive effort, and love then we will be happy and at peace. A life based on the active application of spiritual principles is its own reward; we become part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

8.Recovery is a spiritual journey.

"We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." The purpose of our way of life is recovery from the disease of addiction. In order to achieve this we must grow spiritually. We often say "Work the Steps", by this we mean live the N.A. way; approach life by utilizing a set of directions based on spiritual principles. We change the way we live by following a new set of instructions, we do not change the instructions to fit the way we want to behave. We believe that we never fully complete the steps and that "Living the Program" means we apply the principles of recovery to every area of our lives on an ongoing basis.

9.Recovery is based on Divine Intervention.

When we share our experience, most of us relate a series of unplanned events that led us to find recovery in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. We believe that these events did not happen by chance; but rather that they represent evidence of a loving God intervening in our lives. If we live by spiritual principles we are always given what we need and never given more than we can handle. This happens with such consistency that, in time, most of us find it had to deny the presence of a Higher Power working in our lives, and in the lives of other N.A. Members. As our ability to depend on God increases, God's presence in our lives increases. The degree to which we surrender our will and our life to the care of a loving God is equal to the extent to which we are freed of our disease and our self-destruction.

10.God works through people: "I can't, we can".

We call Narcotics Anonymous a "we" program, and believe that if we are left to our own devises we will continue to destroy ourselves. According to our literature, addiction is progressive, incurable, and fatal. We are powerless over our addiction; we cannot recover simply by our own power of will, we need each other. "An addict alone is in bad company" and isolation is a symptom of our disease; only by mutual support and interdependence do we recover. God works through each one of us once we surrender. We find we are given words beyond our understanding and talents beyond our ability. We express our trust in God by depending on each other; and by caring for each other we are offering ourselves as an extension of God's grace and love. "One addict can best understand and help another addict."

11.Recovery is a series of surrenders.

"Surrender means that we do not have to fight anymore." The internal battles that have raged within us for many years are set aside in our recovery. We are free to become who we are and no longer have to live in contradiction to our inner nature. We begin to recover by letting go of the contradiction between the reality of our addiction and the illusion that we are in control of our using and our lives. Surrender is inherent in each of our Steps; and each time we consciously work a Step we make another surrender. Each time we surrender it goes a little deeper and the burden is lightened a little bit; ongoing spiritual growth implies an ongoing series of surrenders and the search for a better relationship with God.

12.The promise of recovery is freedom.

In Narcotics Anonymous we are given a choice and a chance to be free of active addiction and the limitations of self-obsession, self-hate, and self-destruction. We often talk about a choice, but sometimes forget that there is more than one choice. When we deny an addict the right to reject our way of life, then we also deny them the opportunity to choose our way of life and have a chance to recover. Recovery and freedom are not automatic; they are contingent on our choice, our commitment, our courage, our willingness, and our ability to apply spiritual principles in our daily lives. We never have to use again against our will; we can be free.

Thank You for My Life!

check in

"Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out." I've never met a single addict or person with little to know self esteem that doesn't use some mutant version of the idea of "Success" to beat themselves up. If "Success" means that I have managed to portray what society says I should be then NO, color me NOT successful. But if I have taken steps to become the human I came to earth to be, then I am a success. If anyone thinks of me and smiles or remembers a kindness I have extended or a laugh I pulled out of thin air to share with them, then I am a success. The world, the government, or religion does not provide for me the definition of success in my life. The quiet, still knowing when I close my eyes and I see what I am rather than what I am not/have not, and the knowing that I fill a space on the planet, in peoples lives and in this massive universe that only I am shaped to fill, is my success. To me success is a knowing of the spirit, not a house, car or picture in the paper with an award of some kind. The moon has no illumination source of it's own and is simply reflecting the light of the sun. Any success that is visible to the world outside me is just a reflection of my light within. On most days I'm pretty bright on the insides, thanks to a program of spiritual growth and learning, and to several people who allow me in to their lives and 2 be a part of their very human struggle with balancing life, the now and the spirit.
I totally woke up in the loop this morning and I just want to thank my friends for illuminating me on the days that my spirit just can't shine. Paybacks aren't a bitch, they are a live saver.

Love,
Clinton

I guess it's time to make a decision.

If I would have had the childhood and the growing up experience I would have chosen I wouldn't be who I am. As messed up as many parts of me. If I had not known what it felt like to be frightened to death for long periods of time I wouldn't know what the look on strangers faces mean when I see them come into the NA hall. I can see a stranger standing in the grocery line who doesn't have a speck of life in there eyes and the loneliness, isolation , pain of not being loved or feeling loved by the people around you envelopes me like I was there.

I either need to make the decision that the pain I went through was school for my soul and be done with the whining about the past or I need to give up. I had to learn what it felt like to be hungry. Real hunger, if I ever was to learn what feeling full felt like. I had to have no hope, in order to gain it and share it in a way that those who are lost can understand.

