Tuesday, November 13, 2012

note to old friend

years ago Stephanie mentions to me in sort of a reflective moment, "I wish when I did my last back handspring, I would have known it was the last one". It stuck with me, and when a good acquiescence passed away, I said, " OH wow, the last time I saw Larry will be the last time I saw Larry". So here is my life lesson out of those two thinks. When I am present really really present in my life (it happens Occasionally) I can fully embody a moment so thoroughly that if it is "the last time I see Larry", I"m here and breathing in every glorious minute of it. IT's completely opposite of how I have operated. If i avoided investing in the moment then the emotionally pain didn't touch me or it did't hurt as much as it would if i acknowledged me in the moment.. The kicker is,, its a good way to live only if you are willing to trade 90 percent of the good stuff that would have came your way just to not feel 35 percent of the pain. It excites me to no end to live delicious moments as they are unfurling all around me. I hate I missed so much whether it was substance abuse related or the copying mechanism that really probably saved my life growing up but was taking my life after I crossed a point. This is going to make me sound pitiful but I haven't been very attached to the idea of being alive on the planet in my time here. I think if I admitted something was important to me than the pain of losing it or not getting in was to great for me. In the last 6 years I have really worked on letting myself enjoy the trip. Other than me doing a pull up or running a mile without stopping, my real goal/hope/desire is that when it's time for me to leave this planet, I would fight to the death for just one hour longer. I'm no where near that point but it seems to be the direction I am headed for. I went from wishing I was never born as a kid, to killing my feelings with food and drink as teen and shortly there after it longer was I wish I had never been born, I took it end to my hands to do something about leaving myself. The idea that I would fight to stay for another hour is very satisfying because I just didn't care one way or another in my history. 
I was at some function outside a couple of weeks ago and I really thought about doing a front handspring. Then I remembered the quadriplegic young man I helped get to school for a semester and I thought better of it.

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