Slow my ass down.....

All day long I have had to consciously choose to slow down. One situation after another where my first instinct was to grumble out have to wait at the ATM, the store and in traffic.  It started this morning when my senior neighbors were walking past our drive just as I was ready to pull out. I felt the chemical urge to get impatient but I instead watched the near 80 year olds walk together like it was their first walk ever together. One would point , the other would look and then they would discuss it. She is eaten up with cancer and I wondered how many more walks for them would their be. I went to use the ATM at my bank and they had it dismantled in pieces. I went to another bank where an old hand stuck out the window pushed buttons for what seemed like 10 minutes. I wanted if he had figured out how to write a word document on the damn thing.  I finally got through the ATM line, pulled out on the the residential street and the same old man had parked on the side of the rode I guess to count his money and decided to pull into the street just as I approached. Had I not seen him and basically stopped, he would have ran right into me because he was oblivious to my presence. Repeatedly I had to not rush and be present the whole day long. Some days I do in naturally, other days like today, it takes effort not to be in such a rush that I make myself miserable trying to get somewhere in a hurry. I'm happy I had the presence of mine to choose to slow down, and somewhat be present for my own moments.

Another friend crosses the finish line.

I had a notice on Facebook that a friend of mine had died. His made found him and they suspect heart attack. I suspect he finally took to many pills.  I have not spoken with him in a while. He got pissed at me for not paying enough attention to him as he told me a tale that was hindered by too much Klonipin. He blocked my number. He was a huge huge fan of disco. When I got home I pulled up Donna Summer singling "McArthur Park" and cried. It was the first time I ever cried over the death of someone. Not being on Paxil left me free enough to feel and have an honest emotion.  I cried for the laughter he brought to me, and his fierce allegiance. He was a real Yankee pain in the ass but he was so easy to love. I had a great history of friendship with him and I think I grieved some of my on history along with his, those beautiful boys we were are just a part of the history in my heart..  He never could get clean. He kept believing if he could just get everything together house wise, money wise he would be happy. As far as I know he died funny but not fulfilled. He was a poet, and when he forced me to recieve his book of poetry I told him I wasn't a fan of poems. He really wanted me to have a copy of his book and I told him, OK, but I am not reading it and I don't want you to ask what I thought. I don't have the component to enjoy poetry.  I did read a couple of them and it was so intimate I felt like I was peeking in his private journal. Which pleased him much.  So to my funny friend Michael Tague of Fort Dodge Iowa, I will see you on the other side of the finish line. You were a true kindred spirit and every time I hear the driving beat of a disco song, I'll look for you. Thank you for being my favorite pain in the ass. Elvis has indeed, left the building.

love

I caught the last 5 minutes of the update "Unsolved Mysteries today. There was a jewish man who was 14 when the concentration camp was liberated. He ran into a young soldier who gave him food. Overcome the kid dropped to his Knees and held onto the young soldiers leg. The soldier stroked his shaved head and kept telling him over and over that it would be ok.

The grown up man recalls the story and broke down in tears when the soldier touched him, hugged him. He smelled, he was covered in lice but the soldier didn't care. He just had this moment with this kid. He got rations for the boy and the others and he was never seen again.

I want to be the soldier. I want to touch, to hug and to love people that think they are too dirty for such human touch. It is like a magnetic pull in the core of my chest to love like this. I don't know how it's going to happen but I feel like it is. Not only was I born this way, my life of not feeling love is my greatest teacher on what people need and how to give love to them in a way they can feel.

In '82 when I went to the dentist, it was the first time Universal Health Precautions had started and I remember feeling like I was to dirty for the dentist to touch. The rubber gloves freaked me out. I knew exactly what he meant when he was taken by surprised someone was willing to touch him. It's a struggle for me to feel worthy of touch, but I have no problem at all giving love. My problem is receiving it without becoming nauseous.

At over 40 I am still figuring out how I feel.

I've had three days in a row where I have been completely unable to articulate what I am feeling. No sadness or depression just rather flat and tired. I feel the way I always thought mononucleosis would make me feel. So what have I done, I've meditated, read, talked with recovery buds, went to meetings, talked with my sponsor and just waited for me to feel my way past whatever is going on. Even if I felt this way forever it is still miles better than what pre-recovery Clinton felt like.  I like the the fireworks and bells+whistles, so the lower end of the spectrum of feelings kind of freak me out. I finally weight today and was very happy with 17 pounds lost,, plus I had on my big earth sandals that weight over 3 pounds. I just didn't want to seem desperate by taking my shoes off to see the scale go down three more pounds. It's still a very long way to go but I feel like i have made a good start. Don't forget I gained 40 pounds in my first year of recovery. I want my relationship with food normalized and I am using my recovery program to get to where I want to be. Food nor drugs have power over me today and I find I am learning stuff in the food area that directly relates to my drug addiction. I told the story of the mini-Hershey bar story today at noon. If I didn't eat the one mini-bar, I wouldn't eat the whole bag then hate myself for doing it.

