Wednesday, February 23, 2011

How Facebook is setting me free.

I'm 43 and I unfortunately carry around much pain for childhood and growing up in rural East Texas. I lived at such a heightened state of awareness trying to watch out for monsters on the attack, it seems to have burned many more memories in my mind than my friends don't have. I remember all the painful bullying as if it were yesterday. I remember everyone in my classes from growing up. I've been paralyzed with mental illness and substance abuse and they have been frozen in time in my mind.
One by one I have seen their photos on Facebook and seen them talking about having kids and it's so hard to believe this middle aged chunky man was the hot shot quarterback. I've sort of followed the bouncing ball using the "Friends List" and I have found more and more of my torcher'ers now are average looking older men and women and I feel embarrassed that I have given them free space in my head where they don't age. One monster has a photo of him and his two sons. He was handsome in high school but now his outward appearance is that of a very not good looking man. It was as if seeing him, made it a little bit easier in letting it go. It has made it easier for me to let go of the hurt with many old faces. For over 20 years they have lived in my head and their voices have continued to haunt me, tease me, bully me. I doubt they have ever even thought of my name since graduation, but I have brought them with me everywhere I went. I'm letting go. Letting go of feeling powerless against them and feeling frightened of them. Letting go of using their echoes to beat myself into a state of complete depression.
Time has went on and I see that when I try to see their original faces. I'm very thankful Facebook came along because I could have died with these Mean Girls and Boys, in my head.

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