a new done and another chance.

It's morning, not too early. I woke up this a.m. and I had the idea that a whole new day lay ahead of me and with it brought opportunities for me to do stuff differently. Yesterday was uncomfortable tto me regarding my weight and I have a chance to start eating less today, because I woke up in awareness of it.

All my life I have felt like nobody saw the real me, and right now because of using food as a sub for anxiety medication, hell even I can barely recognize the real me.

It's time. It's time for me to start living the life I haven't even allowed my self to hope was possible. I have hope and belief that it really is in the realm of possibility, I just need to bring it fully into myself and do it it.

It has almost been two months since I had any sort of pill for pain or anxiety. There aren't many illnesses where you have to treat so many symptoms before you can attack the illness.

I'm a little crazed.

For the first time in almost two months I had a really fitful night of sleep. It was fall asleep for five minutes, jerk awake, look at the clock, flip and flip and repeat and repeat. I didn't get to go to the noon meeting yesterday or today because of the pouring rain and it really takes a toll on my mood when I miss a day, let alone two. I had just started getting ready for the 8pm meeting when my sister called from the car on her way back from a business trip letting me know I needed to take her truck to her work out in BFE and that messed up the 8 oclock plan of mine.

Some days I fill like I am just 2 inches of to the left of center and I just can't get back in the groove. I hate that feeling. All week long I've been medicating something with peanut M&M's. Seriously, I think I ate 7 pounds of them if a family size bag is a pound. That embarassed me so bad when I just saw that in print that I almost deleted it. But I hope there is no shame in telling the truth. I can't absorb any more pain or shame. lol Once a sponge absorbs is capacity it's useless. I don't want to be useless.

thankful

I spent an hour on the phone with some one like me. Suddenly any shame I had about relapsing on drugs while sober from alcohol was the bridge I needed to get me out of myself and there in the moment for a really cool person. Real experience beats theory IMO every time. Truth is what makes me strong. The truth about myself, the fear and the funny, the beauty and the scar.

It's 11pm, I've done my family duties and I am kind of lonely now.

I spent the day "showing" up for my family. Driving one person here and another one there. It was 97 degrees and I got in tonight to late to go to a meeting. I am sort of lonesome at the moment. It probably is magnifying the tiredness. I'm in a good spot, nothing is wrong just a little blue. I have the opportunity to make many meetings this week and I hope my clarity continues to increase with each one. I really do have a lot of hope that I can have a life that is better than I ever imagined for myself. Just focus on the moment I'm living in and let the rest take care of the rest.

My life as a living prayer

Today at the noon meeting the topic of Prayer and meditation. Mediation have no problems with but just the word "prayer" brings up all sorts of negative religious notions. A guy in the meeting said he tries to live his life as a prayer by being of service and compassionate to the people he comes in contact with.

I really grooved on that. I can call me living compassionately a prayer without getting freaked out about the word. I remember when I was small we had a little open wooden book on the tv that had the lords prayer on it. I couldn't understand how one prayer written by someone that long ago would work for me , here and now. Why would I want to communicate with a higher power with someone elses words?

We all want to be heard

We all want to have our humanity acknowledged – to have others see us for who we truly are. We all want to know that we are valued, we are heard, we are understood. The best thing you can ever do is sit across from someone and utter two little words: "Tell me."..Nate Burkus

That certainly speaks to me on all levels. I do want to be acknowledged and to know that someone values my role in humanity. I've had a lot of people respond to their perceptions of the image they see of me but not what's behind it.

So, not only do I want to feel like a human, I want someone to see me being one. lol

trying to get back in the swing of things

It is harder than I would think to get active in life again. Make appointments with friends, stopping by the mall to see where a new friend works. One thing is my car is a rolling piece of possible disaster, the other is the fact I live in a different town than everyone one else. My friend Hill lives in the same town as me though and I can't seem to make it over there either. Coming back to live is a slower process than I thought it would be. I keep trying and eventually I will make some progress. I love the old saying "slow and steady wins the race". It gives me permission to take my time.

I'm tired

Participating in life and in recovery is really tiring when your used to being inactive and sloth-y. I'll try to get here tomorrow with more words.

The Promise of Next.

I shared briefly the other day about my compulsion to periodically rid myself of things. My clothes have been pared down to the minimum and my actual "things" could fit in a trunk. I have always felt sort of embarrassed that things didn't mean to much to me but now I think I am glad. I am not a slave to things and I don't love anything that doesn't have the capability of loving me back.

Heterosexual men, that I have know are caught up in things. Having things, getting the next thing completely describes my dad. He loves the wrong things. That is sad and it makes me sad that he isn't able to make a real connection with my sister or me. It seems like such a waste. I hope I don't make the same choices he made, I hope I don't suddenly find "things" so important.

More than anything I want to have a heart that is reached and reaches people as honestly and real as possible and not bedazzled by the promise of next, bigger, newer.

The flow.

I am going to name my Higher Power , FLOW. The flow of the earth, nature and the universe is my HP. The way the rivers travel to the sea, the way a seed burst out of the soil to become a fruit and even the spinning of the earth. There is a flow, when I remove myself from it, I feel pain and I try everything to ease the pain. Luckily I have made it back into the flow.