You know that warm rush of compassion and love you get when you watch a baby learning to walk and it falls and gets up. Do you know the swelling of connectedness I feel when I look into the soulful eyes of the dog I adopted. When you see an expression on an athletes face on tv who has just done what he had always dream of doing, the feeling of identification, love, compassion , empathy and recognition and you are moved deeply?

Yesterday I got in the car and the rear view mirror was adjusted to the wrong angle. The only the that appeared in it was car interior and my right eye. I started to reach to adjust it when something caught my attention. I realized it looked like I had my first real line forming underneath my eye. As I looked at it I was swept with the feelings of pride and compassion. Gratitude came out of no where I knew I earned that line. It was a better than a Scout Badge for selling cookies because the birth of this crease in my face was earned by managing to fucking survive when my contemporaries had all mostly perished before they became willing to change. I had nothing but deep deep love, respect and compassion for the person behind that brown eyeball and for a moment I fully realized that not only loving and forgiving my self was possible, it had begun. That is very exciting to this addict who is last usually to notice the change in myself.

The steps and meetings allow me to use living in the moment to actively monitor what is going on in my brain and what I am thinking/doing/feeling. The now is the only time I can actively choose to do something different,,,,it has to being happening "now" for me to have a choice in doing something different. Great post Kyle! It's something I try to have a living consciousness about. Fear can really only exist when I project into the future. The now is like the the calm of the see in the center of the storm.

Identification. Attraction rather than promotion.... The only time in my entire life I was OVERTLY hit on, turned out to be someone wanting to be sale AMWAY under their management. I heard a birthday Celebrant last night mention the only sentence in the literature he wants removed is the sentence about "We only have ONE Promise" . He went on to list many many "unconfirmed" promises that mean a lot to him. This mornings Just For Today is that very sentence he had a problem with. I guess it's really splitting hairs by even discussing what is a promise and what isn't but as I read the reflection I was made thankful that I wasn't bombarded with a list of "promises" of what my life would transform into when I came back to the 12 steps in earnest. I need things as simple as possible and I think the promise of Freedom From Active Addiction was all I could wrap my brain around. Any other "promises or non-promises are just icing on a really really tasty cake".
I"M really really thankful I didn't get met with the "Amway" "Up with the People" sales pitch when I came home to NA.
_________________________
Just for Today One Promise, Many Gifts

" Narcotics Anonymous offers only one promise, and that is freedom from active addiction..."
Basic Text, p. 102


Imagine how it might be if we had arrived at the doors of Narcotics Anonymous, desperate, wanting to stop using drugs, only to be met by a sales pitch: "If you just work the steps and don't use drugs, you'll get married, live in the suburbs, have 2.6 children, and start wearing polyester. You will become a responsible, productive member of society and be fit company for kings and presidents. You will be rich and have a dynamic career." Most of us, greeted with such a heavy-handed spiel, would have shrieked and bolted for the door.
Instead of high-pressure nonsense and frightening predictions, we are greeted with a promise of hope: freedom from active addiction. We feel a blessed relief come over us when we hear that we never have to use drugs again. We aren't going to be forced to become anything!
Of course, after some time in recovery, good things start happening in our lives. We are given gifts-spiritual gifts, material gifts, gifts that we've always dreamed of but never dared hope we'd get. These, however, are truly gifts-they are not promised to us just because we become NA members. All we are promised is freedom from addiction-and it's more than enough!

Just for today: I have been promised freedom from active addiction. The gifts I receive are the benefits of recovery

I just saw a photograph on the net and it was pretty gruesome, but it made me see once again, that I have so far, always been protected by an invisible velvet rope that kept me back from going as low as I was willing to go. I kept lowering the bar of what was acceptable by me. I absolutely was willing to to to the final dark place and hopefully never return. I was held up by whatever force there is in the universe from the bottom I was headed for, secretly wished for. I was spared, so far. I'm well aware that the dark end I stalked, is just a pill, a drink or a hit away.

When I landed on the photo with a person displayed in the LEAST sexiest way, I remembered how I wanted someone or something to validate that I was worthless. When you mix addiction and non existent self esteem, you get a line forming to the left of people who will be more than happy to eviscerate your waning spirit. In the AA program they mention INCOMPREHENSIBLE DEMORALIZATION and I get that totally totally, on a cellular basis.

In NA, relief is quick but recovery is methodical, steady and above all else, "god damn Daily".

I can't be anything but grateful when I take stock or an inventory of my health and surrounds, because I certainly put it all on the line in my addiction but so far I haven't given or lost anything that I need anymore or can't replace. I am really thankful for internal organs that work and the fact I don't have to drive to a dialysis clinic several times a week to get "Cleansed".

