Weird. I was talking with my therapist yesterday about how my perception of my physical self is messed up. I thought I was fat all the way through high school  until my senior year. I was doing a project that had me going through the annuals for the four years I was in school. I was kind of shocked because I was not fat at all in high school and I was even thinner my senior year when I stuck with my FIRST hideously dangerous starvation diet plan.  This weekend when I went for jeans and ended up two sizes smaller than what I grabbed , I realized I have no idea physically how much space I take up. I've been taking a lot of photos lately mostly so i can study myself in them and get a more accurate self image. I tried a side by side comparison wearing the same shirt in the same spot a couple days ago. Fat definitely fills the wrinkles in and I look now like a game show host a bit, but I am trying to develop or redevelop that imagine of self in my head and try to be fair, but accurate- less distorted. IN the photo I am a grown man, a 45 year old man and it flies in the face the idea that I am in in Kindergarten and just waiting for my mommy to pick me up. lol Funny thing about step work and living a life based on self discovery and behavior modification, it forces you to strip away the lies and misunderstands and makes you look at the truth about yourself. Am I suffering because I am in some delusion or allusion that can be exposed as fantasy or am judging reality with sound thinking and clear vision? Time will tell. I know for a fact this stuff doesn't heal or fix itself, so I have some fucking work to do to.

I realize that I have had the benefit of thousands of self ideas, scores of friends who share intimate details of the stories of relationships and countless 12 step meetings , but I heard in a meeting in 1992, "Damaged People Damage OTHER people, Dammit" and I believed it. I believed the second it landed in my ears and hit my brain. I don't have specials or amulets that will protect if I decide to befriend (or more) seriously fucked people. It's universal truth of spirit. It's either ego or stupidity the women fall in love with the bad boy, or men who think that "do something with" a gal. If you leave the glove box open in your, and the tiny light comes, it will burn and burn and finally even though it is a tiny light, it will drain every bit of the juice out of your battery and then the whole car won't start. I"m kind to most everyone but the people I choose or feel led by spirit to get close to are people who have an independent source of light for themselves they come pre-lit. The most they need from me is a spark for the pilot light if it has gone out. I had a job around a treatment center and I let all the clients into my center, in the name of service work and misguided kindness, I was swallowed up by fearful, desperate people and suddenly, I realized , I had left my glove box open,WEEKS Ago. lol All my life I was told "Clinton, you just have to find every thing out for yourself, the hard way". I didn't know any better than to believe them. I lived long enough to find out that, that is not true at all. I hear story and I believe your experience and know if this is how it played out for you, I see know reason my experience would be different. I am FUCKING TEACHABLE today and from the center of the core of my being, I am so thankful. "If a man hits you once, he will hit you again." "Some people are hooked the moment they do coke for the first time" "It's easier to tell the truth the first time". and "Damaged people damage other people, dammit". The only ass I am capable of saving is my own, and that requires me to stay in reality and out of the world of fantasy that my recovery is so grand I can save someone who doesn't want to be save. It is not uncommon for drowning people to drown their rescuers.

One of my favorite quotes is "

There is really nothing you must be and there is nothing you must do. There is really nothing you must have and there is nothing you must know. There is really nothing you must become. However, it helps to understand that fire burns, and when it rains, the earth gets wet.
-Zen saying

Today I am certain the water is wet and fire burns. I have learned how to learn from the tale that the others tell. End of story. ( PUFF PUFF) as my friend Alfred would type

I don't think I"ve grasp that the fact that my choices of food and exercise have change my physical being. I took  my dog on a long walk that was my exercise walk until I joined the gym.   In one leg of of it is three city blogs straight up hill  I would make my self walk without stopping and  months ago but my thighs would burn like fire and when I would reach the top I always had to stop for a second.  Yesterday i walked the hill without burning thighs without breathing heavy and I didn't stop.  This surprises me. ON paper I know  I get that we get stronger but to experience it as real is sort of confusing. None of my clothes fit , In fact I am donating some polo shirts the the mission tomorrow. I went to buy a pair of jeans that fit and that  I wasn't in constant fear of them dropping to the ground like clown pants. I had got some 40 waist 8 weeks ago and was planning on trying on 38 waist knowing they would be tight.  I ended up in a 36. I was so stunned at my waist size i went and got other cuts from Levi's and Wrangler and I wear a 36 in all of them. It was really really shocking. My goal was to be 40 waist so  could buy clothes in regular stores. I have not  been  36 in the waist  since before I was 30 I think. Amazing how terribly out of sync I am with my psychical self. When I gathered the strength and hope to try this again,  I knew I couldn't hate the weight off. I couldn't use disgust as fuel to deny food like my history has been. It's been pretty constant that when I eat something it is with concern for myself. I'm not a breakfast eater but almost everyday I eat something to get the metabolism started and because I know I need fuel, I eat, whether I want to or not. I had a run of 5 days where I punished myself by not eating well or enough. It was as if I could lose enough that somehow I was more valuable as a human. Lucky for me, I talk to friends in recovery and to my long suffering Psychologist and the reminded me that hate or disgust aren't valid forms of motivation.   I sort of feel like I woke up today and I was put in a new body while I slept. Which sounds absurd, but I really have just come out of being absent in my own awareness. This sort of snuck up on me even though I was doing the work. One other thing about the 3 block hill i will mention. I could only look at my feet when I used to walk it because I was afraid if I saw how far I had to go, I would quit or it would hurt more. Yesterday with my dog, I never looked down even once. I only looked ahead and straight forward.

