I can't believe I am at a point in my life where it's way easier to talk about being horny than lonely. I spent the whole day not knowing what was going on in with me.  Then I realized what it was. I was lonely. I'm around a lot of great people a lot of the time, but I haven't went to dinner or coffee just one on one with anyone in a long time. My conversations with friends on the phone haven't been on too deep of a level. I've been absolutely obsessing on chocolate lately, and I think it's because the chemical it produces in the brain is the same one that love makes .  So the problem is identified, now lets see how the hell to solve it. No drugs, no food. My God, I'm on a wire with no net and there is only one way across this wire. Blindfolded! lol  Everything hinges on awareness. I am lonely. I make no soul connection with anyone one. How did this happen again when I speak with a ton a people every day? When did I close the door to my heart again.

Show time for Clinton

Video of me on the Gladewater Opry , Jan 20th. This was the second time i sang in 10 years. You can tell that I am no where near where I left off a decade ago, but it was so much better than my first time back 8 months ago, plus I am 80 pounds lighter and mentally a whole lot more free in the head.http://youtu.be/GyxwGoNeoIE

I'm thinking often of Whitney Houston again.  Her death was a year ago in Feb. Her death has sort of stuck with me more than any famous drug deaths. Every day I hear people say if I had enough money, if I was more beautiful , if I had the single best voice ever heard on earth, then I would be happy. The fact that she was riddled with self doubt and created her own prison by setting the mark so high even she couldn't be Whitney HOuston is horrible. In the end the former most beautiful talented women on earth, died in a rented bathtub in scalding water, face down. Insult to injury, the Grammy Party a few floors away in the same hotel went on with out her . As her scalded body was rolled out into the meat wagon, "friends" at the party went right on without her. I saw a clip of Whitney singing before she died  in Germany getting booed off stage. She had made her worst nightmare come true, all by herself. Can you imagine standing curtain side as the announce you to come to the stage and you know that you, yourself are a bad Whitney Houston Imposter and it will only be moments before the audience finds you out.

I"m not sure if it was depression last week or if it was just a few bad days. I'm still positive I don't want to go back on medication for it, if it is depression. I'm happy to say that I caught a several days long break from it. I don't talk about medication much because I am so afraid for someone to hear me say I stopped depression meds nearly two years ago, mainly because I have a support system and I know if it pops up that I have a plan to try and get it under control with counseling, NA and friends. If I get to the point I feel those aren't enough I have a 6 week supply of Paxil, in a cabinet in the kitchen that are ready when I am.

With my particular depression and medication, it puts me in a mild state of apathy. I feel nothing terribly bad, but I don't feel the great highs either. I'm willing to put up with the some lows in order to feel the natural highs of life. I certainly don't want to deny myself the fun part of living because I am wording about surviving the lows. Like I said though, if the time comes and hope it long lost, I am only a handful of steps away for the little pink pills that boost the Serotonin or slow the absorption down.''

Still take the lithium 2x a day though. I'm Ok with some melancholy days but I don't like the goofy shit I do when I'm an unmedicated Bipolar Dumb ass. While unmedicated years ago. I left work and by the time I got home I had decided I was selling everything that I had, erasing my footprints and was moving to a new town where nobody knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be. The mania ended and I was in an empty garage apt me and the auction barn in town, sold all my stuff for 35 dollars. hahahahah

I know that it's called "RECOVERY" but it still surprises me when I get back something I was a hundred percent certain I had given away for keeps in the never ending pursuit of a chemically induced way of life. You know that horrible pins and needles feeling when your foot has fallen asleep and your trying to wake it up again? Sometimes, you just wake up. You just wake up  singing and your spared the pins and needles sensations of coming back to life all together. Thanks Kay, Jo, Hillie, Tarisha, Don and son of Don for making the trip to "Little Nashville" downtown Gladewater. I'm glad I have witnesses. lol It was crazy standing up there 7.5 months later, 77 pounds lighter and unafraid, in my 10 dollar bargain hunter jeans , participating in my own recovery. As my friend Frank T. used to say 20 years ago, "I'm glad to be anywhere fully clothed and in my right mind." lol "Freedom's just another word for nothing less to lose" I'm back on the show on February 19th.

Show time.

7 months ago I sang for the first time in over 10 years. I saw the video saw how fat I was and how awful I sounded. Tonight is a little redemption attempt. I've lost just under 80bls and much less vocally ambition songs. Rehearsal went way better this time and I"m hoping just to have a good time with some old musician friends.

Into the second week of what I assume (assume) is long awaited return of some depression.  It's been close to three years since I had any depression and the thing I noticed today is what a hideous uphill battle to even get to the fridge for a coke. The gym was hard but I finished my little routine. I went to the store and that glass wall was back  between me other the other land dwellers. I don't plan on surrendering to it any time soon, but to experience it with a clean and present mind is a real trip. I felt like this for years and didn't know any different. I often think of the scene where Robin Williams goes to hell to bring his wife back, and the caveat is, the longer he stays there the more he will forget there is any thing different to feel.  I think there are a bunch of things I could surrender to that in no time, I would forget there was any other way be. I know lots of lost folks. I guessing permanently lost.