Years ago I knew a girl in recovery at the Lambda group in Dallas. She relapsed and tried to kill herself and shot her leg off at the knee by accident. When she gets to the point in telling her story where that comes up, she remarks, "I shot my leg off trying to kill myself and I STILL ended up having to get sober, only now, I only need to put on one shoe to go to a meeting".

What a sweet surprise.

You know that warm rush of compassion and love you get when you watch a baby learning to walk and it falls and gets up. Do you know the swelling of connectedness I feel when I look into the soulful eyes of the dog I adopted. When you see an expression on an athletes face on tv who has just done what he had always dream of doing, the feeling of identification, love, compassion , empathy and recognition.

Yesterday I got in the car and the rear view mirror was adjusted to the wrong angle. The only the that appeared in it was car interior and my right eye. I started to reach to adjust it when something caught my attention. I realized it looked like I had my first real line forming underneath my eye. As I looked at it I was swept with the feelings of pride and compassion. Gratitude came out of no where I knew I earned that line. I had nothing but love, respect and compassion for the person behind that brown eyeball and for a moment I fully realized that not only loving and forgiving my self was possible, it had begun.

Just For Today Meditation and my response

Living In The Moment

"We regretted the past, dreaded the future, and weren't too thrilled about the present." Basic Text, p. 7

Until we experience the healing that happens when we work the Twelve Steps, it is doubtful that we can find a statement more true than the quote above. Most of us come to NA hanging our heads in shame, thinking about the past and wishing we could go back and change it. Our fantasies and expectations about the future may be so extreme that, on our first date with someone, we find ourselves wondering which lawyer we'll use for the divorce. Almost every experience causes us to remember something from the past or begin projecting into the future.

At first, it's difficult to stay in the moment. It seems as though our minds won't stop. We have a hard time just enjoying ourselves. Each time we realize that our thoughts are not focused on what's happening right now, we can pray and ask a loving God to help us get out of ourselves. If we regret the past, we make amends by living differently today; if we dread the future, we work on living responsibly today.

I've done a lot , a LOT of studying about the "Moment' even in addiction I was reading and talking with some very spiritual people. What I have found for me, is, the reason the moment is so important is because it is the only place where we can instigate change. The steps, the program, the friendships all allow me to monitor the chatter and misdirection in my head and act on it accordingly. It brings me PRESENCE of mind. I am present in my mind. I can see old behavior patterns trying to cycle, I can see that this tiny thing I am about to rage at, isn't what I am mad about at all. In recovery my thoughts MUST be monitored by me. I have to catch it in the act to correct it.

I tell myself things when I think I am not listening, recovery helps me listen to what pain, hurt, anger or disease is telling me and it lets me detect, direct it or deflect it. The moment also is the only place that I may experience joy, beauty and love. Sometimes someone's touch or hug can bring me back into my body and my moment.

Every single morning I get a diet Coke, a smoke and turn my computer on. I go to NA.Org and I scan the literature chapter list or the IP list and I click on something I am directed to. I read and smoke and drink my Diet Coke until something I read connects me to myself again. The process of remembering who I am in the program of NA puts me directly in the center of my moment. That sets me up in the only spot that I can feel, love, learn, correct behavior patterns and my favorite , see beauty. I spent my life running from the moment because that was where the pain lived. Now I know it is where my capacity to love, forgive and change is-in the moment.

I've read a very book on NOW and if anyone wants to check it out just email. It's isn't NA literature but it has certainly enabled me to let go of old ideas and guide me to the place I am teachable.......

Have a great weekend everyone. I just bought a new fridge online. LOL How glad am I that I live in the internet millennium and that Home Depot Delivers.

We may be loved tomorrow but we can only feel it right now.

Clinton

Wow, huge huge understand shift tonight at meeting.

The topic was respect. I shared that it is one of those things that when I give you respect , I in turn gain self respect and that it was one of the many many paradoxes of the program, the more I love you , the more I love myself. The more I understand you the more I understand myself.

I commented that since these paradoxes were so plentiful in recovery it shows me the we are all way more closely connected than we think. Then just as I finished sharing the shift occurred. There is no separation between us. We are fucking ONE. That is why the jail I plan for you would be the jail that I myself rotted in. Loving you IS loving myself. What fucking trip.

The day that you put in the work for.

Maybe it was the sunshine that finally came out and illuminated the world that began reappearing as the day grew on , or maybe it was the meeting I got to make at lunch yesterday. I am in full peace mode and it is ridiculously sublime. I got in two meetings yesterday and I had an early and extended meal with 3 of the men I am just crazy about. There all three professionals with much longer clean time and they totally let me play their reindeer games. I spoke once and I realized that all three had their eyes on me and they all 3 gave me their attention. It was thrilling, because I was raised with a dad who said "Children are to be seen and not heard'. So to hold the attention of these professional, smart men made me feel like I might actually be someone and that I had thoughts and things of value to share"

One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other’s stories.

