Monday, November 9, 2009

Oh man, its time for a new level of growth

It's that time , that time to be uncomfortable a while while I grow. I feel so defeated by the compulsion for more that I have. If I get the urge to stay up late I stay up all night, if I feel the urge to sleep I want to take enough sleep aids to wake up next week sometime. One diet Coke won't be enough, nor a case of beer or large pizza. I can't enjoy a smoke if I know I only have one in the package. If I had enjoyed the feeling of uppers, i can totally see why people take tons of meth for a LOT of sex.

There is a great line in "Beaches" when Bette Midler's character is told by her mother that she just couldn't love her enough. Bette's character needed so much in order to feel love from people she wore people out.

It dawns on me right this instant that I have an automatic bypass that tells me someone can't love me as much as I want so don't bother. I could leave one or two beers in the fridge forever, I wouldn't feel the least temptation to drink them unless I was assured there would be enough to drink to pass out.

I guess I have never ran across a person that led me to believe that they were even close to having enough love possibility for me to actually feel it.

How do you get to the point when you aren't demanding more love than one human can give. How do you get to the point where you know how to love in balance, eat in balance, drink in balance without dying in the process.