Thursday, December 16, 2010

This was a note to a friend with Job issues and addiction issues. I wanted to save a copy to read later.

M, I had to make a "for real" decision. Is the world a place of lack or is the world filled with more than enough. My choice shades the things I see and experience. When I remember that I am enough and the world has plenty, I don't stress so much. There is either enough or there isn't. My experience with stopping drinking was that it popped up in the form of pills, which turns to my original drug of choice food. When my illness perceives I am going to be shorted , slighted or left to die I reach for something that makes me feel good. Food, sex, alcohol, pills, food has been my progression of quick fixers. And they all have individually kicked my as repeatedly.

Don't let the fantasy of work or "Mike at Work" make you forget the difference between attaching identities to you for the simple ease of not having to become the real you. In the 50's men were "business men" who joined "Chamber of Commerce" and "Elks Lodge" and they were "Republicans" and "Methodist" and "husband" and "father". All of those things let the ego tell those men that is so they were but those were just identifiers that allowed them to be and function without having to look to deep. I know who I am, look at all the clubs I am in. Remember how a club was formed for Saturn Drivers. People used it to join a larger group that supplied some form of identification for them. One reason I got tired of the AA group I used to go to is they filtered everything in their life the the premise of "I'm alcoholic'. It's like that was the only thing about themselves they could claim. For me, I know I have to balance out in my life and reconcile my choices with the Narcotics Anonymous Program I work, but Addiction doesn't define me. In fact I think being an addict and gay are two of the least interesting things about me. Don't even get me started on the men who's soul mission is to perfect being "a gay man". I don't have the money or the costumes to be a professional gay guy( or the desire).

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