Friday, June 12, 2009

Finding Center

I haven't been myself and I have not been centered. I really missed my self centeredness. Glad I'm back. I have been people watching tonight. It was a small social crowd and I just sat back and observed. I have a good aquaintance that was with us tonight. I say this without really condemning her for it, but she has a hard time being happy for other people. So I took that observation and tried it on myself. I am really glad and very happy that for all the backwards stuff I learned growing 41, that disliking the face that good has come to someone I know isn't one of those backwards things.

I had to let a friendship go with someone recently because he just couldn't be happy for people getting things, even things they earned. I believe there is plenty in the universe, and that's what i see and look for.

A huge red flag for me to check myself is when I can't be peaceful about someone else good fortune. When you start to lose weight some people go by the wayside because they can't bear the fact that you have done something great for yourself because they a haven't themselves.

I rewatched the E! True Story of Lottery Winners last week and all those people lost family and friends and spouses because their friends couldn't be happy for them with getting a piece of it themselves.

Like I said, no condemnation just oberservation. I am holding that mirror up to myself for sure.

I have the impulse where food is concerned that there is not going to be enough for me. So I buy platters that could feed an army just to make sure.

I've never been denied food and the fact I feel this way doesn't make me all that happy. I'm aware of it, which is key. I'm working on it.

The other acquaintence is in so much emotional pain that me the hypersensitive empathic codependant would really like to ask her about it. She is such a lovely person but she is clearly tormented. She engages with me and is so so likeable. I will just continue to send her good thoughts and stay open with regards to letting some of it go.

I was in love once in my life. It ended badly and I had no one to speak about it with because I didn't know anything about opening up. It took me 15 years to get over that break up because I didn't have a soul I could talk it through about without feeling like a bother.

I still have a hard time talking about the inside details but I have some direction with what to do with it now. I have not a problem listening to others go on and on, beating the dead horse of hurt but I'm not there yet taking my turn.

That's why the net is so great. You can practice with strangers.

I really like who I am. I have more cool components that pain in the ass ones. God, if you knew what progress that was you would rethink world peace and might believe it could really happen sooner than later.