I'd love to feel that safe and loved

Edit

I woke up in the same place I went to sleep. Cool. lol

by Clinton Rolen Gandy on Wednesday, March 16, 2011 at 6:20am

I got to speak with a great man with several months clean a few days ago and I have been pestering the him to find a sponsor. He said that he was working the steps and that he had several people that he spoke with but hasn't found someone to sponsor him yet. My concern for him is that I just like him so much and he has this great big spirit of kindness about him I worry that what has happened with other people I have seen who refuses to work the core CORE suggestions of the program is going to happen to him. Sponsoring yourself makes spotting areas of self=deception fucking impossible.
He mentioned he new someone who was a decade clean and had never been to NA.
All I need to know, is there is a Grand Canyon size gap in being abstinent and recovering. Maybe on a bad day, clinging to abstinence may be all I have, but I come to NARCOTICS ANNONYMOUS damn nearly daily and pay my dollar (most days) because I want to live a recovered life. I want my life and spirit to be remade from the inside out like dozens of other people I have seen. I'm not there by any means to win a fancy car or go back to school and see my lifelong dream of being a doctor or a lawyer finally happen.(some do and we use them for the brochure cover. lol)
My recovery goal and my recovery dream is really simple. I want to not use on a daily basis and wake up with the knowing I have something awesome to offer the world and I want to be as gentle and kind with my shortcomings as I am with yours.
I just want to thoroughly enjoy the experience of being a "spiritual being having a human experience", and I want to bring anyone that's interesting in that too, along with me.
Plus, it's nice to be at the party and not worry about being made fun of. lol

From the Basic Text of NA

We learn to become flexible and to admit when others are right and we are wrong. As new things are revealed, we feel renewed. We need to stay open-minded and willing to do that one extra thing; go to that one extra meeting; stay on the phone that one extra minute; and help that newcomer stay clean that one extra day. This extra effort is vital to our recovery. We come to know ourselves as never before. We experience new sensations, such as finding out what it is to love, to be loved, to know that people care about us, and to have concern and compassion for others. We find ourselves doing things that we never thought we would be doing, and enjoying them. We make mistakes and we accept and learn from them. We experience failure and we learn how to succeed.

My simple simple needs for my new 2.0 life

Just for a while I don't want to worry about keeping my car running. I want to live on a bus route, I want only enough space for my bed, tv and computer with ice access and a piece of a kitchen. I want it close to wherever I find work and I don't want to be in such a neighborhood I am frightened to be outside at night. I don't care one whip about have a large space with great furniture and a car with a payment of 5 hundred dollars. I just want to start from scratch and learn to be fully self supporting and I want the life I life to be mine.

Even as simple as those things are above, it completely confuses me on where to start.

Time for change but what first?

It's been a long long day. I'm really not used to feeling this much angst. My mother said something in the car that was not only an attempt of making me feel like a child, is sort of emasculated me too. I almost responded it to it and then i just knew it would only start an argument. No my sister has taken too many ambien and she is flitting about the house like she is on major speed. My ability to meet calamity with serenity is gone. I know there is a way out of this but I can't seem to find the first step toward my adult life. I'm not using over it but I also don't plan on feeling like crap because someone's insanity-not my own. I'm sick to shit of my sister being fucked up , the trip she took was so relaxing for me. lol

I love to get an idea across

My mother has never understand the principle of my using drugs even though it's never gone well. She has a  digestive system that can't tolerate milk or ice cream, but once in a blue moon she's eat/drink some and then is really quite ill. Perhaps once in the last 365 days she has used a dairy product and gotten away with it. 95 percent of the time it will make her sick, she knows it, it isn't new but she does it anyway because the taste is good. Sickness follows and she says never again.

Now I know, lactose intolerance is a stretch comparing it to drug abuse, but the insanity is just the same and I have been looking for a way to help her understand the insanity of thinking she can get by with just a little ice cream is the same way I hope I can use a little dope and get away with it even though history says I won't. Just looking for a bridge to help understand each other. When you speak different languages of understanding ANY bridge that covers some of the gap is a good thing.

More thoughts of working without the net of one of my meds.

This is 2 weeks into my process and feelings are connecting to my head and my spirit. I usually just got the head connection. I honestly think that original the disconnect was a psych  response. My brain new my spirit couldn't take anymore pain, but as my recovery program healed some of that , my multi-year use of Paxil had me in the pharm-apathy that still stopped me from feeling the spirit-mind-feeling process that is one of the best parts of being a human being. Just today I was telling a friend how happy I was that after 17 years of jail and home confinement his freedom is  just days away and I felt my spirit flutter and my eyes get warm. It made me feel connected and alive.
I'm still a big advocate of medicines, I just had done enough healing to take the  safety ropes off . Like I said I have 5 or 6 refills on file and if the darkness returns, I'll be at CVS by lunch time. lol