The Momentarian Blog

Just for today

Friday, February 1, 2013

Posted by etexman903 at 10:30 PM

No comments:

Total Pageviews

Running with scissors. Updated 5/1/2010

This blog I started in 2009 was focused on the spiritual issues I was going through and of course my weight. I am now including my addiction to downers/pills and alcohol. The recovery world is a familiar one to me but what I face now is working a 12 step program and incorporating my spiritual understanding with the programs 12 steps. You are invited to come along for the ride. Please over look the grammar and typing. I don't like to proof read because I start changing the truth I have written to be more palatable to someone that my read it. This is my blog and it is for me but your are welcome. Reply , Respond or Retreat.

Clinton

I have put off trying to blog about what I am learning but I really wish I'd have had a place to throw ideas on the wall like spaghetti and see what stuck years ago.

Nothing is as captivating to me as someone who isn't afraid to look inward and to question the validity of their ideas/ideals. Clever people are such a rush.

In this process of restoring my soul and spirit it would be so great to exchange ideas with another.

The fact I can make it through a whole day without even the slightest urge to drive off a bridge is a testament to good doctors, adequate meds and my very real desire to have better experiences for the second half of my life.(high balling 80years).

I didn't learn growing up what to do with a feeling. Plus I have been convinced that some great personal/family catastrophe was impending and I would be decimated and it wouldn't matter.

Sex, drugs, hiddeous depression, manic wild mood swings or alcohol ,none of them could keep me deadened enough to suit me. I've had massive quanities of liquor and pills inside me but I guess that ending wasn't meant to be......yet.

The release of testicle smashing fear has enabled me to begin the real work. Sifting out what is me, what is someone elses idea of me and finding a real relationship with the humans on the planet with me.

Just last week as I was overhearing two people in a doctor's reception area discuss everything about everything. I sat there and it dawned on me that I don't feel compelled to have an opinion on every single thing. I am not the loud man across from me.

I don't have to talk everytime there is an opportunity to hear my own voice. I was a child in a house where children "were to be seen and not heard" and I gathered it was because what I thought and felt couldn't possibly matter.

I really had no idea about this quality in me until I could get still enough to observe.

That is why I mentioned somewhere here that I am cool, because it has been such a freaking suprise to me as discovering you have an entire floor in your house you never new about.

I like the word Momentarian. It was a movement that really never took off as far as I know. It's focus was living fully in the moment your in right now. Not letting hurts or fears from your past ruin the only shot you have at peace right now.

I really like to project hideous horrible events that will occur to me. Ok, I don't actually like it, but that has been a pattern of mine for a very long time.

I used to ask this question to people for an informal poll- If you were about to be hit by a train would you want to see it coming.

Whatever your answer is is fine, but it highlighted to me that there are people like me who have the misconception that if you know doom is coming, worrying about it for 10 minutes before impact might make some sort of difference in the outcome.

I have learned for myself that worry and future tripping are worthless. They drain your spirit and immobilize all your possibilities, and it really does a number on your loved ones.

Lastly, I have spent my whole life trying to be small and stay out of the way, which is funny because I am 6'6 have weighed as much as 325lbs. Staying out of the way is pretty much impossible at this size.

I want to be a bolder human. I want to have a larger experience and I want to be BIG!

The last thing I was share here is my tendency to dream small too. Someone gave me a scratch off lottery ticket. I was scratching and hoping for 20 dollar to appear. I didn't win. I had it in my had when I noticed the big payout amount was 20,000 dollars. If I were going to dream a dream, why not shoot for the big payout? Both were possibilities and i chose the smaller of the two. Isn't that sad, I haven't learned how to sett my sights further than I can reach with my arms stretched out.

The Facade

Laugh the world laughs with you, cry and you look like shit!

