Shaking it off.

I haven't been doing very well shaking off frustrations of daily life. I took medicare transport yesterday to have an injection in my neck because I wasn't suppose to drive afterward. I finished at 2:30 and was in that transportation van until 6pm. I was climbing the walls. The hold up was we had to wait on 2 kids who were in a clinic with their mother. I was trying to meditate, think calming thoughts but I wanted to scream.

Then when they emerged my heart broke for the overwhelmed young black girl that had them. She had the look of "broken" on her face and I felt terrible about being anxious to go home. When she got in she explained that even though she had a 2:30 appointment they weren't prioritized as important. They had squeezed in sick kids ahead of her. The kids hadn't eaten and they were beautiful little boys under 8.

I felt like a real schmuck. Did I mention she and the boys live in a shelter? Yes, I got over myself.

Today though I am so irked at the idiots in this country. So what, Obama called Kanya a jackass. Bush and Cheney both said worse things when they thought their mic was off. These teaparty people are nuts. I applaud that some people want a change and formed this group, but many of them are racist nuts who are using this Teaparty thing as a cover up. Did you read any of the signs they held on there march. They were racist and even worse, they were clever or spelled right.

I know for a face here in East Texas there are members of the moment who are hoping it will help Texas remove itself from the U.S. and be an independant country. Those freaks scare me because they border on white supremacy. I called a local ad about firewood once and this guy had a 4 minute outgoing message for "The Republic of Texas". I didn't by the wood.

I mentioned before that I really do understand the pendulum affect of life. In order to become the best we have to become the worst. A wound is neccessary to have a healing.

I just have took to much in the last couple of weeks and it has caught up with me. I need a clense or a purge and this entry was my first step.

oh Yeah, Human!

Sometimes, the funniest things remind me that I am human. A friend of mine has a small business and she has been putting out food for several weeks for the long haired silver cat she calls Farrah. She showed up the week Farrah Fawcett died. We had a very rainy day all day yesterday and right before my friend left her shop Farrah showed up with a baby in her mouth. The weather was dreadful so my friend made a bed in a box and the cat dropped her baby off there. She disappeared and showed up with another baby and then another.

The kittens were very well taken care of and their eyes were bright and inquisitive. I looked one of them in the face today and looked into its giant eyes and felt that rush of compassion that reminds me what life is all about and at the same time scares me because it means I am vulnerable. When I started to leave today the Farrah was laying in the box feeding her 3 babies. It never fails when I am a little disconnected that if I look to nature I find my heart again. She is such a good mommy and she does it by just following her instincts. Obviously where ever she had hidden those babies thus far suddenly became to dangerous for her to leave her babies there.

The whole experience made me want to rush home and hold me dog. lol

sitting down, getting still

As much as I try to watch out for the things outside my control I get exposed to, sometimes things get in. I am picking up a lot of frustration from tv and people I am in contact with. Last night the mere sound of a couple of peoples voices and a particularly bright overhead light irked me. That isn't who I am. I am much more mellow than that. So today I focus on getting centered and finding my level of peace and comfort. Dogs bark, period.

I want to leave Texas. Specifically I am going to Alaska to see the Northern Lights, the mountains, the snow and the water. I just can't figure out how to get there from here.

I've been stalled out for a good portion of my life because I just don't know how to get from , idea to initiated idea. In other words I don't know how to "START". lol

I got online tonight and there was a facebook invite from a girl I grew up with. I looked at the photo and though it had been 20 plus years since I had seen her, I knew her instantly. I was struck by the big brown eyes of her photo. The had such depth in them I never noticed it when I went to school with her. The chat box popped up and it was her. I wanted to know if she was happy. Then I told her I was sorry I hadn't been nicer to her and that I wish I had been nicer to a lot of people. She said I was always nice and that she remembered how very funny I was. It was great to catch up to her.

I do wish I had been nicer to some people. I wish I would have asked them how they were doing and really listened when they answered. I didn't realize that they were needing the same thing I needed, for someone to be on their side, to really see them and to listen when they speak. Also it would have been great to know sometimes you need to read between the lines.

My body is so warm and fuzzy right now. To meet someone with honest in the moment is an unearthly experience to me. I feel like I am vibrating with love. Love for myself and for others who have spent time in the dark.

Woodstock

I watched the 2 hour docu on Woodstock Sat. night and I can't stop thinking about it. I never really understood what the big deal was and I hate that kind of music and never had interest in LSD, but for the first time I really get what a big deal that was and what a time in history that was. I really hate I was only 2 and didn't drive yet. lol 1968 was so aweful by '69 the country was having their boys slaughtered in a useless war, the death of the civil rights leader Dr. King and Bobby Kennedy and 300,000 young people gathered in a field for three days and just lived the moment. The Pig Farmers and others providing food for thousands of strangers, the guy who owned the land(the most unhippy regular middle aged man) fighting for the kids rights to have the festival was so inspiring to me.

I guess more than anything I have always wanted to just be drowned in acceptance. I saw that in the History Channel Program. Those people were touched by the magic of what the universe has to offer when people don't fuck it up with their own ideas.