An eastern thought I read a long time ago is that the bowl has no use when it is full. The emptiness is what makes it purposeful. Getting me to the point of being purposeful to the human race, ultimately is what my difficult childhood did. It made me useful.

The greater the wound the more profound the healing can be.

My trial by fire as irony has it, has given me the strength, experience and hope to reach others.

It's time I let go and quit picking at the scabs and scars because in the end they all made me stronger and they all gave me the purpose I have today. My experience will let me reach people that other people just can't. I am funny, compassionate and loving. I am forgiving, understanding and hopeful. These are my super powers and I wouldn't have them now, if I had, had my way then.

Working on Personal inventory

Last couple days I have been making a fearless and moral inventory and nothing I have put down has really affected me, I mean I lived through I can certainly re-visit it. But I am sort of off my game this morning. I just feel dulled and sort of sleepy and sort of sad. I've done this twice before so I don't have AS much to mention this go around but it seems I have saved the stuff that has affected me the longest for this time. I don't have that much to go, I am at the point where I put it away and something else pops up. I am aware that it is time to move forward and get along with getting to livin'.

FROM A DISTANCE [CHRISTMAS VERSION]

What can happen when you aren't looking

I really got a full realization that my outlook has been changed. I was reading this depressed persons blog and I could completely understand her fascination with darkness, and pain, and going to the place you hurt the most and dare anyone to get near. I understand it but I no longer live in that space and I am not really sure when I left it. I still have the urge to "pick at scabs" but I don't wake up in dread. I expect wonderful exciting things instead waiting for "the other shoe to drop".
The walk across the street to the mail box doesn't make me anxious that there is gonna be dreadful news in the box. I seriously have walked around in a certain positive mind frame since I was in the hospital in Shreveport.

I have been depressed since early child hood and to learn how to set myself up for feeling good has been a big ole life changing phenomenon. When I was leave the store at dusk there were the scary looking clouds and I just stopped, lit a smoke and leaned back and enjoyed the awesome cloud show. It was a powerful moment that i would never be able to accurately describe, but I connected to the universe and I could so easily see the curve of the earth and how we cling to it.

I don't believe the universe is knows you are here on the planet until you get grateful. The moment you get grateful, the universe will step up and give you more more more stuff to be grateful for.

I hear a man of spirit say that there are two different kinds of gratitude. The first he called "COMPARISON GRATITUDE". When a person tries to feel gratitude by looking at someone less fortunate. He said it would work until you got to the second kind. The second kind of gratitude is one that permeates the brain, and spirit and head to toe. It emanates from you in a way that is palpable. Today I absolutely have been lit from with in.

Attention Universal Flow of life

I'm ready to be an independent 43 year old male again. I really want to be well enough to get off of disability and get a sense of self that isn't currently available. My mother made some mother comment to me today and it showed me one more time that she speaks to me like I was still a child, without any regard that I was grown and had an opinion of my own. I'm tired of my life being so monitored. It was very helpful for a while, it may have saved my life but I am pushing against the starting gates with anticipation of getting on "with the business of living".

I have to make sure I can get my mental health meds and at least afford a pdoc visit every six months. I need my car repaired and the guy who has looked at it twice can't find out why it dies and chokes with no rhyme or reason to it. Or I need a place to live in longview for the bus route. I don't have any preconcieved ideas about trying it out on my own but it is the next logical step.

I've had 2 low blood sugar spells today. I put some brown sugar on my oatmeal for breakfast and I am wondering if that sent me into a tailspin. I will call and tell the doctor to go ahead and schedule the glucose tolerance test which is long and boring but evidently necessary. Also my mouth dries out completely every few minutes. I don't know if the mouth thing is a side effect of my testosterone injections or not.

A melon grows in asphalt

A Narcotics Anonymous Watermelon grows in asphalt. I see such a great story of persistence , luck and determination in this melon. I know from growing melons as a kid, you can't just plant a seed and expect melons. The soil needs to be good and the right nutrients need to be present or added as it grown.
This volunteer melon came up from a melon that was cut on the back area of the Hall early this summer. So the seed had to dry itself, implant itself, germinate and find enough nutrients to form 4 melons. 2 didn't get the right amount of feed and the plant focused on it's best two shots to procreate. Unless things are just right, plants either won't make a fruit or can't make it grow. It's such a great example of how the universe is set up. Because of the late growing start the melons won't mature enough to eat, but the seeds might have been mature enough to fullfill the purpose of the plant in the first place- to survive on this planet by making seeds to reproduce.

Every time I looked at the two melons side by side which looked like a slightly uneven pair of tear drop shaped boobs, I felt like I was on in the story. Me being clean is just as unlikely as a seed from a melon falling to the ground and making a home for itself, then producing fruit. It was a lesson in spirituality and purpose every time I saw them. Someone trashed the biggest one and the other will only be there for a few days until someone drop kicks it and that is fine. For as long as I am clean I'll remember those watermelons, that defied on conventional farming logic and grew in asphalt, concrete, sand and rocks. The willingness to do will find the ability to do.

Weds.