follow by notification

Subscribe To Momentarian

Posts

Atom

Posts

Comments

Atom

Comments

Blog Archive

► 2014 (39)
- ► December (3)
  - ► Dec 01 (3)
- ► November (10)
  - ► Nov 30 (1)
  - ► Nov 29 (1)
  - ► Nov 27 (1)
  - ► Nov 24 (1)
  - ► Nov 19 (2)
  - ► Nov 09 (1)
  - ► Nov 07 (1)
  - ► Nov 04 (1)
  - ► Nov 02 (1)
- ► October (5)
  - ► Oct 31 (1)
  - ► Oct 27 (1)
  - ► Oct 25 (1)
  - ► Oct 21 (1)
  - ► Oct 13 (1)
- ► September (5)
  - ► Sep 18 (1)
  - ► Sep 16 (3)
  - ► Sep 01 (1)
- ► August (1)
  - ► Aug 12 (1)
- ► July (3)
  - ► Jul 28 (1)
  - ► Jul 10 (1)
  - ► Jul 09 (1)
- ► June (2)
  - ► Jun 18 (2)
- ► May (1)
  - ► May 08 (1)
- ► March (3)
  - ► Mar 08 (1)
  - ► Mar 04 (2)
- ► February (1)
  - ► Feb 21 (1)
- ► January (5)
  - ► Jan 20 (1)
  - ► Jan 18 (1)
  - ► Jan 16 (1)
  - ► Jan 03 (2)

▼ 2013 (56)
- ► December (1)
  - ► Dec 03 (1)
- ► October (5)
  - ► Oct 29 (1)
  - ► Oct 13 (1)
  - ► Oct 10 (1)
  - ► Oct 06 (2)
- ► September (8)
  - ► Sep 22 (1)
  - ► Sep 14 (1)
  - ► Sep 04 (6)
- ► August (2)
  - ► Aug 01 (2)
- ► May (9)
  - ► May 26 (1)
  - ► May 19 (1)
  - ► May 17 (1)
  - ► May 16 (1)
  - ► May 15 (1)
  - ► May 12 (1)
  - ► May 11 (1)
  - ► May 06 (2)
- ► April (6)
  - ► Apr 30 (2)
  - ► Apr 29 (1)
  - ► Apr 25 (1)
  - ► Apr 07 (1)
  - ► Apr 05 (1)
- ► March (6)
  - ► Mar 24 (1)
  - ► Mar 21 (1)
  - ► Mar 04 (3)
  - ► Mar 01 (1)
- ▼ February (6)
  - ► Feb 28 (1)
  - ► Feb 27 (2)
  - ▼ Feb 01 (3)
- ► January (13)
  - ► Jan 28 (1)
  - ► Jan 23 (1)
  - ► Jan 20 (2)
  - ► Jan 19 (1)
  - ► Jan 15 (1)
  - ► Jan 13 (1)
  - ► Jan 09 (1)
  - ► Jan 05 (2)
  - ► Jan 04 (1)
  - ► Jan 03 (1)
  - ► Jan 01 (1)

► 2012 (88)
- ► December (14)
  - ► Dec 31 (3)
  - ► Dec 30 (1)
  - ► Dec 27 (1)
  - ► Dec 16 (2)
  - ► Dec 11 (1)
  - ► Dec 09 (1)
  - ► Dec 07 (1)
  - ► Dec 04 (2)
  - ► Dec 02 (2)
- ► November (11)
  - ► Nov 28 (2)
  - ► Nov 27 (1)
  - ► Nov 26 (1)
  - ► Nov 23 (1)
  - ► Nov 14 (3)
  - ► Nov 13 (3)
- ► October (3)
  - ► Oct 04 (1)
  - ► Oct 03 (2)
- ► September (14)
  - ► Sep 27 (1)
  - ► Sep 24 (3)
  - ► Sep 23 (1)
  - ► Sep 22 (1)
  - ► Sep 18 (1)
  - ► Sep 13 (1)
  - ► Sep 12 (3)
  - ► Sep 11 (1)
  - ► Sep 10 (1)
  - ► Sep 07 (1)
- ► August (5)
  - ► Aug 30 (2)
  - ► Aug 29 (1)
  - ► Aug 15 (1)
  - ► Aug 14 (1)
- ► July (7)
  - ► Jul 26 (1)
  - ► Jul 21 (1)
  - ► Jul 19 (1)
  - ► Jul 16 (1)
  - ► Jul 11 (1)
  - ► Jul 07 (2)
- ► June (5)
  - ► Jun 27 (1)
  - ► Jun 18 (1)
  - ► Jun 02 (3)
- ► May (7)
  - ► May 16 (2)
  - ► May 09 (1)
  - ► May 08 (1)
  - ► May 06 (1)
  - ► May 03 (2)
- ► April (3)
  - ► Apr 30 (1)
  - ► Apr 15 (2)
- ► March (6)
  - ► Mar 30 (1)
  - ► Mar 19 (1)
  - ► Mar 13 (2)
  - ► Mar 11 (1)
  - ► Mar 05 (1)
- ► February (6)
  - ► Feb 26 (1)
  - ► Feb 24 (1)
  - ► Feb 23 (1)
  - ► Feb 21 (1)
  - ► Feb 20 (1)
  - ► Feb 17 (1)
- ► January (7)
  - ► Jan 31 (1)
  - ► Jan 26 (1)
  - ► Jan 23 (1)
  - ► Jan 22 (1)
  - ► Jan 12 (1)
  - ► Jan 07 (1)
  - ► Jan 06 (1)

