I'm ready for MORE>

I never thought I would be in the position to tell the universe that I was will to feel, MORE. I wouldn't dream taking the step towards more if I didn't have a group, a program a sponsor and a handful of people I know I can lean on when feeling human becomes too much. I had so much pain, fear and confusion really early in life that I shut down as much as possible then thankfully I discovered a "chemical" peace of mind which actually did help me survive, then that turned on me too. lol I mentioned over the weekend to some recovery folks that I landed with a deafening thud in a psych hospital then to a 12step group saying I don't want any MORE. Now several months later I am fortified by love and hope and I am saying I am ready for more. lol More love, more life and even more of those frightening things called feelings.
But you know, those early pioneers that took off out west full of hope and self assurance, well a lot of them were never heard from again. lol I hope in 10 years you don't stumble on a crudely made headstone that says, "Here lies Clinton Gandy, he unfortunately decided he didn't need an antidepressant after 4 years of taking it". Ha.
I just want to make one thing clear, that I absolutely believe in psych. meds. Some things cannot be addressed with steps, religion or "exercise". Chemical imbalances are 100% real and I have been to a lot of funerals due to the depression the steps couldn't touch for them. I just feel like by staying on a level where the bad stuff doesn't reach me emotionally, neither does the really high of the good stuff. I spoke with my doctor in depth about this yesterday and he said that medication produces an "apathy" in a lot of people and I feel like I fell into that category. I miss being deeply moved and I really miss getting so tickled that my stomach aches.
I know how John Travolta felt in the 70's TV Movie "The Boy In The Plastic Bubble", when he decides life inside that bubble may be safe but it isn't much of a life.
Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias says "I'd rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful that a life time of nothing special."
Now, I realized both those characters die, I totally relate to being willing to pay the price for the good things that come with being human. How much fun is it to laugh at a completely in appropriate time where the more you try to stop the more you laugh.
I'm in line and ready for more. I can't believe I am willingly asking for MORE feelings. Now that is cracking me up.
This is day six of withdrawal an detox, the electric head "zaps" were better yesterday and I look forward to day 9 when all the physical some subsides.

The zaps and the heat flashing are the pits

Paxil Withdrawal symptoms from ONLINE.

If I could impress upon you only one thing, it would be this: The symptoms of paxil withdrawal will end. They can't go on forever. They can't.

You will survive!

* * *

The paxil withdrawal symptoms include (but are not limited to):

• Dizziness, which can be quite extreme at times.
• Shocks, called the 'zaps'; usually starting in the mouth or head, and extending out through the body.
• Sensory sensitivity, especially sounds. Any noise can become a painful experience. Also, being under florescent lights can create discomfort. Touch, motion and even smell can be painful.
• Nausea, very common with paxil withdrawal.

  
  

• Confusion, memory problems, and difficulty with concentration.
• Severe insomnia and/or nightmares, (now there's a winning combination).
• Extreme mood swings, such as intense grief and intense anger. Plan for this in advance!
• Suicidal thoughts. If the urge to kill yourself becomes too strong and the argument becomes too logical, think of those who love you. Think of the thousands of others who have or who will go through a similar agony. Just don't give up!
• Headaches, sometimes quite severe.
• Reduced motor skills, such as difficulty walking or talking.
• Reduced or no appetite.
• Intense fear of losing your sanity.
• Depersonalization, where nothing seems real; it's like you are outside your body.
• Panic attacks, even if you've never had them before.
• Sweating, sometimes profusely.
• Blurred vision.
• Muscle cramps and stomach cramps.
• Diarrhea.
• Chills/hot flashes, part of the 'paxil-flu'.
• Fatigue.
• Painful, swollen eyes or mouth.
• Fainting.
• Hard to swallow.
• Grinding teeth.
• Numbness.
• Itching.
• Trembling.
• Hallucinations.

I'm double dipping with post tonight

My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. If I weren't 4 days into detox from Paxil, I would start back. I want to scream at people then collapse into a weeping pile of silver hair with love. If I can just get sleepy I know i will wake up in a better mood. I just went through my facebook friends list and deleted a lot of them. There are people I like, and have to run in the same recovery circles but I quit trying to like someone just because we recover with the same program. I am open to the real possibility when i become myself again post detox I may feel differently.
Perhaps eating will fill the gap between now and sleep time.

