It helps to know a little about how the brain and the body responds

On the most rudimentary of levels I understand how my brain works when it comes to stress. Those chemicals that get produced and released in response to my surroundings, thoughts and moves.

It was a big deal when I learned that a fearful thought causes the brain to make the chemical that actually feeds another fearful thought. It's like being trapped on a treadmill when that starts happening and I have to do something, anything to break that loop.

I saw a girl have her first panic attack ever when I was in the hospital and it made me think. If I had known what was happening to me when my panic attacks began it would have made my life easier. I thought I was dying every time. Clean the dishes, hide the porn in case this really is a stroke or heart attack.

I think I almost said a prayer last night. A friend in La is having an uncomfortable time coming back to life and I asked the universe to give her strength.

This shit is hard. Anyone who expects less is in for a drubbing. It's hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to present yourself in honesty because you have no defenses if someone goes on attack.
My old tape says, when you let you guard down you will be leveled of at the knees.

But, I understand that live is lived in moments where you shields are off, free to recieve and exchange feelings, thoughts and ideas with another. Making a bond, a human connection is what life is about. Other people bring you pieces of yourself you didn't know existed, didn't know you lost, or didn't know that they were there.

The difference between a drink and a pill.

Alcohol brought me into the recovery world nearly 20 years ago. I am a bing'ish drinker. I didn't drink every day and if there was less than a 12 pack I wouldn't even bother.

Now the reason I say that is because during the past 2 weeks I have been made keenly aware that I am way more a real live addict than I ever was an alcoholic. I would never want to drink a single beer but I would take a pill in a heartbeat.

I would go through many steps to avoid taking all the pills in a new script in one day but most of the time it happened anyway.

I've always thought, truthfully that N/A was less old white men in button downs than AA and much cooler. But I never felt comfortable there because I had not done my own independent research project of becoming a junkie.

It is so great to be around people like me who have no control over the outcome once the first pill is swallowed. The N/A book says addiction is insidious, AA says alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful.

It's both odd and nice to be started a recovery program where I haven't heard it all before. N/A is a whole new beast.

NO PILLS. That is my new rally cry and it amuses me. When you are lucky enough to get to the space where you can monitor what you thoughts are saying with them running the show, it boggle the brain just how much errant orders are issued to take a pill. I was completely fine yesterday and I had a thought, "wouldn't it be good to mellow out with a downer and nap a while".

I'm thankful I had enough experience to make it back but not so much experience that I crossed it off the list because it hadn't worked yet. Just right. Today I am just right. Just right now.

purpose

I doubt very much a flower wonders what its purpose it, or my dog, or the tree in my yard.  Because humans think they are so much higher up than all the other things on earth , we tweak our egos by thinking that we have a "real" purpose for being here. As if being here and human, and breathing isn't enough on its own. Being here is the cake and all the purposes we think we have are merely icing. The cake, is the cake and being here is our purpose. We have so many choices when it comes to our expression of life in our own humanity. I hear people talking about chasing a single dream. Life is long and we will all have a multitude of dreams. Our purpose is to live a dream filled life. "Keep your feet on the group and your head in the clouds."

I think we all pray for a purpose at times just to make sure we aren't total idiots going after the wrong thing, as if they were such a thing.

Be a better human.

Starting again and I have some stories to tell.

When I was sober for a few years, I started having full blown panic attacks. I didn't know what was happening to me and 4 or 5 times I went to the E/R after I had washed the dished and hidden the porn stash. The first few times their I was assured I wasn't having a heart attack, just anxiety. The treatment for me was that I was given a small blue pill. (not viagra). The doctor doing his job, inadvertantly  introduced me to the drug that would cause me so many problems for the next  9 years. ' As I try to figure out how I got here from there and lived to tell is what I plan on focusing on for the next few days.

I can say, I am clean and sober and really quite happy. The dividing line from now and 2 weeks ago is the new title for my future biography. NO PILLS!  Really that is no pills that are any fun anyway. One really is to many and a thousand really isn't enough.

So, I'm a pill loving alcoholic with bipolar disorder, major depression and an anxiety disorder. I love the fact that sentence alone qualifies me to speak at least 11 different kinds of recovery groups. lol I'm not in the writing mood at the moment but I wanted to let the blog know I was back. It can quit leaving those nasty messages on my voicemail now. lol.

I've been on coast or "slide" for months.

I can't believe how much anger I have trying to come out every which way. Of course I am doing my best to medicate. I just want some of my family members to feel pain. I've been totally sabotaging my dad and step cunt by feeding her information that she had know idea my dad had said.
On the decent human side I know it is not my place to dish out punishment but in the moment it feels fantastic. I'll deal with the aftermath later.

I am absolutely hydroplaning , or driving on ice. There isn't any control really. I'm just have such a seething, brewing anger inside. Anger freaks me out, mine or yours. There isn't any order in it, no control. Crazy.

Frankly I"ve been sooo messed up that trying to figure out what I dreamed, what I imagined and what really has happened in the last few months.

Oh shit. It's been too long

I've been very angry. Anger coming up from 30 years of living. I haven't felt like thinking, or talking or writing. I am alive, and trying to find compassion for the family members I would love to punch in the face if I were a face puncher. It is really hard being a human. It is really hard to feel, as a human. FOr me, it is really hard not to let the bad feeling spin around and make me hurt myself.

quick update

I'm back in Texas, North Carolina is beautiful. I have so much shit to process I am breaking a little longer from the blog but feel free to email me at etexman903@gmail.com

Be human this holiday!

Oh man, its time for a new level of growth

It's that time , that time to be uncomfortable a while while I grow. I feel so defeated by the compulsion for more that I have. If I get the urge to stay up late I stay up all night, if I feel the urge to sleep I want to take enough sleep aids to wake up next week sometime. One diet Coke won't be enough, nor a case of beer or large pizza. I can't enjoy a smoke if I know I only have one in the package. If I had enjoyed the feeling of uppers, i can totally see why people take tons of meth for a LOT of sex.

There is a great line in "Beaches" when Bette Midler's character is told by her mother that she just couldn't love her enough. Bette's character needed so much in order to feel love from people she wore people out.

It dawns on me right this instant that I have an automatic bypass that tells me someone can't love me as much as I want so don't bother. I could leave one or two beers in the fridge forever, I wouldn't feel the least temptation to drink them unless I was assured there would be enough to drink to pass out.

I guess I have never ran across a person that led me to believe that they were even close to having enough love possibility for me to actually feel it.

How do you get to the point when you aren't demanding more love than one human can give. How do you get to the point where you know how to love in balance, eat in balance, drink in balance without dying in the process.

I've got leavin' on my mind

I haven't spent any time out of Texas in almost five years. I leave in the morning and am excited to be striking out on my own. I have know idea what I will do with that ridiculously long lay over in Atlanta.