Interviews with people that were there ran the gammit of those still a bit hippy to professors and community leaders. They all spoke of the event like it was a still unearthly to them.

I want that! I would prefer to find it without all the mud and brown rice but I would jump right in.

Seriously, can you believe I have managed not to become a cult member growing onions in Idaho by now. I can see how it could happen, luckily I am just jaded enough to pass those offers by.

If I didn't believe..................

If nature hadn't taught me that everything has a cycle to run I would be frightened right now. Fearful people are snatching up all the guns and bullets they can because they don't think they will be able to get more. Greed in the business sector has derailed the economy and people who spread nothing but illness are given carte blanche on cable channels to scare the hell out of already terrified people.

BUT, the rain always breaks the drought and life is just set up on a binge and purge cycle. Purging what doesn't strength us and retaining that which makes us stronger. Even the forest fires we see are a part of nature doing its thing by burning off the old so new growth can begin.

If you want something new in your life you have to make room for it by purging the baggage that doesn't serve you anymore. We get so attached to crap, MY crap that we forget that life is flow and baggage is blockage.

I've heard from several great people from my past lately and I say great because they are the rare people I have ran into that just want the best for me. It's hard to find friends without motives. Some want you to do well just not better than them. I think if you have one person in your life that loves you without condition then you have experience the best life has to offer. I have been disappointed for some of my friends but never disappointed in them.

So if I didn't believe their was a cycle to life, to the planet and to being, it would be miserable, if I didn't believe.

Letting it go

Post coming this weekend.

Good day to be a Surface dweller.

Around midnight last night I looked at the clock and figured I had at least four hours before sleep might creep in. I went out to the garage to get a 2liter Diet Coke and I had the thought, why not try to experience the next for hours like it was the last four hours before I left on a space ship, or a long trip.

I felt the pressing Texas night heat on my face and I heard the chirp of the bucks. I noticed the way that the trees and cars were slightly illuminated and I heard dogs barking from every direction in the distance.

I made extra effort to experience the smell, the feel and touch of everything as if it were my first and last time to encounter them.

I've had some great stuff unfolding for me emotionally and spiritually but I haven't deciphered what information is just for me and what might do some good for someone else.

I do want to say that the growing rumble of a Tsunami of Fear in the country doesn't look good. I see a lot of people trying to use it for their own nefarious agendas. "I AM NOT SAFE' is one of the oldest memes or programs I have. I never had anyone purposely use it against me that I know of.

When the market crashed in the 1920's men jumped out of the high rises rather than see what was just being their terror of being broke and shamed. Then on the opposite in of the spectrum when the concentration camps were liberated they found small poems and butterflies caved in some of the walls.

Do I jump or do I try to create or find some beauty in whatever my situation is, bleak or fancy.

Life doesn't change. My perspective may make it appear it does, but life doesn't change.

The earth, the host, the original living thing has been kind that is as put up with our (human) stuff as long as it has. If you have never noticed WE, HUMAN"S of the planet are parasites. The parasites won't stop until it kills its host with it never ending desire to consume.

I planted some Zinnia's a few years ago and the seed was about the size of a piece of paper confetti. It grew, it bloomed, it died. I ran it cycle. It left seeds behind. It fullfilled it's purpose in the scheme of things. It didn't get sidetracked about what color it was or distracted by it's size or shape. It just did what the universe programed it to do and it was spectacular.

Everything I do in my life, makes it harder for me to successfully run my cycle productively. Half my life is over, or more. Physically, my body is way past its peak. But for the next minute, month or decade, I really want to clear the crap away and I want to grow, bloom and die. I want to leave some of my best seeds of creation behind and I want to have been spectacular.

In my darkest times, I hope I have to peace of mind to scratch my own butterfly on a wall and attempt to scratch a hopeful thought.

Don't let the fear rob you of you life.

Clinton

Thank god for dogs and doctors.

Something I've known about for a long time and have tried to work on is it isn't easy for me to feel loved. It is super hard for me to receive. I saw that very clearly today in my mother. No matter how clever the tactic to sneak in under her radar and get her to feel loved or appreciated it runs into a block someone. It makes my chest heavy that she is just as unreachable to me as I am by her.

I hope before I leave the planet I can feel love. I know it's possible because when my dog jumps up into my lap he no reservations that his affection might not be accepted and he is completely at ease walking on top of my chest and trying to smell my mouth to see what I have eaten lately..

As kids we are much more open to that or most are. I wasn't I was already guarded by age 3. I like myself sooo much better than I used to. That is step one in feeling love from others. I'm headed in the right direction I just had to stop and gather thoughts. Thank god for dogs and doctors.

Wow, am I in synch or what.

The very article I blogged about yesterday on O magazine was sent to me in an email today from Oprah.com.

Personal power, finding out you indeed have unlimited untapped amounts of strength and guts is the most awesome discovery I have ever made. Well, that and what an orgasm is. lol

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200909-omag-oprah-power