Dammit, WE DO RECOVER IS A PROMISE

It's day four of operation antidepressant reduction. I'm at the point where I really feel the side effects are out weighing the benefits. The meds block me from feeling other things besides the depression. There is a level of laughter that I haven't felt in over a year and I never feel like sex is interesting at all. At just 43 I'm too young to give up on funny sex. lol

I've been experiencing some electric zaps while detoxing from the Paxil and it made me remember that when I STARTED the treatment it made me have the Zaps.

My sister is leaving for Canada tomorrow and not a minute to soon. I think I should be thankful to have a first row seat to the weird , bizzare shit that addicts do when they are using. I know she is on a mix of Xanax, Ambien and Pot these days and sometimes the smoke form of coke, but there is this weird stupor that exist even when the shit has worn off. Last week when I broke the water heater pipe and the washroom was sprayed with water. a big old suitcase was soaked and set out to be thrown away. At some point yesterday she took a knife and removed the outer covering of the suitcase and trimmed it down to the frame and the handle.????????? When mother asked her if she did it and why, all she could come up with this morning was she thought she might need to use the handle to replace another one sometime and she could use the the fake leather big pieces to "cover stuff up" (WTF)
I know I do shit just as bizarre when I use, but to see this lunacy from the side of the non using person is aggravating, frustrating and sad when I let myself remember what it feels like from the inside too.

I'm having to be a loving human with a person I am related to by blood. I'm trying hard to acknowledge my frustration but to remember she is sick like me. IT"S HARD. Did I mention THIS SHIT IS HARD!

This is my life today though. February 28 , the final day of the month and I don't have a choice (B). So I am going to recover REGARDLESS, try to be of service to another and not use. Life, the world and the goodness of the universe are to fantastic to miss, and boy...am I grateful to know that down to the very cellular atomic structures of my physical being. I had my ass sufficiently kicked to get here and today, we don't go backwards. WE DO RECOVER.

How Facebook is setting me free.

I'm 43 and I unfortunately carry around much pain for childhood and growing up in rural East Texas. I lived at such a heightened state of awareness trying to watch out for monsters on the attack, it seems to have burned many more memories in my mind than my friends don't have. I remember all the painful bullying as if it were yesterday. I remember everyone in my classes from growing up. I've been paralyzed with mental illness and substance abuse and they have been frozen in time in my mind.
One by one I have seen their photos on Facebook and seen them talking about having kids and it's so hard to believe this middle aged chunky man was the hot shot quarterback. I've sort of followed the bouncing ball using the "Friends List" and I have found more and more of my torcher'ers now are average looking older men and women and I feel embarrassed that I have given them free space in my head where they don't age. One monster has a photo of him and his two sons. He was handsome in high school but now his outward appearance is that of a very not good looking man. It was as if seeing him, made it a little bit easier in letting it go. It has made it easier for me to let go of the hurt with many old faces. For over 20 years they have lived in my head and their voices have continued to haunt me, tease me, bully me. I doubt they have ever even thought of my name since graduation, but I have brought them with me everywhere I went. I'm letting go. Letting go of feeling powerless against them and feeling frightened of them. Letting go of using their echoes to beat myself into a state of complete depression.
Time has went on and I see that when I try to see their original faces. I'm very thankful Facebook came along because I could have died with these Mean Girls and Boys, in my head.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

Clinton Rolen Gandy All over the planet, there are people just like me who have begun the work of becoming themselves. Completely different circumstances bring us to the same place, the jumping off place. Letting go of the idea of perfection and sinking into the the pleasure of being what we were put here to be. There is such beauty in the fact the apple trees make apples and tomato plants produce tomatoes. Can you image the silliness of one trying to produce the other? I'm big, clever, funny, compassionate, empathetic, philosophic , loving and slightly bent. I like those things and I can't imagine me trading those things to be you today or worse some version of me that exist in someone else's warped fantasy. All I can be is me. A lot of peace came when I accepted that. I also nearly died leading up to the decision. It wasn't a leap of faith so much as a giant foot in the ass shoving me forward.

