Sunday, January 20, 2013

I"m not sure if it was depression last week or if it was just a few bad days. I'm still positive I don't want to go back on medication for it, if it is depression. I'm happy to say that I caught a several days long break from it. I don't talk about medication much because I am so afraid for someone to hear me say I stopped depression meds nearly two years ago, mainly because I have a support system and I know if it pops up that I have a plan to try and get it under control with counseling, NA and friends. If I get to the point I feel those aren't enough I have a 6 week supply of Paxil, in a cabinet in the kitchen that are ready when I am.

With my particular depression and medication, it puts me in a mild state of apathy. I feel nothing terribly bad, but I don't feel the great highs either. I'm willing to put up with the some lows in order to feel the natural highs of life. I certainly don't want to deny myself the fun part of living because I am wording about surviving the lows. Like I said though, if the time comes and hope it long lost, I am only a handful of steps away for the little pink pills that boost the Serotonin or slow the absorption down.''

Still take the lithium 2x a day though. I'm Ok with some melancholy days but I don't like the goofy shit I do when I'm an unmedicated Bipolar Dumb ass. While unmedicated years ago. I left work and by the time I got home I had decided I was selling everything that I had, erasing my footprints and was moving to a new town where nobody knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be. The mania ended and I was in an empty garage apt me and the auction barn in town, sold all my stuff for 35 dollars. hahahahah

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