I can't believe I am at a point in my life where it's way easier to talk about being horny than lonely. I spent the whole day not knowing what was going on in with me.  Then I realized what it was. I was lonely. I'm around a lot of great people a lot of the time, but I haven't went to dinner or coffee just one on one with anyone in a long time. My conversations with friends on the phone haven't been on too deep of a level. I've been absolutely obsessing on chocolate lately, and I think it's because the chemical it produces in the brain is the same one that love makes .  So the problem is identified, now lets see how the hell to solve it. No drugs, no food. My God, I'm on a wire with no net and there is only one way across this wire. Blindfolded! lol  Everything hinges on awareness. I am lonely. I make no soul connection with anyone one. How did this happen again when I speak with a ton a people every day? When did I close the door to my heart again.

Show time for Clinton

Video of me on the Gladewater Opry , Jan 20th. This was the second time i sang in 10 years. You can tell that I am no where near where I left off a decade ago, but it was so much better than my first time back 8 months ago, plus I am 80 pounds lighter and mentally a whole lot more free in the head.http://youtu.be/GyxwGoNeoIE

I'm thinking often of Whitney Houston again.  Her death was a year ago in Feb. Her death has sort of stuck with me more than any famous drug deaths. Every day I hear people say if I had enough money, if I was more beautiful , if I had the single best voice ever heard on earth, then I would be happy. The fact that she was riddled with self doubt and created her own prison by setting the mark so high even she couldn't be Whitney HOuston is horrible. In the end the former most beautiful talented women on earth, died in a rented bathtub in scalding water, face down. Insult to injury, the Grammy Party a few floors away in the same hotel went on with out her . As her scalded body was rolled out into the meat wagon, "friends" at the party went right on without her. I saw a clip of Whitney singing before she died  in Germany getting booed off stage. She had made her worst nightmare come true, all by herself. Can you imagine standing curtain side as the announce you to come to the stage and you know that you, yourself are a bad Whitney Houston Imposter and it will only be moments before the audience finds you out.

I"m not sure if it was depression last week or if it was just a few bad days. I'm still positive I don't want to go back on medication for it, if it is depression. I'm happy to say that I caught a several days long break from it. I don't talk about medication much because I am so afraid for someone to hear me say I stopped depression meds nearly two years ago, mainly because I have a support system and I know if it pops up that I have a plan to try and get it under control with counseling, NA and friends. If I get to the point I feel those aren't enough I have a 6 week supply of Paxil, in a cabinet in the kitchen that are ready when I am.

With my particular depression and medication, it puts me in a mild state of apathy. I feel nothing terribly bad, but I don't feel the great highs either. I'm willing to put up with the some lows in order to feel the natural highs of life. I certainly don't want to deny myself the fun part of living because I am wording about surviving the lows. Like I said though, if the time comes and hope it long lost, I am only a handful of steps away for the little pink pills that boost the Serotonin or slow the absorption down.''

Still take the lithium 2x a day though. I'm Ok with some melancholy days but I don't like the goofy shit I do when I'm an unmedicated Bipolar Dumb ass. While unmedicated years ago. I left work and by the time I got home I had decided I was selling everything that I had, erasing my footprints and was moving to a new town where nobody knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be. The mania ended and I was in an empty garage apt me and the auction barn in town, sold all my stuff for 35 dollars. hahahahah

I know that it's called "RECOVERY" but it still surprises me when I get back something I was a hundred percent certain I had given away for keeps in the never ending pursuit of a chemically induced way of life. You know that horrible pins and needles feeling when your foot has fallen asleep and your trying to wake it up again? Sometimes, you just wake up. You just wake up  singing and your spared the pins and needles sensations of coming back to life all together. Thanks Kay, Jo, Hillie, Tarisha, Don and son of Don for making the trip to "Little Nashville" downtown Gladewater. I'm glad I have witnesses. lol It was crazy standing up there 7.5 months later, 77 pounds lighter and unafraid, in my 10 dollar bargain hunter jeans , participating in my own recovery. As my friend Frank T. used to say 20 years ago, "I'm glad to be anywhere fully clothed and in my right mind." lol "Freedom's just another word for nothing less to lose" I'm back on the show on February 19th.

Show time.

7 months ago I sang for the first time in over 10 years. I saw the video saw how fat I was and how awful I sounded. Tonight is a little redemption attempt. I've lost just under 80bls and much less vocally ambition songs. Rehearsal went way better this time and I"m hoping just to have a good time with some old musician friends.