Good morning everyone. I am sort of filled with the possibilities and promise for a brand new day. Sometimes its just very hard for me to remember that I am the author of my own fate. Not a victim. I forget what a powerful spiritual being I am when I get bogged down in diseased up thinking. This is a pep talk to myself and anyone who needs it I guess. If the worse thing anyone can say about me is I am overweight then that is pretty good. My weight issue is one tiny portion of my life and it is not the sole definition of who I am. The disease of addiction makes the addict take everything, good or bad to extremes. Attempting to live your whole life in extremes is brutal. It is rough on your psyche and your heart and your spirit. It also is really rough on the people that love you. Yesterday is over and all we have is the moment we are living in right now. We can't even count on having a "this afternoon". The things I choice to give energy and thought to in this moment are important because as I said, this is all we have. I would hate to know I spent my last moments on earth berating my self and calling myself mean names because I ate too many Hot Tamale Candies. To a large degree I think the seemingly random chit chat in my head dictates the experience I am having. I am very lucky that I have put in enough work and effort to be able to monitor my thoughts as they happen, and that makes yanking the sick ones out before my attitude is affected and my resolve is history. I'm going to have a good day today. I get to be with some people I love and who love me without condition. I'm going to try to eat right and not entertain every negative thought that floats through my grey matter. I feel for myself, that living thoughtfully and actively is more rewarding than when I go through my life as a detached, passive observer.Today I am present, fully clothed and in my right mind. That's pretty good you know.

It's a good night

I have a huge sense of peace at this moment. I reached out to people and made a real connection. I chaired a meeting and I extended a kindness. I am at the point where I know it is ok to follow my instinct and if it seems at the time I am giving away something I might need, I know that more and better will come if my intention in right.

For all these people who looked at me , the people I had exhausted and who never thought that I would quit fighting long enough to find some happiness can rest easy. I have peace at this moment and that is something I always craved and never thought I would have. Now if I can relax and feel people loving me I will be the most successful man on the planet.

I know that something powerful has transformed me because I an change my mind today. I watched President Bush on Oprah and I was struck by his sincerity and he's truthfulness about his alcoholism and decisions he made that turned out not to be good ones. The measure of a person's integrity to me is when he speaks honestly and without "spin" on the subject of his life. I wouldn't vote for him at this point , but I am not eaten up with judgement for him anymore.

The fact that I can have a change of heart lets me know I am going in the right direction.

Responding To an Old Love

Someone I loved and hurt a long time ago was honest about his feeling this morning. I honor his right to feel however he needs to feel. This is my response and it was written with love and respond for an old love.

Clinton Rolen Gandy November 9 at 9:59am

It was a seriously fucked up time for sure. Damaged people damage other people whether they intend to do so or not. I'm not convinced I will ever be able to let someone really love me or really know me. I hope I don't leave the planet without experiencing that. I barely remember singing that song your talking about. I've had so many intrusive thoughts that have lived in my head since then. I absolutely handled everything wrong between you and I. The fact is I didn't have anything substantial to offer you. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know you as a real live grownup since you have been in White Settlement. You can say anything to me if it pertains to you and your well being. I hope you have gotten to the place where you can forgive my thoughtlessness from 15 years ago. I think I am to the place where I have forgiven myself , mostly, on a good day, after a meeting, after I meal, I feel ok. lol I hope you will find the love of your life and I hope for your sake he isn't 22 years old. lol I have 4 friends who were all knocked on their asses by falling for young hotties with problems and I know I will use your collective experiences to turn away from the pretty troubled ones if they ever show up and if ever I think one of them is "special"

I think the singing is gone for good. I sang at an NA function when they had Karaoke. It just doesn't make the feel good hormones kick off anymore. I have other creative things that are far more fulfilling. But I am open to it, I am a work in progress and I have no idea what I will think is important tomorrow or next week or next year.

The drag thing was merely a costume that let a part of me act silly and be apart of the things I love with all my heart. Sequins, rhinestones, high hair and cute shoes. I was completely grossed out by the guy who wanted to have sex with me in drag. It wasn't about that for me at all. I thought it was just fun but I learned to be ok with several things about myself because of it. I never liked being tall, and If I had the choice I would be much smaller because that is what i think is sexy. But with tall hair, heels and my height I was 7 foot tall and a circus side show. It was fun because I not only was in on the joke, I instigated. it. Those days are gone for keeps too, although I did keep a pair of shoes as a memento.

In my grown up life I hope to be more fearless in explorer things that interest me, whether family and friends like it or not. I'm sure my mother will dislike what ever it is I try next.

I have a list, just for me of what did not work. I can't be so afraid to try something and fail because the failed attempts are just as important as the successful ones.

I'm in a place I never thought I would be. I have lot more contemplative thoughts that whims of fantasy. I'm closer now to being an interesting evolving human that I ever dreamed I could be. It's find to like someone and tell them they mean something to you. It's find to not like something someone said and let them know you have another opinion.

