I don't think I"ve grasp that the fact that my choices of food and
exercise have change my physical being. I took my dog on a long walk
that was my exercise walk until I joined the gym. In one leg of of it
is three city blogs straight up hill I would make my self walk without
stopping and months ago but my thighs would burn like fire and when I
would reach the top I always had to stop for a second. Yesterday i
walked the hill without burning thighs without breathing heavy and I
didn't stop. This surprises me. ON paper I know I get that we get
stronger but to experience it as real is sort of confusing. None of my
clothes fit , In fact I am donating some polo shirts the the mission
tomorrow. I went to buy a pair of jeans that fit and that I wasn't in
constant fear of them dropping to the ground like clown pants. I had got
some 40 waist 8 weeks ago and was planning on trying on 38 waist
knowing they would be tight. I ended up in a 36. I was so stunned at my
waist size i went and got other cuts from Levi's and Wrangler and I
wear a 36 in all of them. It was really really shocking. My goal was to
be 40 waist so could buy clothes in regular stores. I have not been
36 in the waist since before I was 30 I think. Amazing how terribly out
of sync I am with my psychical self. When I gathered the strength and
hope to try this again, I knew I couldn't hate the weight off. I
couldn't use disgust as fuel to deny food like my history has been. It's
been pretty constant that when I eat something it is with concern for
myself. I'm not a breakfast eater but almost everyday I eat something to
get the metabolism started and because I know I need fuel, I eat,
whether I want to or not. I had a run of 5 days where I punished myself
by not eating well or enough. It was as if I could lose enough that
somehow I was more valuable as a human. Lucky for me, I talk to friends
in recovery and to my long suffering Psychologist and the reminded me
that hate or disgust aren't valid forms of motivation. I sort of feel
like I woke up today and I was put in a new body while I slept. Which
sounds absurd, but I really have just come out of being absent in my own
awareness. This sort of snuck up on me even though I was doing the
work. One other thing about the 3 block hill i will mention. I could
only look at my feet when I used to walk it because I was afraid if I
saw how far I had to go, I would quit or it would hurt more. Yesterday
with my dog, I never looked down even once. I only looked ahead and
straight forward.
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