When i was in high school in Biology, they gave us silver tools that looked sort of like a pecan picker. We were instruct to push it into the base of the frogs neck and move it around, destroying its brain function while still allowing us to dissect it while it's heart and organs are function.
That is kind of like why I did downers and drank. There was some part of me that didn't mind getting involved with the world and activities , if I could allow my body and my business self to function and medicate the part that that gets bored, panics and gets overwhelmed.
I've heard people for years say I wish I had a twin that could go work for me, go to the dentist...etc. Any unpleasant or tedious activity would utilized the "double". I would take pills or get a buzz in order to show up to even pleasant functions. I have this over whelming desire to be present but not be "present" . It is indeed a fracture of spirit and psyche. I think I could be on to something because I have never figured that out before. I like to catch a buzz to enjoy things.Emotions and feelings no longer comes naturally for me, feeling them that is. All that stuff is still locked up inside me. Years and years ago I would to the theatre and watch Beaches and get wasted in the theatre. It felt so good to sob during that movie. It was a way to relieve some of the pressure. Any occasion like proms or other function I drank so I could feel like I was really there in High School. Sometimes I used not to feel, still other times it allowed me to get feelings out and be apart of them. They were altered feelings but getting them out helped .
I am very aware there is part of me that wouldn't mind scrambling the part of my brain that lets me feel pain and I would be like that frog from class. I would be breathing and my heart would beat but I couldn't feel that pain as a nervous 17 year old kid makes a hesitant incision. Me and the frog gloriously oblivious and death inches closer while we are on our backs and completely exposed tot the world.
The process of sticking that pin thing into the base of the frogs neck is called "Pithing" or to "pith". Funny how stuff sticks with you until you find a way to put it in the "act". Mr. Wilson's Bio class.