The best thing about being 43 is not being 23. I love becoming more myself and finding my own unique place in humanity.

I love you and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I wouldn't do that again today. I'd love to see someone love you like you want to be loved. I know that is important to you so its important to me. Your doing so well, I still can't believe how you got it all together from the time you were in the "House". I draw courage from that.

I do not know what the magic is in working some sort of program, but I know things happen for good when I am in a program. There is a life for me here on the planet that surpasses all my expectations and the only way I can get their is though NA. It is my own little passage to "india". I'm not question it, just trying to make it happen in all aspects of my life.

I love that you can be honest in these messages on the Facebook. I'll always want to know what you have going on in your head. I'm not afraid to stand here and love you. (or sit here as the case may be)

Frog stuff.

When i was in high school in Biology, they gave us silver tools that looked sort of like a pecan picker. We were instruct to push it into the base of the frogs neck and move it around, destroying its brain function while still allowing us to dissect it while it's heart and organs are function.

That is kind of like why I did downers and drank. There was some part of me that didn't mind getting involved with the world and activities , if I could allow my body and my business self to function and medicate the part that that gets bored, panics and gets overwhelmed.

I've heard people for years say I wish I had a twin that could go work for me, go to the dentist...etc. Any unpleasant or tedious activity would utilized the "double". I would take pills or get a buzz in order to show up to even pleasant functions. I have this over whelming desire to be present but not be "present" . It is indeed a fracture of spirit and psyche. I think I could be on to something because I have never figured that out before. I like to catch a buzz to enjoy things.Emotions and feelings no longer comes naturally for me, feeling them that is. All that stuff is still locked up inside me. Years and years ago I would to the theatre and watch Beaches and get wasted in the theatre. It felt so good to sob during that movie. It was a way to relieve some of the pressure. Any occasion like proms or other function I drank so I could feel like I was really there in High School. Sometimes I used not to feel, still other times it allowed me to get feelings out and be apart of them. They were altered feelings but getting them out helped .

I am very aware there is part of me that wouldn't mind scrambling the part of my brain that lets me feel pain and I would be like that frog from class. I would be breathing and my heart would beat but I couldn't feel that pain as a nervous 17 year old kid makes a hesitant incision. Me and the frog gloriously oblivious and death inches closer while we are on our backs and completely exposed tot the world.

The process of sticking that pin thing into the base of the frogs neck is called "Pithing" or to "pith". Funny how stuff sticks with you until you find a way to put it in the "act". Mr. Wilson's Bio class.

I learned some things tonight and I am ok with them

I will never enjoy group activities like dances and jamboree weekends. I tried it and really thought something was wrong with me for not liking them. The truth is, I am not horny and i am not under 30 and I don't like loud music of any kind and I don't dance. What I found out tonight was dances aren't my thing and that is fine. What is my thing is gloriously person and intimate sharing of experience strength and hope. I love to hear about your spiritual exploration or you adventures in being human. I probably could sit and listen to 20 enlightened people talk until dawn. I got a chance to talk with a couple people i know there are sort of in sober living and it was the only time I felt like myself. I drank and did downers because I wanting to feel mushy and talk on the phone, not join others.

I'm very glad I got this straightened out for myself. I am over feeling the guilt produced by not fitting in activities I wasn't interested in to start with. Monsters are created between my ears every hour. Most of the time they don't stay and I don't by into them.

One other thing I was bummed about tonight was I saw my photo in my costume and I look like an old man with double chin and jowls. It was disappointed my weight loss hasn't made much difference and I look washed and old. It is just the way I feel at the moment. Reality, sometimes jarring and unpleasant. lol Suddenly, I who have not been in love since I was a teenager, am suddenly concerned about being ugly and unlovable and dying alone. What a mess.

Just a thankful day.

Six and a half months ago when I entered the Narcotics Anonymous program I couldn't even dream of feeling as at home as I do most of the time now. A fairly new person was concerned the hall wasn't open this morning and I used the key to open it. My friend who was suppose to chair the noon meeting was ill and I filled in for him as chairperson. I remembered new peoples name and I interacted with people who now have an interest in my recovery and vice versa. One of the biggest gifts of the program is how we invest in the recovery of others. If you can make it too the door someone will let you know we are glad to see you.

I have not had to wrestle with wanting to use pills in some time, therefore, I have had ample time to focus on recovery. Getting better from the inside out takes time. Getting to the point you feel comfortable in any new group is AWKWARD,

All I have really every wanted was to just be myself and have some good feedback from the people I am with. You can't really grow if your riddled with fear. Fear tell lies and bullies you into believe them, even about yourself.

surprising compasion.

I am completely astounded at how recovery works when you let it. I got completely crossways with a lady a few months ago in my recovery group. The thought of her made my teeth hurt. I consciously chose to let it go and to see her as someone with a big personality and a mouth to match sometimes. I was steadfast that I could not dislike her because in that room of recovery we depend on each other and she might be the only one that could help me one day.