You know, I was present for a radical shift in thought and perspective. I don't remember exactly where I was but I remember the awe of realizing, OH< I can't take pills. I can't take just one pill, it is impossible for me to take "a few" from a new script and have any left by morning". This new understanding took place while I was in the company of 2 people who were just like me. It was so fantastic to identify with them on such a level of breathing , living comprehension. There was something that looked like a pill under the table in the group room at the hospital and I looked at it and mentioned to my friend Wanda, "You know that looks like a pill underneath the edge of that table. She turned to me and said "It's a piece of paper and I thought the same thing til I finally got up and looked." We understood each other in that moment and it was funny and warm and I knew for the first time, I wasn't alone. I'm an addict , my first response may always be, "cool, a pill" but with a sponsor, some days clean, 12 steps and the amazing freedom to find a power greater than myself, my action regarding that pill is to "pass it by." I'm not confounded or befuddled regarding my addiction. I found A WAY OUT I'm not on the outside looking in to my own life, as a narrator in a movie or play. My favorite sentence in all the literature is "We could no longer live as humans, with or without drugs. When I heard that sentence from the reading "We do Recover" I was changed from a patient attending a mandatory NA meeting to a full fledged willing member of Narcotics Anonymous.

"The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering addict. " I keep thinking about that sentence. It doesn't say it is a viable weapon, or a nice weapon or even a strong weapon. The authors of this book said the recovering addict is my ULTIMATE WEAPON. So, I totally have to get over my fear of people and start bringing more recovering addicts into my recovery. I'm actually better with newcomers mainly because people in recovery have started to have lives again and i always feel like i am keeping them from something. Newcomers have more tt BUT, I am better than I was at it and willing to push through the fear and the stupid obsession with myself. lol If I want clean time with peace in it, I will get over it. It's what the book states.

There aren't many places in the book that are that direct and pointed where they crown a weapon or tool of recovery as "THE ULTIMATE". It gets my attention every time.

"We constantly let go of what has served its purpose, and let our Higher Power guide us through the current phase with what works here and now." BT10



My garage is a great example of not letting go of things that serve me no more. Right now, there is an old computer monitor, an old vacuum, 2 old air filters and an mini fridge that line one wall. None of it can or will be fixed, it take up useful space and frankly that collection of broken crap is an eye sore and a metaphor for my family's life. Afraid of letting go because we might need this broken shit.

The Narcotics Anonymous Ecosystem, It's all good and anyone is welcome. lol
by Clinton Rolen Gandy on Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 7:37am

I caught a nature program on TV and I was struck by the similarities of all these different ecosystems in nature and how they rely on all of the individual parts to perform the task they were born or created to carry out in order for the whole system to survive, and how Narcotics Anonymous was just like the system they spoke about in the rain forest and the wet lands.



The definition of an Ecosystem is....The interacting system of a biological community and its nonliving environment.



I depend on others to do what they know how to do, and I add my skills to the group and together we are a part of a living breathing system that sustains life and offers safety and sanctuary for newcomers until they get well enough to identify and add what they bring to the system. It's ever evolving and at no point can it stop allowing new members because they bring us the energy to exist as a whole. What better way for a power greater than ourselves to assure that we don't become exclusive than by making the ecosystem depend on the influx of new life to help grow and sustain the existing forms already present and we don't consume them we fortify them.



This system relies completely on love, compassion, service, patience , tolerance and forgiveness to feed us all and to keep us fortified for each other and the newcomer.



Something that the program has given me, or allowed me to do as long as I practice it, is to see myself as part of life, living, nature, humanity and the spirit world. I have felt apart from, less than and not good enough all the way back to the first day I came to consciousness. Being apart of the ecosystem of NA gives me both purpose and hope which are the very two things I nearly died from not having.



In the hall, in the love of the fellowship I am safe, loved and needed. I ask you this, how did I get so lucky and when did I win this compassion lottery of spirit. It can exist and thrive without me but I for sure add to its flavor. Without it I don't stand much of a chance other than "Jails, institutions and if I was lucky, death.



Color me grateful!