If I would have had the childhood and the growing up experience I would have chosen I wouldn't be who I am. As messed up as many parts of me. If I had not known what it felt like to be frightened to death for long periods of time I wouldn't know what the look on strangers faces mean when I see them come into the NA hall. I can see a stranger standing in the grocery line who doesn't have a speck of life in there eyes and the loneliness, isolation , pain of not being loved or feeling loved by the people around you envelopes me like I was there.
I either need to make the decision that the pain I went through was school for my soul and be done with the whining about the past or I need to give up. I had to learn what it felt like to be hungry. Real hunger, if I ever was to learn what feeling full felt like. I had to have no hope, in order to gain it and share it in a way that those who are lost can understand.
An eastern thought I read a long time ago is that the bowl has no use when it is full. The emptiness is what makes it purposeful. Getting me to the point of being purposeful to the human race, ultimately is what my difficult childhood did. It made me useful.
The greater the wound the more profound the healing can be.
My trial by fire as irony has it, has given me the strength, experience and hope to reach others.
It's time I let go and quit picking at the scabs and scars because in the end they all made me stronger and they all gave me the purpose I have today. My experience will let me reach people that other people just can't. I am funny, compassionate and loving. I am forgiving, understanding and hopeful. These are my super powers and I wouldn't have them now, if I had, had my way then.