There was some drama that played out at the group yesterday for which I was not there and was not privy too. She was confronted from what I understand with breaking the traditions which keep the group safe. She responded as a big personality and ego would.

The thing that suprises me and solidifies the merits of the program is I felt compelled to reach out to her and tell her I believed in the integrity of her recovery. She may or may not have broken a tradition, I don't know and frankly don't care. I do care that it was handled very poorly and that she may feel stunned or ashamed as well as majorly pissed.

Being open made my heart open up and relate to the human part of her and I was completely floored when I couldn't not reach out to her.

Compassion surprises and thrills every single time I am flooded with it. It's makes me feel grateful to be alive and grateful I get to make a connection to someones soul for a brief moment.

Hello again , Hello

I've been putting so much focus on Weight Watcher's I have mostly been sharing there. I'm going to try to come here tomorrow and sort some things out.

Thanks for the resentment.

edited. lol

Do you know you"re free and do you know how to make the most of it.

In 1997 I worked for a very short time for an old lady with a 40 year son who had severe CP. It was a miracle that he made it to a teenager and the only reason he did was because of his mother, Melinda. Melinda was a big woman, 6 foot tall and stout, strong stout , not like the "big" ladies clothing store they called a "stout shop". Any way..................

Melinda had dementia. People were always "breaking in the house trying to steal her things" or "Stealing her shoes and clothes and replacing them with ugly ones". At the end of the first couple of weeks I walked around in the yard and saw that she had a dog in a cage. Frail, friendly, so skinny. She had forgotten she had a dog for a while and he was emaciated. I was over come with the desire to set him free while she wasn't in the house. I opened the gate and he didn't know what to do do. I found out later he had spent his entire inside that cage, I got him out and set him on the green fluffy grass and he was like a statue. He went back to his cage and I knew I had to get back in to work. After work, I went straight to the cage , got the dog, put it in my car and brought it home with me. I have a big fence in back yard and I figure I could figure out what to do with the dog while I fattened him up.

Before 2 weeks had past, she had been screwed by every male dog in the tri county.

The reason I was thinking of the story is because I need lessons in how best to utilize my freedom. The freedom that comes from being clean and sober, not being in trouble with the law, and the freedom of being a 42 year old white male in America.

Asking for help is one thing that is hard for me. I have always rather try to figure it out for myself and if it failed, I told no one.

I am so grateful to have a few close friends who get the fact that I need help navigating the waters of freedom, and I am thankful I have two doctors and a Weight Watchers support forum for me to access, poll and utilize.

Do you know that you are free? I love the 3rd or 7th step prayer from AA. I don't like prewritten prayers usually but this one pertains to "Relieving the bondage of self". The pray is a prayer for freedom.

I found a home for the dog and she had two babies.

I am thankful for my training wheels and the people intrusted to help me make most out of being release from the insanity of addiction, just for today.

Mix of emotions.

I have been really troubled by the young gay man that killed himself after his room mate at school turned a web cam on him will he was having sex. I hurt because he hadn't been on the planet long enough and seen that we get through the really bad times. Nothing is ever so devastating it can't be worked through.

Honestly I don't know why or how I managed to grow up different in an area not known for understanding and tolerance . It makes me marvel at how strong I was without even knowing it. I believed that there was somewhere out there that would make more sense , I knew in my heart that there had to be a place of acceptance even if my head could not put it into words at the time.

I think about the young me's out there. Bullied and demeaned not knowing any thing different. I found food and that helped cut the pain until alcohol came. Then much much later I just wanted to be comatosed

I'm just very sad, for the boy up north and for the boy that was bullied inside me still.

Hello My Friend Hello

I've been doing so much work on the weight loss board that I have forgotten to come here at all. I'm going to come back later tonight and put some stuff down on here.

The falsehood of "treating" yourself

TV commercials urge you to "indulge" yourself , promoting bath salts or chocolate we are made to feel like we have such a hectic life that is ok, if throw out self restraint "now and then".

I was really shocked when I looked up the actual definition.

Indulgence- an inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires



The feeling of "The devil may care" and the thrill of being "temporarily" naughty that I thought meant indulgence doesn't mean that at all.


When I would be on a trip, I would get a thrill out of ordering a breakfast so big I needed a table of my own because "I'm on vacation", and throw care out the window.

When something good or bad would happen, I'd eat everything in sight because I deserved to "indulge" as a reward or consolation.

The chemicals produced in my head when I throw caution to the wind is really what I am after. I am looking to INDULGE in something so my brain chemicals produced dope me up. Chocolate produces the same chemicals in your head that being in love does.

It's really dangerous for me when I feel like I am owed a celebration because celebration for me means taking something I like, throwing "Caution to the wind" and imbibing until I can't see straight.

So the word indulgence is about being NOT IN CONTROL of my own actions, thoughts and behaviors.

Seriously I am going to have to stay aware of that because my head is constantly telling me I am owed celebrations. Indulgence looks like insanity to me.

I will never look at an ad for chocolate or fine beverage that say go on and INDULGE. It's really prompting me to give in to the the insanity of not being in control of my own urges.

