Monday, August 3, 2009

How I got this way

I was doing some laundry earlier today and it triggered one of those full body flashbacks that if termed a memory, is sadly understated. I was folding a towel and I was 6 years old again. Hoping to surprise my mother I folded the basket full of towels. Instead of the response I was hoping for she said I folded them wrong. I was really disappointed. The same thing happened when I tried to do dishes. Instead of acknowledging what I had tried to do for her, she washed them again herself. Without saying the words "your not capable", i was imprinted with my house keeping and activities of daily living were not good enough. I was sub-par and flawed. I never do dishes at her house because she will wash them again anyway.

Her eye goes to the flaw, the fly in the ointment automatically. I responded to that critical eye with sort of giving up. Soon that "I am not good enough" filtered in to most every part of my life. I have only been in real love once, and that was very early in my 20's. I have all these walls built up in my head that want to me believe and stay unlovable because I am so flawed.

It is a meme, or several stacked on top of each other.

Would I be a different person in a different place, probably not. Would it be easier to push past the border if I weren't around the people that prefer me broken and submissive, yes.

I have told several family members I am "this" close to moving in with the street people because I am so frustrated me trying to change and family not. I don't know if they thought I was serious or not but I am. I saw a friend show up to group one night in Dallas with his suitcase. He couldn't take his partner any more and he said, I will live on the street before I spend another night with you.

I understand now.

I haven't had the experience of euphoria in a long time. That "God, I am so happy to be alive in this moment" I've tried to manufacture it if various ways but no avail.

I'm bored, frustrated and needing a jolt of life at the moment. This too shall pass. Meanwhile I'll be eating and acting as if.