My simple simple needs for my new 2.0 life

Just for a while I don't want to worry about keeping my car running. I want to live on a bus route, I want only enough space for my bed, tv and computer with ice access and a piece of a kitchen. I want it close to wherever I find work and I don't want to be in such a neighborhood I am frightened to be outside at night. I don't care one whip about have a large space with great furniture and a car with a payment of 5 hundred dollars. I just want to start from scratch and learn to be fully self supporting and I want the life I life to be mine.

Even as simple as those things are above, it completely confuses me on where to start.

Time for change but what first?

It's been a long long day. I'm really not used to feeling this much angst. My mother said something in the car that was not only an attempt of making me feel like a child, is sort of emasculated me too. I almost responded it to it and then i just knew it would only start an argument. No my sister has taken too many ambien and she is flitting about the house like she is on major speed. My ability to meet calamity with serenity is gone. I know there is a way out of this but I can't seem to find the first step toward my adult life. I'm not using over it but I also don't plan on feeling like crap because someone's insanity-not my own. I'm sick to shit of my sister being fucked up , the trip she took was so relaxing for me. lol

I love to get an idea across

My mother has never understand the principle of my using drugs even though it's never gone well. She has a  digestive system that can't tolerate milk or ice cream, but once in a blue moon she's eat/drink some and then is really quite ill. Perhaps once in the last 365 days she has used a dairy product and gotten away with it. 95 percent of the time it will make her sick, she knows it, it isn't new but she does it anyway because the taste is good. Sickness follows and she says never again.

Now I know, lactose intolerance is a stretch comparing it to drug abuse, but the insanity is just the same and I have been looking for a way to help her understand the insanity of thinking she can get by with just a little ice cream is the same way I hope I can use a little dope and get away with it even though history says I won't. Just looking for a bridge to help understand each other. When you speak different languages of understanding ANY bridge that covers some of the gap is a good thing.

More thoughts of working without the net of one of my meds.

This is 2 weeks into my process and feelings are connecting to my head and my spirit. I usually just got the head connection. I honestly think that original the disconnect was a psych  response. My brain new my spirit couldn't take anymore pain, but as my recovery program healed some of that , my multi-year use of Paxil had me in the pharm-apathy that still stopped me from feeling the spirit-mind-feeling process that is one of the best parts of being a human being. Just today I was telling a friend how happy I was that after 17 years of jail and home confinement his freedom is  just days away and I felt my spirit flutter and my eyes get warm. It made me feel connected and alive.
I'm still a big advocate of medicines, I just had done enough healing to take the  safety ropes off . Like I said I have 5 or 6 refills on file and if the darkness returns, I'll be at CVS by lunch time. lol

Intellect over Emotion

I caught a piece of a health documentary and it reminded me of the first real, usual-able, relate-able piece of information I learned at the (first) treatment center I was in. Humans operate, Intelligence over emotions I/E. Addicts operate emotion over intelligence(E/I) and to make things even worse for us, it is DISTORTED emotion. Part of the recovery process is to slowly begin to make decisions of life using not our emotion but our intellect. We strengthen and sharpen our intellect through meetings, literature and for me a lot of independent study that might not appear on the surface to be related to recovery but I manage to find a common thread and re-educate myself with reality and all that is.
The irony of the addict running on distorted emotion is that emotions of all kind freak me ass out because they feel uncontrollable to me, so basically fear and other mutant emotions have driven me to the edge of disaster for 30 years. I wouldn't begin to even say that out loud if I didn't believe one hundred percent that Narcotics Anonymous, it's members who share their experience strength and hope, and my tiny understanding of things spiritual were gonna get me through what ever comes up. Today, I am going to focus on I over E. (I/E) I will make better decisions for my recover that aren't based of self and steeped in fear.

Klinger still makes me laugh and laugh on those old reruns of MASH. I heard this dress was in the Smithsonian.

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When at the end of the road......

If you know me at all you have heard that that two sentence section for Chapter 8 in the Basic Text is the single thing that gave me the power to connect my ass to Narcotics Anonymous and I reach to read it at the beginning of meetings when it is still available to be read. I never knew what I was supposed to be doing as a human being so I pretended and when I couldn't bear pretending I used. When the using didn't give me a break from the hideous understanding that I was an imposter, I imploded on a regular basis, with many hurt in the collateral damage. At the big ass NA meeting they made me go to while at the "Hospital" when I heard "We do Recover" read for the first time, it transformed me from a frightened mess to a determined member of Narcotics Anonymous. The humor in that story more me is I had to wreck my life and take a 128 dollar cab ride to the nuthouse in Shreveport Louisiana to here the same message I could have heard 8 miles from my house. But, IT TAKES WHAT IT GOD DAMN TAKES! I would have taken a cab ride to Libya if I believed a solution could have been found there. I could NOT function "With or Without Drugs" and it told me in detail what to do.3 mi