I never thought I would be in the position to tell the universe that I was will to feel, MORE. I wouldn't dream taking the step towards more if I didn't have a group, a program a sponsor and a handful of people I know I can lean on when feeling human becomes too much. I had so much pain, fear and confusion really early in life that I shut down as much as possible then thankfully I discovered a "chemical" peace of mind which actually did help me survive, then that turned on me too. lol I mentioned over the weekend to some recovery folks that I landed with a deafening thud in a psych hospital then to a 12step group saying I don't want any MORE. Now several months later I am fortified by love and hope and I am saying I am ready for more. lol More love, more life and even more of those frightening things called feelings.
But you know, those early pioneers that took off out west full of hope and self assurance, well a lot of them were never heard from again. lol I hope in 10 years you don't stumble on a crudely made headstone that says, "Here lies Clinton Gandy, he unfortunately decided he didn't need an antidepressant after 4 years of taking it". Ha.
I just want to make one thing clear, that I absolutely believe in psych. meds. Some things cannot be addressed with steps, religion or "exercise". Chemical imbalances are 100% real and I have been to a lot of funerals due to the depression the steps couldn't touch for them. I just feel like by staying on a level where the bad stuff doesn't reach me emotionally, neither does the really high of the good stuff. I spoke with my doctor in depth about this yesterday and he said that medication produces an "apathy" in a lot of people and I feel like I fell into that category. I miss being deeply moved and I really miss getting so tickled that my stomach aches.
I know how John Travolta felt in the 70's TV Movie "The Boy In The Plastic Bubble", when he decides life inside that bubble may be safe but it isn't much of a life.
Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias says "I'd rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful that a life time of nothing special."
Now, I realized both those characters die, I totally relate to being willing to pay the price for the good things that come with being human. How much fun is it to laugh at a completely in appropriate time where the more you try to stop the more you laugh.
I'm in line and ready for more. I can't believe I am willingly asking for MORE feelings. Now that is cracking me up.
This is day six of withdrawal an detox, the electric head "zaps" were better yesterday and I look forward to day 9 when all the physical some subsides.