That sounds ugly to me. I get fat or arrested when I run on distorted instinct of how much and how come I deserve to partake in food or spirits.

For me, INDULGENCE is naughty fun, it is me being complete over taken with the insanity that I deserve the right to have as much of something as i can. My disease of addiction is writing checks that my body and spirit can't afford to cash.

Things to reconsider

I forget sometimes when I want to change something about myself or my perspective, just how important it is to expose myself to an array of NEW IDEAS. Hardly any of my old ideas were helpful anymore. It's so important to try something thing different or examine things from a different perspective. If I keep doing the same things over and over I never get anywhere.

Buy a book, watch a program, interview a friend are great ways for me to start building my new existence. Some work and stick, others don't work and fall away.

I just know that if this is my last moment on earth, I don't want to spend it frightened. I want peace more than anything else on the planet, and from the strength of that piece I can then address the issues that keep my fat and want me heavily self medicated. Something I am learning from my Bootcamp Buddies Weight Watchers is that all of us have things in common things like fear, self loathing and the desire to numb ourselves with food. It really was the first drug I found that made me not ache inside.

I'm kind of all over the place here so I am going to shut down and try again tomorrow. I am thankful for everything I have and will share what I have found with anyone who is interested.

The "Common Thread".

I am really grateful this morning. Grateful not just specifics but all levels. I like where I am and that is such a crazy foreign experience for me. I ran smack in the middle of one of my favorite foods to over eat last night when my mom and sister cooked meat sauce, spaghetti and garlic cheese bread. I know visually how much to put in a bowl and eat and still stay reasonable with the point count, but it would have knocked me out of a snack or two before bed. As good as it smelled, I passed and had my fav. chicken fajita thing instead because I didn't want to have to do without later. It's a big step forward for me to thing about the repercussions of my action BEFORE I eat.

I am so thankful to still be interested in learning new ways of dealing with the world and the things/people I come in contact with. It's easy to begin a change, but to keep feeding the desire to change is frankly difficult. Change can only take place in the present moment. If I keep stringing those moments together I will get to who I want to be. I've really been giving the fact that I need a compelling vision of who I want to be in order to get there. My identity in my head thankfully, doesn't match who I have become and who I still want to be. I don't smoke anymore, I don't eat xanax or somas to "Relax" my self from hideous hideous anxiety and I'm not a recluse anymore. I'm trying to visualize, what I dress like, what my hair looks like, how I stand.

I read a quote that, real change is almost impossible to sustain unless you have a "compelling vision". I see myself clearly, moving with focused attention, reaching my hand out , grabbing someone on a sinking ship and yanking them into safety. I believe that old saying that I have heard on Oprah for 20 years. If you get, you must give. if you learn, you must teach. I can't wait to get to the point of my recovery from a self centered, self driven life to being someone with a way out that is sharable to other people who have noticed they live in the dark but suspect there is more that available to them.

I just took a quick look around me and I own very few things. The things that are mine I am thankful for but not attached to. Maybe one day things will mean more to me because i have long suspected if you don't have the highest value on yourself, nothing you own will mean much. It's like how the moon doesn't have it's own source of illumination. It simply is lit my the light of the sun. My value for myself is like the light of the sun. If I don't have a bright light, then nothing can get "lit up" by me. It probably sounds grandiose, but I would love to light everyone I meet up like the sun light the moon.

So today I am going to treat myself as lovingly as possible and that includes what I tell myself in the form of thoughts. I will be kind and gentle and remember that mistakes are not failures and even if they were, failure isn't fatal. I will attend, I mean really be with the people I am with today. I will focus my full attention on them just like the attention I want to be given. Even though no one may be looking or watching, I am going to be the me that I believe I can be. I will make healthy choices, and look at my life as important, but not so important I can't find the humor in being human, which means, my flaws aren't fatal either. My intention is to bring hope, love and laughter to the people I encounter today and embody the best possible qualities with my one time shot at being human.

I look forward so much to all of you checking in with updates of your day and diet because even though I don't "know" you, I know you. It makes me feel good to have this tiny shared space together, no pun intended, but in this, our common "thread".

How TV and Film fucked me up. lol

I was a child of Television. I was so miserable in my own life growing up and TV was sooooo good in the 70's and early 80's it saved my life. I had no way of knowing that the way I felt wouldn't last forever and I certainly wouldn't have known there were people out there that were funny and theatrical. I was a freak in my corner of the world.

I still can sing the words to commercials of the day and Tuesday night with "Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley followed by Three's company" was and is the best line up ABC ever had. I lived for the "Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" on Saturday Nights, and the "Wonderful World of Disney" and "Punky Brewster" on Sundays.

The girls from "The Facts of Life" still seem like real friends. I had a dream last week about the gal who played Blair and was from Texas it was messed up but she was in it.