► 2011 (129)
- ► December (18)
  - ► Dec 28 (1)
  - ► Dec 25 (1)
  - ► Dec 23 (1)
  - ► Dec 22 (2)
  - ► Dec 21 (1)
  - ► Dec 20 (1)
  - ► Dec 16 (2)
  - ► Dec 13 (1)
  - ► Dec 12 (2)
  - ► Dec 07 (1)
  - ► Dec 06 (1)
  - ► Dec 03 (1)
  - ► Dec 02 (1)
  - ► Dec 01 (2)
- ► November (1)
  - ► Nov 25 (1)
- ► October (4)
  - ► Oct 26 (1)
  - ► Oct 25 (1)
  - ► Oct 24 (1)
  - ► Oct 17 (1)
- ► September (1)
  - ► Sep 19 (1)
- ► August (4)
  - ► Aug 22 (1)
  - ► Aug 21 (2)
  - ► Aug 20 (1)
- ► July (5)
  - ► Jul 30 (1)
  - ► Jul 29 (1)
  - ► Jul 23 (1)
  - ► Jul 19 (1)
  - ► Jul 01 (1)
- ► June (4)
  - ► Jun 09 (1)
  - ► Jun 08 (1)
  - ► Jun 06 (1)
  - ► Jun 03 (1)
- ► May (15)
  - ► May 30 (1)
  - ► May 29 (1)
  - ► May 28 (1)
  - ► May 25 (1)
  - ► May 23 (1)
  - ► May 22 (1)
  - ► May 15 (1)
  - ► May 12 (1)
  - ► May 10 (1)
  - ► May 07 (1)
  - ► May 06 (2)
  - ► May 05 (2)
  - ► May 02 (1)
- ► April (8)
  - ► Apr 20 (1)
  - ► Apr 19 (2)
  - ► Apr 18 (1)
  - ► Apr 12 (1)
  - ► Apr 09 (1)
  - ► Apr 05 (1)
  - ► Apr 02 (1)
- ► March (43)
  - ► Mar 29 (1)
  - ► Mar 28 (2)
  - ► Mar 27 (1)
  - ► Mar 26 (1)
  - ► Mar 22 (1)
  - ► Mar 21 (3)
  - ► Mar 20 (1)
  - ► Mar 19 (2)
  - ► Mar 17 (2)
  - ► Mar 16 (3)
  - ► Mar 14 (1)
  - ► Mar 13 (4)
  - ► Mar 10 (5)
  - ► Mar 09 (2)
  - ► Mar 08 (6)
  - ► Mar 07 (1)
  - ► Mar 06 (1)
  - ► Mar 05 (1)
  - ► Mar 04 (1)
  - ► Mar 03 (1)
  - ► Mar 02 (1)
  - ► Mar 01 (2)
- ► February (20)
  - ► Feb 28 (1)
  - ► Feb 27 (2)
  - ► Feb 23 (2)
  - ► Feb 22 (10)
  - ► Feb 18 (1)
  - ► Feb 12 (1)
  - ► Feb 06 (2)
  - ► Feb 05 (1)
- ► January (6)
  - ► Jan 30 (1)
  - ► Jan 26 (1)
  - ► Jan 25 (1)
  - ► Jan 24 (1)
  - ► Jan 18 (1)
  - ► Jan 05 (1)