Into the second week of what I assume (assume) is long awaited return of some depression.  It's been close to three years since I had any depression and the thing I noticed today is what a hideous uphill battle to even get to the fridge for a coke. The gym was hard but I finished my little routine. I went to the store and that glass wall was back  between me other the other land dwellers. I don't plan on surrendering to it any time soon, but to experience it with a clean and present mind is a real trip. I felt like this for years and didn't know any different. I often think of the scene where Robin Williams goes to hell to bring his wife back, and the caveat is, the longer he stays there the more he will forget there is any thing different to feel.  I think there are a bunch of things I could surrender to that in no time, I would forget there was any other way be. I know lots of lost folks. I guessing permanently lost.

I use to live this way, it's familiar. Hope this is a random rolling drepression and not the staying kind.

I woke up yesterday morning and chose to stay in bed. It is rare, if fact I can' remember the last time I just stayed in bed and restructured the things I had to do. This morning same thing, only I kept having the urge to take a pill to boost my energy. Going through the gym routine was up hill all the way. Then I got home and as uncomfortable as I have felt for a couple days, I realized it was more , way more than familiar. It's depression. I'm counting on it not staying around and the fact that I have a protocol of action just waiting to be activated. I guess it's almost 2 years since I stopped medication. I don't get in my gut this is actually Clinical Depression starting up, rather I think it is some over do "ebb". Just strange feeling and uncomfortable to feel so disconnected with the things around me and life in general. I'll keep my eyes open and the troupes are in reserve. lol

Letter to sponsee in Jail

I"m so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you Jerry. I am happy to hear that your plans are moving along regarding you getting home.  I was sick for nearly three weeks with what I guess was the flu. I finally went to the doctor and got a steriod shot and an antibiotic otherwise I would still be sick.

You are doing such a great job on your step work. I can hear your heart beat in the words that you put on paper. You are also good at getting out the feeling stuff. We are only accountable for our recovery when we know better. I couldn't get clean before I knew I was an addict. We do better when we know better. We see when we see and hear when we hear. In other words you my friend a right on schedule.
When you get out and when you get to regular NA meetings, you will learn how to guard your recovery and your centered, recovery peace of mind . There is a life available to you, that you can't dream up on your own, that working a recovery program in NA will lead you to. No scheming or cleverness can get us where NA will take us. You will gain trust in yourself. It's indescrible to not worry about walking down an isle in Kroger than has beer on it, or go to the doctor without making up a story to get drugs. It's freedom YOu can risk to love someone whether or not they love you back. You know you are safe and fine.

You mention "I should or should have known better couple of of time in your step work. Do you think someone with brain cancer or breast cancer could beat themselves up because they should have seen the possibility? Addiction is a disease, it doesn't discrimate and almost none of us see it coming, EVEN IF we come from a family of addiciton. It's cunning dude. Navy Seal operations have nothing when compared to how addiction slides in on us.

YOu mentioned people saying "why don't you smile". I practiced a look that I thought made me look like I wasn't paying attention when people said mean things. I have seen pictures of that look on me and I look like I not only ride the short bus, but the TINY bus.  I tried to come off as stupid, like Jethro on the Beverly Hillbillies  Isn't that crazy. If people thought I had no motive by the look on my face I was hoping they would leave me alone, no fight here.
YOu mention "Despair and Isolation", Jerry when you use those words, I instantly know that we have been in the same dark pit of death. Those words are much like words the only survivors of the titanic could use and instantly they all know what is meant.
YOu questioning whether you have hit rock bottom, is interesting. I was willing and planning to go lower that God/HigherPower/Great Spirit would let me know. I was prepared for the darkest existence possible in human form. I kept getting rescued. So I to could possibly argue the fact i never hit rock bottom. I never died, completely demoralized. My emotional bottom is pretty sufficient though. I've walked the planet for to long with love for no one. I trusted that know one could love me and I saw everythign from behind a thick glass wall. My bottom is being separate from humanity, from family. Friendless, hopeless, loveless was my bottom. The rest is just geography.
It's funny that you mention working without gloves. There is a disconnect that tells us it doesn't matter if it hurts us or it won't hurt us if we don't care. I  do that with condoms now. It's hard for me to matter to myself.  It's is something I hope to get better at. I hope hope we both get better and really mattering to ourselves.
It's Ok, for your answers and your recovery to look like your own. Your answers or thoughts don't have to be like anyone else s  You are free , even though the facility thinks your not. I can imprison myself faster, deeper and more grim than any Texas facility can. I'm just not locked up and bound by hurt today I don't knock myself out of the game so I can avoid the pain of you doing it to me. There is a life, a state of mind, a place that you can't get to anyway but through the Steps, a high power and the people you choose to let get to know you. You are doing such a good job on your step work. I think your answers are way more on point than mine were.
I just wanted to get this to you and I will write you next week. I"m sorry it took me this long to get back to you.
Much love and so proud- Clinton