The Momentarian Blog: I give myself permission to......

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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I give myself permission to......

Posted by etexman903 at 5:01 AM

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Running with scissors. Updated 5/1/2010

This blog I started in 2009 was focused on the spiritual issues I was going through and of course my weight. I am now including my addiction to downers/pills and alcohol. The recovery world is a familiar one to me but what I face now is working a 12 step program and incorporating my spiritual understanding with the programs 12 steps. You are invited to come along for the ride. Please over look the grammar and typing. I don't like to proof read because I start changing the truth I have written to be more palatable to someone that my read it. This is my blog and it is for me but your are welcome. Reply , Respond or Retreat.

Clinton

I have put off trying to blog about what I am learning but I really wish I'd have had a place to throw ideas on the wall like spaghetti and see what stuck years ago.

Nothing is as captivating to me as someone who isn't afraid to look inward and to question the validity of their ideas/ideals. Clever people are such a rush.

In this process of restoring my soul and spirit it would be so great to exchange ideas with another.

The fact I can make it through a whole day without even the slightest urge to drive off a bridge is a testament to good doctors, adequate meds and my very real desire to have better experiences for the second half of my life.(high balling 80years).

I didn't learn growing up what to do with a feeling. Plus I have been convinced that some great personal/family catastrophe was impending and I would be decimated and it wouldn't matter.

Sex, drugs, hiddeous depression, manic wild mood swings or alcohol ,none of them could keep me deadened enough to suit me. I've had massive quanities of liquor and pills inside me but I guess that ending wasn't meant to be......yet.

The release of testicle smashing fear has enabled me to begin the real work. Sifting out what is me, what is someone elses idea of me and finding a real relationship with the humans on the planet with me.

Just last week as I was overhearing two people in a doctor's reception area discuss everything about everything. I sat there and it dawned on me that I don't feel compelled to have an opinion on every single thing. I am not the loud man across from me.

I don't have to talk everytime there is an opportunity to hear my own voice. I was a child in a house where children "were to be seen and not heard" and I gathered it was because what I thought and felt couldn't possibly matter.

I really had no idea about this quality in me until I could get still enough to observe.

That is why I mentioned somewhere here that I am cool, because it has been such a freaking suprise to me as discovering you have an entire floor in your house you never new about.

I like the word Momentarian. It was a movement that really never took off as far as I know. It's focus was living fully in the moment your in right now. Not letting hurts or fears from your past ruin the only shot you have at peace right now.

I really like to project hideous horrible events that will occur to me. Ok, I don't actually like it, but that has been a pattern of mine for a very long time.

I used to ask this question to people for an informal poll- If you were about to be hit by a train would you want to see it coming.

Whatever your answer is is fine, but it highlighted to me that there are people like me who have the misconception that if you know doom is coming, worrying about it for 10 minutes before impact might make some sort of difference in the outcome.

I have learned for myself that worry and future tripping are worthless. They drain your spirit and immobilize all your possibilities, and it really does a number on your loved ones.

Lastly, I have spent my whole life trying to be small and stay out of the way, which is funny because I am 6'6 have weighed as much as 325lbs. Staying out of the way is pretty much impossible at this size.

I want to be a bolder human. I want to have a larger experience and I want to be BIG!

The last thing I was share here is my tendency to dream small too. Someone gave me a scratch off lottery ticket. I was scratching and hoping for 20 dollar to appear. I didn't win. I had it in my had when I noticed the big payout amount was 20,000 dollars. If I were going to dream a dream, why not shoot for the big payout? Both were possibilities and i chose the smaller of the two. Isn't that sad, I haven't learned how to sett my sights further than I can reach with my arms stretched out.

The Facade

Laugh the world laughs with you, cry and you look like shit!

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