Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I just saw a photograph on the net and it was pretty gruesome, but it made me see once again, that I have so far, always been protected by an invisible velvet rope that kept me back from going as low as I was willing to go. I kept lowering the bar of what was acceptable by me. I absolutely was willing to to to the final dark place and hopefully never return. I was held up by whatever force there is in the universe from the bottom I was headed for, secretly wished for. I was spared, so far. I'm well aware that the dark end I stalked, is just a pill, a drink or a hit away.

When I landed on the photo with a person displayed in the LEAST sexiest way, I remembered how I wanted someone or something to validate that I was worthless. When you mix addiction and non existent self esteem, you get a line forming to the left of people who will be more than happy to eviscerate your waning spirit. In the AA program they mention INCOMPREHENSIBLE DEMORALIZATION and I get that totally totally, on a cellular basis.

In NA, relief is quick but recovery is methodical, steady and above all else, "god damn Daily".

I can't be anything but grateful when I take stock or an inventory of my health and surrounds, because I certainly put it all on the line in my addiction but so far I haven't given or lost anything that I need anymore or can't replace. I am really thankful for internal organs that work and the fact I don't have to drive to a dialysis clinic several times a week to get "Cleansed".

Years ago I knew a girl in recovery at the Lambda group in Dallas. She relapsed and tried to kill herself and shot her leg off at the knee by accident. When she gets to the point in telling her story where that comes up, she remarks, "I shot my leg off trying to kill myself and I STILL ended up having to get sober, only now, I only need to put on one shoe to go to a meeting".

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