I realized this is simplistic, so it would never work today. The United States doesn't make anything. No TV's , no clothes, no anything. Why should it be a surprise we  have no jobs for people. We need a product besides badly behaved movie stars and wanna be reality people. FDR put people to work by building roads, and damns and fixing land and soil  problems that  partly caused the dust bowl. The documentary of the Dallas family that removed everything from their home that wasn't made in the U.S.A nearly completely gave up it was such a task. Did you know not a single tv on the planet is made in the U.S.? Even Film makers film out of the country because it's so much cheaper. American movies are technically, foreign films.

oh happy happy damn day. lol

Any holiday that involves people not working is always a nightmare here in house of Gandy. It's always the same pain that is trotting out every time. The only change and it was a good one is I had no involvement in the Memorial Day Blow Out of 2011. (not even close to the Easter massacre) I only knew it went down after some stomping up the hall way went on capped with a slamming of a door than doesn't close all the way (very effective. lol) I ask my mom what was going on while I was gone hesitantly. It mostly involved my selfish , crack and Xanax riddled sister's selfish-self centeredness. I'm not saying she doesn't have real pain, but she was unpleasant and self centered as a child. Deep down , she doesn't like me and I have mostly no feeling for her. Although I have mentioned before, I would make a solid attempt to get her out of a burning house.. Today was different for me because I am different. I don't look for reasons to get my feelings hurt so I can retreat under the bridge and mentally masturbate myself with how wrong everyone else is. Yes, things suck but nothing sucks forever and I am making decisions and changes daily to get me to a different level of living and loving and coping with the people the universe places in my life, or the ones I pull in to allow me to practice being a good human even though they irk me. I hope there is no freaking holiday in the foreseeable future where everyone in the house is here all day. Otherwise, I might break out the "nighty night sandwiches" to serve at lunch and put them all down for a nap. lol I have been changed and it was apparant in my reactions today. I'm a few inches closer to being the me I hope for on birthday candles and stars in the sky.

Suddenly, without notice, things get different.

This was one of those days when all the changing that I am doing caught up with me and suddenly everything including me is different.  I have opportunities landing in my lap that are proof positive that the universe loves me just as much as everyone else. I wasn't as it turns out,  born into a life where I was automatically excluded from all things that make being human so great. I am well thought of by people that matter to me. I'm trusted and I have people believing in my abilities that I didn't know I possessed.  It's really more magical than any movie. Simply by opening my heart and mind up to the truths of the universe, the thick glass wall that kept me from being a participant in life has been removed. The only way that glass goes back up and cuts me off again is if I myself  stop making choices that open me up. I don't want to be closed off from the spirit or the planet again. There are things that I have to do in order for that to happen and the main thing is to stay with people who are spiritually in tune and open. The longer I go without being around a source of life and change, the more and the quicker I forget such a space is available to me. Spiritual amnesia leads to living death. When I can't remember who I am , anyone with any spirituality can give me a jump start. That is why I am always bringing new people into my circle. The odds of us all forgetting who we are at once are next to impossible. I am so thankful for everyone who utters the syllables that form my name and all the people I speak the names of when I count my miracles at night. Thank you for being my friend and thank you for reminding me who I am, but mostly for showing me all the possibility that lies in us all, each of us.

Get me out of here

My sister poked her head in the computer room and said her stomach was growling. She asked if I wanted her to pick up anything for me when she made her breakfast run. I said no. So an hour and 15 minutes later she comes back and is completely serious when she interupts my phone call to ask me if I knew anyone with a litle "Flat Bottom boat". I didn't even try to hide my displeasure as I replied NO. 5 minutes later she is back and asking me where she could find some rocks. Free rocks. She wanted to make a little walk pathway in the backyard where be barely even mow. Next she shows me some baskets she has tried to paint black and I nod my head approvingly. Next she digs through some storage bends and puts on her little skirted swimsuit which she is still wearing. Now we do live near the lake but it is easily 3 blocks from here and she has never been.

I honestly can say, whatever she smoked or swallowed in the75 minutes she was gone does not interest me in the bit. I can't get over how she gets overcome with this creative thinking when she is stoned on whatever but has no talent for reproducing these delusions of artistic, creative endeavors. May that still is always just below her skin but it comes out screwed up when she is stoned. Do you remember the fake leather suitecase she autopsied in the wee hours of the morning?  It could be worse, she could get mean like I did on occasion.lol  I hate that she keeps doing this shit. I really hate it. I wish the universe would step in and intervene in her insanity. But that is my plan for her and not the power all that is.

light

Once you have felt the full impact of enlightenment, it is damn near impossible to find any comfort in returning to the darkness of being. We were built and designed to live in the light. We are not mushrooms that thrive in the dark and love to be covered in waste. Just for today, I don't want to live in an UN-natural state of being. I am light, and I'm "lovin' it.

More insight from Campout.

I am in that place this morning where I have had an experience and I must find a way to process it and get the most out of the effort. I am very disappointed that this weekend failed to move me in the way it seems to move others. Part of me wants to stomp and pout about how yet another time, I don't not fit in the groove that others do, the other part of me knows better. If anything was learned over the last three days is that my journey on the planet is going to always me uniquely my own. I have to find my own way of feeling connected and part of things. The thing I keep learning over and over and over again is that I'm not supposed to be like you. I am suppose to be me. I have to be me in order to get the things done, things the universe wants me to get done. I have to be honest, as I watched out the window of the rv at everyone running about, I was thinking, what is it in me that keeps me from enjoying the things that I am seeing through the plexiglass. So I think I am more assured now that there is nothing wrong with not caring for big functions, dances and campouts. It has nothing do to with me not trying to be "part of". Those just aren't my things and I am confident in that now. I'm not going to feel like I am not trying any longer. I know myself a lot better and I trust myself a lot more thanks to the 13th Annual Campout. Wasn't what I expected to figure out or learn from the weekend but, it's a pretty big shift in understanding and I will happily take it. The parts I did enjoy the most were the parts I could have driven out especially for like others. It is no big surprise that my favorite parts of the weekend were when I got to spend time with the people from the hall that have the "sparkle" I am drawn most. There are people in my recovery that I don't think it would ever be possible for me to get enough of.