I started back on my eating program yesterday. It's an important step for me because in the past, I lose weight and then lose my way. The fact that i made it thru yesterday after taking 13 days off is great. I'm proud of myself because the voice that tells me "You can't stick to this" didn't win. Just a day by day approach but anytime I can fall apart, get up and try again is a big ass victory to me. Interestingly, without having food to buffer my thoughts and feelings, I have noticed the "chatter" has been a little more fierce and I don't really feel psychically that great. Cutting out the sugar is part of it, it has a nasty detox. It isn't about getting thin. "Thin" most times makes people look older or sick. I am tired of feeling powerless over what I put in my mouth and the sneak/secret eating makes me feel like I have a layer of grime on me. When you are out of balance and out of control and your drug is something you do in hiding, is different that food being your drug, because when you are fat, you have no choice in showing the world there is something out of balance. My powerlessness over food shows every time I move and my man boobs jiggle underneath the unforgiving fabric of my shirt. With drugs, you can simply not be around them, with food, we still have to eat. I'm inviting the program of NA into my food thing. Thankfully I don't have to know how to stay on an eating plan long term. I only have to care for myself with my food choices in this moment and then in this day. I remember an episode of Designing Women where Suzanne talks about the irony of her spending a day hurt and sad because she had too much to eat, when there was a boy representing a foreign country there trying to educate the world on the starvation of his family and others in his crippled home land.
I have to much to eat, that is an American problem. I just want some balance and peace with it. I want some freedom from this. I have dieted since I was in the 9th grade. I had brought a blouse to my 90 year old grandma and after she tried it on she said she needed to lose weight. My earliest memories of grandma were linked with her crazy dieting, the cantaloupe diet, the pineapple diet, the tuna diet (which actually took away her sense of smell for weeks after quitting it) the liquid shake diet, the cabbage soup diet.Aktins, Scarsdale, High carb , low care and Weight Watchers. I asked her when she first tried to restrict her food and she said at 11 years old. That meant for 80 years she had fought with food and weight. What a waste of energy.