HIt my goal weight, now living and keeping it off

I'm down to about 245. I thought I wanted to go to 230 but I'm afraid if I lose any more weight, my face will look old and I get even more drapie crepe skin . I can't believe I got here from where I started and that once I starting going to the gym it doubled how much I was losing. I was really shocked by that. 77 pounds gone and I feel human again. 77 pounds of self medication and inactivity removed. GRATEFUL and intrigued.

Another year of my human expeirence has come and gone.

Well, we have reached the final day of the year 2012. Some day, young people will look back on this year the way I do 1976 or 1982. The hairstyles and the clothes will make them cringe when they stumble upon old photos. I still think I totally rocked the mullet when it was new and THE new style. A generation comes of age and another becomes obsolete. It's been happening since man began the upright walk. I just noticed it this time in my life of living presently. Happy 2013, and may the lessons we learned from 2012, serve us all well in the future. Every day that I wake up is the most important day of my life because the sun rises and illuminates the chance, the chance to do things different and to start all over again. As I transition into `13, I hope I remember that love is the answer, all I can do is all I can do and that my trip on earth is no more or no less important than yours . Surround your self with people who expect more of you , and not the folks that demand so little of you. When we temporarily forget who we are, what we believe and what we stand for it, is our friends, our comrades or our brothers and sisters of humanity that have the power to wake us from lie of self. Much Love, Clinton

Well, we have reached the final day of the year 2012. Some day, young people will look back on this year the way I do 1976 or 1982. The hairstyles and the clothes will make them cringe when they stumble upon old photos. I still think I totally rocked the mullet when it was new and THE new style. A generation comes of age and another becomes obsolete. It's been happening since man began the upright walk.  I just noticed it this time in my life of living presently. Happy 2013, and may the lessons we learned from 2012, serve us all well in the future. Every day that I wake up is the most important day of my life because the sun rises and illuminates the chance, the chance to do things different and to start all over again. As I transition into `13, I hope I remember that love is the answer, all I can do is all I can do and that my trip on earth is no more or no less important than yours . Surround your self with people who expect more of you , and not the folks that demand so little of you. When we temporarily  forget who we are, what we believe and what we stand for it,  is our friends, our comrades or our brothers and sisters of humanity  that have the power to wake us from lie of self.

My name is Clinton, I'm and addict and In 2013, I'm going places.

  My year long meditation last year was "Freedom in The 12, and I got a lot of freedom I never had. I had more days this year in freedom of medicating with food, and really standing up for myself or others when it was necessary. For 2013 my meditation is "I"M GOING  PLACES".  I have know idea where I'm going but I'm not staying here, in this mind space, in this space of uncertainty or doubt. I'm just gonna keep showing up and saying yes and we will see where life is on 2014. I'm releasing all those ideas that try to convenience me that I'm suppose to stay small.

Life has a magical why of making what you believe in your head become reality. Consider carefully what ideas you cling to. The world is either a place of lack and withholding or there is more than enough for you. You experience is based on what you believe. I feel so badly for the folks locked in fear and addicted to bad news of Fox and even the local news They feed there fear with 500 channels of a never ending broadcast feed of gloom, suspicion and soul poison. In a very real way we determine our experience based on the phenomenon of manifestation. You see what you look for, you live what you believe. Many people I love have never experienced freedom from the misinformation and memes inflicted upon them as kids. They have spent their whole life being small because they don't know they have a choice in the matter. It's hard to begin to monitor just what thoughts are present in your head but practice makes it easier. The only time I have the ability to choose to do something different is in the present moment. There are thousands of ways of getting to THE MOMENT but it's imperative that we find a way to get ourselves there because its the only time and place that change can happen. Living mindfully allows me the ability to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

7.5 months later i am looking like myself again and feeling like my self again. Food is a drug and I want freedom from medicating with food in the same way I am free of drugs. 77 pounds down and 8

Taking the Freedom Train Out Here in 2013

By this time last year, my friend Forrest had ran me ragged with his insistence that I pic some sort of  goal to shoot for in the year 2012.  I told him flat out I was not the New Year Resolution type of person. After he convince me it didn't have to be a "Resolution", just some sort of  idea of hope or action of faith that would be my running them for this past year.  I did a little soul searching and I had experienced some real freedom l in 2011 and it seemed like a good idea to choose 2012 as my year of freedoms. I coined my phrase of "Freedom in the Twelve".  One of the areas I had no freedom in was my relationship with food and over eating to medicate what the drugs used to medicate.  I just tried a suit coat on that was size 46L. It fit. I haven't been able to wear anything out of the size 50's in probably 10 years.  Food has kicked my as a few times but I never surrendered to it like it's bitch. A little over 65 pound later, I have had great glorious moments of freedom from food. Freedom has come in ways I couldn't have planned for. I have got it n the real good habit and I stand up for myself. Freedom.

Freedom was indeed good in 2012. So it is now I look forward to 2013 I'm compelled to use the idea that "My name is Clinton Gandy and I am going places". I have no clue where exactly I"m going but i"m well enough to know, I"m not staying here.  It's been really important to me since I got clean to make the second half of my life better than the first half. I'm open to where , but I have one less year to be concerned about this year. It was  a great year of fun and freedom.  I hope you go place too in 2013.  We are meant to live large boisterous human lives while were here as spirit in human experiences.

MY NAME IS CLINTON, I AM ADDICT AND I AM GOING PLACES IN 2013. I indeed found freedom in the '12 and 13 will find me going places and bringing with me everyone i can scoop up.

Happy Holidays

love,
Clinton