After redoing my 9th Step 3 times, I was a little surprised at what what I thought I knew and what I knew. When I was 4 years old, I was terrorized by nightmares and my older sister trying to frighten me. I walked around in a nervous fear for years to come. I read that chemically when the body produces the chemical it releases by the bucket when you are frightened (Cortisol) that it actually seals your memories in much like a photo would be burned on to paper years ago. I think about me in a much more caring manner now, I have a lot of admiration and compassion for the way I learned to survive. I watched a friend who has a new baby pick her up and comfort her child. I didn't have anywhere or anyone I could go to when I was frightened. No lap to crawl up in just to feel peace. My mom like to take the time to laugh hysterically when I was frightened, which I seem to always be. We pulled up in front of the "Modern Study Clubs Haunted House and this monster on break, reach in toward me and I lost my mind. I was trying to put the car in gear and my mom was laughing so hard she couldn't breath. Frustrated with the gear shift I made a dive into the floor board to put the gas peddle with my hand to get out of there. There was another issue with a clown at a rodeo along the same lines. If a kid (4 o 5 year old) and there is no one to run to for safety, what else could I do but try to cover up just I was affected at all of the emotional neglect.. I don't know why my mother or father were unable to show up for me emotionally. All the other needs like food and home were more than taken care of. I keep thinking of a tale by a women who stood on a dock while talking to a friend. She noticed the little girl two docks down waving and splashing in the water. The lady waved and went back to her conversation. A moment later she glanced down the lake. The little girl had drown, and her silence, her not yelling for help, not letting on anything was wrong, cost her her life. It's only in adulthood that I have found out it is necessary for me to let people know when I am scared, know when I hurt and let folks know when I am NOT RIGHT.
I feel a lot of sorrow for the kid I was but one of the bittersweet truths of recovery is, if I hadn't learned what despair, fear, abandonment felt like, from the inside out, I wouldn't be able to love people in the same situation I grew up in. I can help someone in fear now. It was my greatest lesson in humanity. Everyone gets frightened or lonely and feel like outcast/misfits. Lucky for me, those were my best subject in my major in HUMANITY
Even with all my big bad knowledge and experience, I would like to go back to that age and just hold that kid.
PS. My mother still brings that story up about the spook has and things is the funniest story in the world. No funny, 40 years later, still un-funny
It makes a lot of sense, how I how have floundered and struggled for 41 years. I didn't have the most basic components for growth and maturity. I sometimes still feel like I'm looking at the door waiting for my mother to appear and spring me from kindergarten. More likely, I am waiting for my mother do jump out from behind a door to scare the fuck out me. Good times......good times.......