The problem with losing myself in TV and movies was, the fact that the credits rolled when the story resolved and that was that. I've struggle many times when I get everything set up well for myself and then want to yell "Roll the fucking credits". But the only credits we get here on earth are the ones they tap into marble with your start date and end date down to the bone yard,

I also thought that a Kodak moment was coming and that when a big enough catastrophe happened I would cease to exist. Some event was coming that would shatter me and I would be gone.

It's only now at 42 that I realize I have already had many of those moments and I am still here. If the collapse of the two Trade Center buildings didn't brake NY, nothing can break me unless I surrender to it instead of the flow of life and energy that will carry me to a better spot if I do the foot work.

I have loved ones who have lost children and they didn't die from grief. They hurt like hell but they go on, willing to feel better.

Am I willing to feel better? Most of the time. Life seldom allows me or you to be done with a thing and put a nice neat bow on it and today, that is ok. The story isn't about the beginning. It isn't about the end. It is about the space in between those to where life takes place.

My past is compelling but not unique. I have no less or no more to deal with than everyone else on the planet. My attitude and my hope level are the only things that can keep me from moving forward to a better version of myself. Clinton 2.0.

My higher power is not a GOD

My higher power is not a god. When it is referred to in text or meeting I automatically switch it out with the great energy or Indian's call it Spirit. The reason that I am passionate about the fact I don't believe in "God" is because I tried it every way I could and I just got sicker. When people come in to 12 steps and they hear "God as you understand him" they instantly go back to the understanding they had while growing up and using. Someone brought that idea of God to them so when they hear "God" in meetings they revert to default setting. It isn't a god of their understanding. It's a god they think is their understanding because it was the only one they knew. I have seen so many tortured people die or harm themselves because no one told them something different is available. I'm propelled to tell people I do not believe in the "God, string-puller in the sky" exist. My "prayer" is more like plugging in a rechargeable battery. I rejoin the original power that makes everything when I meditate and I get my cells and spirit replenished.

I've been in AA where the middle aged white business men say "God of your own understanding' wink wink" in other words til you get well enough for jesus and sunday school. I never made it back to Sunday school thankfully because it would have just confused me more.

If you want to have a god, GREAT! But just make sure it is a God of YOUR understanding, not your fathers, or Aunt Pearlines or Jimmy Swaggers or Mr. Osteens.

The only way that the spiritual power that is available to us all can be utilized is when we find our own way there to it.

DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHO OR WHAT to believe in. Listen to your inner voice and you will be able to detect the markers to get you back from where you came. Your own concept is the only concept that matters and your life absolutely depends on it. I am talking about your life, here and now, not the one religion tells you that will be won or lost depending on you play the game of humanity in your life on earth.

My friend Gary said his higher power was whatever the power was the could take a brown bulb that looked like a poodle turd and pull those pink and green leaves of caladiums out of it was enough of a high power for him. I pretty much agree. It just lets me know there is a force that even at the stage of the planting season I am in, can pull something beautiful out of me.

The only moment that matters.

I had a pretty big day for understanding and new ideas. I was on the way to Longview, which is the closest city to me. I was driving the backroads and picturing the thrift store I was going to and wondering if I had enough time to hit it, then go to a noon meeting. I had one of those moments of clarity that don't come often enough. I was spending all of my thought energy on future events and places I was headed to and none focused on the moment I was in, and the moment I was wasting. I had wasted 15 minutes of solo car time, with satellite radio. I pulled myself back into my body and turned the radio to an oldies/disco station and lost myself in the feel of the moving car, the feel of the leather seat underneath me, the cool air blowing the straight part of my air around. I was in my body, in that car, and in the moment. It felt great.

I remember when I was little and started to avoid living in the moment because that meant feeling the feelings of that moment which weren't good feeling feelings. I learned to sneak away where I could be myself, eat my chocolate contraband. I would sneak in the kitchen when everyone was asleep and graze by the GE Light Bulb in the fridge. Little by little I completely moved out of living in the moment. The moment is where you get hurt pain can only swallow you up in the moment. Even as a 42 year old semi-grown man, I get warm thinking about disappearing with a pizza or bucket of chicken or ice cream and just eat by myself. The hormones that are released in my brain at the smell or site of food is as overwhelmingly addictive as nicotine or heroin.

I'm not sure I can explain so a stranger would understand, but I feel like this is one of the big key chunks of the lose and gain cycle that has been my life for 25 years or so. I don't want to be eating lunch and thinking about what i can eat for dinner. It's addiction it is slavery to the refrigerator and it will kill me. Starve off 50 pounds gain back 65lbs.

I want to have plenty of space in my life for delicious food. I just don't want to try to use it as a coping tool. lol This issue is completely tied in with my prescription drug addiction and alcohol issues. My brain thinks it needs medication for me to handle living in the present. Something to cut the edge, or calm my anxious feelings. So I'm practicing noticing when I am NOT in the moment and practicing getting back to it as soon as I see I am future tripping or picking through some painful event from my past.