► 2010 (100)
- ► December (7)
  - ► Dec 19 (2)
  - ► Dec 16 (2)
  - ► Dec 07 (1)
  - ► Dec 05 (1)
  - ► Dec 02 (1)
- ► November (9)
  - ► Nov 28 (1)
  - ► Nov 27 (1)
  - ► Nov 22 (1)
  - ► Nov 21 (1)
  - ► Nov 12 (1)
  - ► Nov 10 (1)
  - ► Nov 09 (2)
  - ► Nov 05 (1)
- ► October (6)
  - ► Oct 30 (1)
  - ► Oct 28 (1)
  - ► Oct 25 (1)
  - ► Oct 24 (1)
  - ► Oct 18 (1)
  - ► Oct 04 (1)
- ► September (5)
  - ► Sep 30 (1)
  - ► Sep 24 (1)
  - ► Sep 12 (1)
  - ► Sep 08 (1)
  - ► Sep 02 (1)
- ► August (28)
  - ► Aug 31 (1)
  - ► Aug 28 (1)
  - ► Aug 26 (1)
  - ► Aug 24 (1)
  - ► Aug 22 (11)
  - ► Aug 21 (1)
  - ► Aug 19 (1)
  - ► Aug 18 (2)
  - ► Aug 13 (1)
  - ► Aug 10 (1)
  - ► Aug 08 (1)
  - ► Aug 04 (1)
  - ► Aug 02 (1)
  - ► Aug 01 (4)
- ► July (12)
  - ► Jul 31 (1)
  - ► Jul 30 (1)
  - ► Jul 27 (1)
  - ► Jul 24 (1)
  - ► Jul 19 (1)
  - ► Jul 13 (1)
  - ► Jul 10 (1)
  - ► Jul 07 (1)
  - ► Jul 02 (4)
- ► June (8)
  - ► Jun 29 (1)
  - ► Jun 27 (1)
  - ► Jun 21 (1)
  - ► Jun 17 (1)
  - ► Jun 13 (1)
  - ► Jun 10 (1)
  - ► Jun 09 (1)
  - ► Jun 06 (1)
- ► May (20)
  - ► May 27 (1)
  - ► May 26 (1)
  - ► May 22 (1)
  - ► May 20 (1)
  - ► May 17 (1)
  - ► May 13 (1)
  - ► May 12 (2)
  - ► May 11 (3)
  - ► May 09 (2)
  - ► May 08 (1)
  - ► May 07 (2)
  - ► May 05 (1)
  - ► May 03 (2)
  - ► May 02 (1)
- ► April (4)
  - ► Apr 30 (1)
  - ► Apr 28 (1)
  - ► Apr 27 (2)
- ► January (1)
  - ► Jan 29 (1)

► 2009 (63)
- ► December (2)
  - ► Dec 21 (1)
  - ► Dec 05 (1)
- ► November (1)
  - ► Nov 09 (1)
- ► October (16)
  - ► Oct 27 (1)
  - ► Oct 26 (1)
  - ► Oct 22 (1)
  - ► Oct 18 (1)
  - ► Oct 15 (1)
  - ► Oct 14 (1)
  - ► Oct 13 (1)
  - ► Oct 11 (1)
  - ► Oct 10 (2)
  - ► Oct 09 (2)
  - ► Oct 08 (2)
  - ► Oct 06 (1)
  - ► Oct 03 (1)
- ► September (11)
  - ► Sep 28 (1)
  - ► Sep 27 (1)
  - ► Sep 23 (1)
  - ► Sep 22 (1)
  - ► Sep 21 (1)
  - ► Sep 18 (1)
  - ► Sep 17 (1)
  - ► Sep 15 (1)
  - ► Sep 13 (1)
  - ► Sep 08 (1)
  - ► Sep 01 (1)
- ► August (13)
  - ► Aug 31 (1)
  - ► Aug 29 (1)
  - ► Aug 28 (1)
  - ► Aug 18 (1)
  - ► Aug 17 (2)
  - ► Aug 16 (1)
  - ► Aug 12 (1)
  - ► Aug 09 (2)
  - ► Aug 05 (1)
  - ► Aug 03 (1)
  - ► Aug 02 (1)
- ► July (7)
  - ► Jul 29 (1)
  - ► Jul 25 (1)
  - ► Jul 20 (1)
  - ► Jul 12 (1)
  - ► Jul 11 (1)
  - ► Jul 10 (1)
  - ► Jul 06 (1)
- ► June (13)
  - ► Jun 29 (1)
  - ► Jun 21 (1)
  - ► Jun 19 (1)
  - ► Jun 18 (1)
  - ► Jun 17 (2)
  - ► Jun 16 (2)
  - ► Jun 12 (1)
  - ► Jun 11 (1)
  - ► Jun 09 (1)
  - ► Jun 05 (1)
  - ► Jun 04 (1)

Awesome Inc. theme. Theme images by molotovcoketail. Powered by Blogger.