My life as a living prayer

Today at the noon meeting the topic of Prayer and meditation. Mediation have no problems with but just the word "prayer" brings up all sorts of negative religious notions. A guy in the meeting said he tries to live his life as a prayer by being of service and compassionate to the people he comes in contact with.

I really grooved on that. I can call me living compassionately a prayer without getting freaked out about the word. I remember when I was small we had a little open wooden book on the tv that had the lords prayer on it. I couldn't understand how one prayer written by someone that long ago would work for me , here and now. Why would I want to communicate with a higher power with someone elses words?

We all want to be heard

We all want to have our humanity acknowledged – to have others see us for who we truly are. We all want to know that we are valued, we are heard, we are understood. The best thing you can ever do is sit across from someone and utter two little words: "Tell me."..Nate Burkus

That certainly speaks to me on all levels. I do want to be acknowledged and to know that someone values my role in humanity. I've had a lot of people respond to their perceptions of the image they see of me but not what's behind it.

So, not only do I want to feel like a human, I want someone to see me being one. lol

trying to get back in the swing of things

It is harder than I would think to get active in life again. Make appointments with friends, stopping by the mall to see where a new friend works. One thing is my car is a rolling piece of possible disaster, the other is the fact I live in a different town than everyone one else. My friend Hill lives in the same town as me though and I can't seem to make it over there either. Coming back to live is a slower process than I thought it would be. I keep trying and eventually I will make some progress. I love the old saying "slow and steady wins the race". It gives me permission to take my time.

I'm tired

Participating in life and in recovery is really tiring when your used to being inactive and sloth-y. I'll try to get here tomorrow with more words.

The Promise of Next.

I shared briefly the other day about my compulsion to periodically rid myself of things. My clothes have been pared down to the minimum and my actual "things" could fit in a trunk. I have always felt sort of embarrassed that things didn't mean to much to me but now I think I am glad. I am not a slave to things and I don't love anything that doesn't have the capability of loving me back.

Heterosexual men, that I have know are caught up in things. Having things, getting the next thing completely describes my dad. He loves the wrong things. That is sad and it makes me sad that he isn't able to make a real connection with my sister or me. It seems like such a waste. I hope I don't make the same choices he made, I hope I don't suddenly find "things" so important.

More than anything I want to have a heart that is reached and reaches people as honestly and real as possible and not bedazzled by the promise of next, bigger, newer.

The flow.

I am going to name my Higher Power , FLOW. The flow of the earth, nature and the universe is my HP. The way the rivers travel to the sea, the way a seed burst out of the soil to become a fruit and even the spinning of the earth. There is a flow, when I remove myself from it, I feel pain and I try everything to ease the pain. Luckily I have made it back into the flow.

Freedom's just another word for nothing else to lose

Several people in my family have a hard time with their "Things" they don't want to get rid of anything in case they might need it. The collection of things give them an identity of sorts. I have very few things and at least 4 times a year I go through all of my stuff and rid myself of it.

I'm not saying I am right and they are wrong nor am I saying that "thing" collecting could ever work for me. I am aware that in the world of the spirit, you must constantly make room by shedding things to make room for the new to come in. "In with the old, out with the new", it's like my favorite analogy from an eastern religion that compares life to a bowl. When the bowl is empty, then and only then is it useful. One the bowl is full, it isn't any good to anyone. Life is about filling, emptying and refilling and emptying our "Bowls".

By holding on to useless old ideas, we don't make room for any new one. New ideas and new experiences are our lifeblood. Since there is no graduation of life we have to constantly keep trying to grow and experience or we get full, stagnant and infectious.

The spirituality I understand at the moment is about the flow of the universe. When I am going against the "flow" it hurts and I get know where. If I try to remove myself from the "flow" all together I am so desperately lonely I want to die.

But, when I am on my game, letting go of old ideas, old pain/hurts and a mind set on personal destruction, I can inter "The flow".

When you are flowing you know it. Things happen without struggle and a tree is a tree, a flower is a flower. I'm being what I was put here to be.

The only true peace I have ever known is in "The Flow".

I give myself permission to......

Don't I know that feeling.