I think about to those unfortunate bastards who have gone through the hell of gastric bypass then become alcoholics or sex addicts. Until those lucky men and women, and myself get to the core of "what's eating us" the pain will continue to have us finding other ways to dull our ache. In the 70's people I knew of actually wired their jaws shut surgically. My mouth isn't my issue. My issue is my issue, and that is hideously low self esteem and the inability to be present in the moment. I do want to say, that when I mention living in the moment, it is living in the moment without the ghost of the past trying to shape my perception of it. To let the present unfold in front of me with painful specters trying to convince me that something bad is going to happen if I open up and try to enjoy my life.

That is a really hard one for me guys. lol

I think this stuff is fascinating. If you see yourself in any of this craziness let me know. If it bored you to tears, DON"T LET ME KNOW> lol

Tuesday is a good day to begin a whole new me.

I'm enjoying one of those mornings that you that are to foreign to even hope for when you start making a change in your life. In four months I have gone for prescription medication abuser, to clean recovering addict. In 2 months and one week I have gone for career smoker, to non-smoker. In 5 weeks I have gone from out of control eating machine to someone that is way more careful with calories and portions and someone that is looking forward to weighing in at the doctors. The time between changes and effects is called "The Meantime". By coming here, and my 12 step group, not to mention the counselors I have that support change, my "meantime" hasn't been all that MEAN. I take my eating just like I do my on going recovery for prescriptions, one day at a time. The only difference is I have to learn to coexist with food. I've been thinking about something I read many moons ago that all people who want change should begin to envision who they want to be and even what they will look like. I've been letting go some of the things I have always associated with the mental image of who I am. My new image of Clinton isn't a smoker. It may sound silly but when I picture who I am, I've always had a cigarette in my hand. My new vision is me with long silver hair. It isn't the most stylish look but it really is a reflection of who I want to be, sort of a "crunchy granola laid back hippy". My new vision of myself does not include a skinny me. My days of chasing skinny...OVAH! I just want to look healthy, wear a waist size I can get at any store, and move without losing my breath. I want to be grateful for my body. I need to be fit for the second act of the Clinton Gandy story. Regardless of anything I have just written, I want to have a peace inside me, where I have ceased fighting any thing/anyone that keeps me from being of real service to others. I've grown past the vanity years and I know beyond all doubt that substance trumps style every time in the end. lol

Any loss on the scale today is a victory in the sense that I had to battle my greatest foe to get the pound off -myself and my small thinking, and years years years of using food as medication. I no longer Starve a cold and Feed a feeling.

Having some fun with photos on photofunia.com if you want to use it on your own pics.

3a.m.

Been sick sin yesterday morning. I've been trying to take in the experience of a chest cold without being a smoking fool. It's been difference. Today is The 13th Anniversary of the Living Recovery Group. I'm humbled to receive such a nice welcome from it's members. I woke up at 2a with a cough so I got on the net while the AlkaSeltzer kicks in.

I'm really kind of over come with a peace and stillness at the moment and I am hoping I can ride it through my whole day. I'm really going to push myself to be a joiner today at the festivities. I can't stand on the sidelines in fear and get out of this program what I want. I am here to learn a clean way of living and to have the spirit of N.A. overhaul my life and thinking from the ground up. To get what I want I have to put myself in socially uncomfortable positions, I have to love whether or not it is returned and I must continue to extend my hand to everyone. Even the people that scare me for whatever reasons.

I'm 42, I've made monstrously bad decisions and have fucked up completely more times that I care to mention, BUT it all falls nicely under the category of how NOT to be the human I long to be. My greatest mistakes become the very platform I stand on to help others. My recovery isn't a theory. It isn't a Lifetime movie of the week. All my experiences that lead up to even this note I am pinning now are ultimately the very things that will save my life, qualify me to share with others and give me my own specialization when it comes to which newcomers I can best work with.

I've been thinking of the prayer in the AA book called the 7th step prayer that a sponsor made me memorize, it's fuzzy but it is something like, "I offer myself to the to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them my bear witness to those I would help of thy power, they glory and thy way of life, my I do thy will always."

Taking out the heavy Christian references , I am left with the beauty of surrendering to the power of the universe, having all the things that hold me back or trip me up removed, so that I can then use my super power of love to help those poor fuckers like me find a way to peace and help them find the place on the planet they too can save spirits from destruction at their own hands.

I am greatful, GRATEFUL.

Universe help me to love, forgive and heal.

ps. I CANNOT believe I remembered so much of that AA Big Book Pray. I haven't seen the book in 10 years. It's either the 7th step prayer or the 11th. It doesn't matter where it comes from only that I embody its essence.

If you look in the comment section I will explain where this came from.

HIROSHIMA ... 64 YEARS LATER!

What happened to the radiation that was supposed to last thousands of years?

Here is HIROSHIMA in 1945!

We all know that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were destroyed in August 1945 by atomic bombs.
However, most of us know very little about the progress made by the people of that land during
the past 64 years.

Here is HIROSHIMA - 64 YEARS LATER!

NOW... IN COMPARISON...

Here is DETROIT ... 64 Years later...