— Rebecca Falls

I slept great and I went to the grocery store and sort of floated through the isles taking in the colors and checking out new products. I saw a couple from my 12 step group and they were just miserable. The lady had no light in her eyes and she looked like a corpse. Like she forgot she was alive. It just made me all the more grateful for the string of peaceful moments I've strung together.

Why so desperate to Label?

As much talk as made about being yourself and being and individual every time I turn around someone is offering me up another label to slip on. Like a girl scout that can't resist a good merit badge for herself, we just keep labeling ourselves.

I don't believe in the same understanding of god that my cohorts do, yet I am NOT an atheist and I am not agnostic. Frankly and thankfully there isn't a word for my understanding. I know someone who is neither gay nor straight but wouldn't say she was bisexual either. We like to find our niches and others love to know what cubby in the shadow box to place us.

In Longview you are either a Lobo or the other one. Democrat, Rebublican, Libertarian seriously why would anyone want to claim one of those labels they are all pretty vile most of the time.

Good or bad. Things can exist and stand alone just fine without calling them good or bad because with our very short term vision, we don't know ultimately if the "good" with turn on us and the "bad" eventually save our asses.

I'm in a program that is about opening me up to an existance that is larger than labels. We in the program are in perpetual change and evolution. Something you might say I am or even I might think I am, may only be near the truth for a moment before I evolve.

Forest fires started by lightening look bad, but nature needs them to cleanse and start over. So they are neither bad or good. A young guy overdoses, goes to the ER, and is shipped off to a psych hospital. He get's introduced to a program that revolutionizes his way of life and he helps others do the same.

I am just going to practice the art , the fine art of "JUST BEING", no labels or judgement. Just for today and see what happens. I am neither a tragedy or a triumph, I am just a rather enigmatic fellow trying real hard to feel worthy of the breath I snatch and also tries real hard to be a positive impact on others.

I do see others who are able to get behind a label and work with it. They tap into an identity by being a part of something bigger than them. Remember when Saturn Cars had the Saturn Club for members to talk about how the "LUV their Saturns"? What I have found out me myself is , it is more important for my soul or spirit to identify that you to.

I would like to say the other way certainly looks easier from where I stand, but it never worked for me. I've never met a label that satisfied me for longer than a minute.

If Chanel or Prada or Ralph Lauren labels could change you and make you happy, we wouldn't have the number of Lindsay Lohans and Charlie Sheen's publicly spirally into madness.

I've even seen people in twelve steps programs get lost in the label of alcoholic or addict to the point they never really tried to live a big life outside the rooms.

Labels are deadly for me. If it fits, I slack off , if it hurts, I want to medicate the pain. BEING is freer and BEING is easier. Fuck the labels.

The greatest thing to happen when we want something so bad...

My all time favorite moment on tv was in 1999 when on her 19th nomination Susan Lucci won her first Emmy. For 18 years the swell of support for her grew and grew and her losing streak was legendary and widely talked about even by non-soap people. But at her 19th try when Shemar Moore announced "The Streak is over Susan Lucci". It suddenly was about much more than a trophy, the audience turned into screaming, weeping energy producers. People like me at home suddenly felt the overwhelming rush of emotion like we had just heard our name called out. She even mentions in her 5 minute acceptance speech that she was glad she didn't win because she would have had all the consolation cards and cakes her kids made her to feel better.

I just watched the U.S. Nation Men's Figure Skating finals where a great young guy who I have rooted for for 11 years, get past injury and self doubt, the changing of the sport to put it all together in a meet that he almost retired after last year. It was just thrilling and I felt like I had just won when he became the 2011 US. Men's Figure Skating Champion Ryan Bradley.

When you make Nestle Toll House Cookies, the recipe calls for like a quarter teaspoon of salt. Well, that is insane because you wouldn't put salt a sweet cookie. Preposterous! But the salt, makes the sweet and the chocolate even more delicious.

Time is the salt in my cookie recipe. Some things gain their most importance when you didn't get it right away. I know that I have been in/around 12 step programs for over 18 years and my recovery is very much sweeter because it has taken this long. And I have many people who are invested in my recovery because they have seen me flounder but they know I have to get this on my time, but your terms.

Maybe the next time I don't get the thing or result I want, I can recall this entry to my blog. If I don't, someone please remind me. The same thing that makes antiques valuable can make moments in life more valuable too.