Monday, May 2, 2011


In '98 after alcohol had completely kicked my ass for 17 years, having about 4 years sober in AA, I held three little blue pills in my hand (not viagra) and looked at them. I remember clearly hearing the prominent voice of self direction in my head say "Now there is no way possible, these could get you into as much trouble as alcohol did". They got me in more trouble the liquor did.

So in my recovery today, when I hear the voice of the disease prompt me to participate in action or behavior that in my gut I feel is questionable for the health of my spirit, I try very hard not to play the game I am being tempted with. I can't take the "shortcuts' that I want to sometimes, I can't short change my friends with attention and I can't act out like I did before I knew better most important I cannot fail to bring love when I have it to bring.

All of those things tend to leave a sticky dark film on my spirit that cuts off the flow of the universe. Once that happens I start slowly forgetting who I am and who I will be, and I begin to forget there was ever hope for me at all. We can call it insanity if you want to but I consider it the less compassionate form of death.

Do those basics. Share honestly what is going on with you. Walk past the fear and right into a meeting. The disease of addiction will try to convince you that you have something to lose if you get honest with the people who want nothing from you other than strong recovery and peace for you. For us to become worried or ashamed to honestly share with other recovering addicts is slow but certain death. I think the reason we get a program of our own is to have a plan or a pro-gram in place to apply when the shit hits the fan. Just for today, I'm going out fighting. If the moment comes and I realize I feel like going down screaming.

Just for today, I accept the fact that I will always have more unhealthy first instincts but to stick around for the second and third recovery based instincts to kick in.

I love the line in the book that says something to the effect of "Sometimes, being restored to sanity means that we just don't act on the first impulse". (paraphrased, I'm not a memorizer)

"I couldn't live as a human with or with out drugs" (and nothing has changed)