Stronger than I thought for sure

I saw an article title on the New Oprah Magazine at the checkout and it said "You are stronger than you think". As I was checking out was like yeah, I know I am. With the help of paid professionals I went through my life and figured out I am definately a survivor. I was raised up with the belief that some huge catastrophe, somethin hideous and gigantic was coming and when it happened complete devastion and then I would be eliminated. Sort of a horrific Kodak moment.

If it were true that humans folded into a useless blobs when the "worst thing imaginageable" happens, we would have to turn a land space the size of Europe to drop the idiots off to let the finish withering away. Kind of like Australia was in it's beginning when England sent their troublesome people there.

lol

Check in

I watched some people on TV last week crushed because they had lost they place in the class system in the U.S. I thought it was ridiculous. It hadn't crossed my mind since grade school as to what class I was. Poor people don't worry about those things. For me it is way more important to have a clear sense of myself as myself then try to filter it through the financial group I belong to. I'm not a big "thing" person. as long as my very basics are met I'm good to go. I am very very thankful for my lack of desire for things and toys. Of all the things that try to get me down "What class am I" isn't one of them.

I am just happy to be an invited guest at the party.

I would like to add this to the previous post regarding fear

I don't have kids, and I would never pretend to understand the level and depth on fear and concern where your kids envolved. But I do think when you feed your fears, they get bigger and they draw in what your most frightened of.

I loved the story of the man in ancient times, in the market place where he was told that death was coming for him this day. He took off running and ran from town all day till he collapsed on a mountain top. Just as he raised up from collapsing the realized death was standing in front of him on this mountain miles from the old mans home.

"how", how did you find me here".

Death said ," Well when I was told where I was going to have to meet you and take you I wondered how you would ever find your way here."

So many times we run toward what we are most afraid of thinking we are running from it.

That is priceless.

Breathing Possibility.

I had a brief encounter via email with an old friend who I think is pretty fantastic. She had sent me some of those forwarded emails from some fearful people and I wrote back they weren't really my thing because I don't live in fear and I don't generate it like I used to. I also shared that saying about whatever you focus on expands. I am so glad that I have that down for the moment. Because thought is energy when you obsess on a thought or a fear, your feeding it real live measurable energy.

I also got to tell her that I didn't worry about Medicare/Medicaid going away because I am a survivor and I'll get me needs met when and if the time comes for me to have to do that. It's fun in a way because since I am not there yet, neither are the tools to help me. We sort of get there at the same time.

I bought a really small Tolle book today at a discount store. I hope to read it this week like I would take a round of antibiotics to get rid of any diseased thought bacteria I am not aware of in this moment.

I was cracking up on a song Bette sings in Bathhouse Bettie called "I'm beautiful" which she repeats and repeats and ends with DAMMIT. I'm beautiful dammit. I am.

In the world of hunting for partners/lovers or just sex, you get the feeling that the world is filled with nothing but supermodels looking for supermodels. At the store when it was so jam packed at the registers, I mentioned how sad and tired people looked.

They also looked terribly normal and not a supermodel in the bunch. Same thing at Walmart today. It was so freaking fantastic to stand will or mill about and know that comfort comes in size Average.

I read the craigslist and another dating sight and I almost started to believe that because I couldn't win an amateur tighty whitey contest that finding a partner for anything was not going to happen. The thing I came away with today is, god bless those singles who are looking only for low BMI's and killer abs/guns. There aren't enough of those to go around. lol

I never thought I would be ok with my looks and my body but I am pretty damn close. I'm Beautiful dammit.

Touching base with like minded people really inspires me.

I've gotten to have a chat with a friend who never fails to inspire be to really dig in and and use the information I've gathered to have a better moment. I feel the possibilities today. I have been extremely creative over the last two days and that always makes me feel good to know that I am generating that energy that flows from me to the planet. I'm very clear on that today and I am making plans to be more creative. I have met one or two new people that I am extremely interested in seeing if we have the stuff to build a real friendship.

The term "hope" has never really rang my bell. It seemed like pinning yourself to a Disney version of a fairy, like Tinkerbell. Possibility is way more than hope because I can see how something could actually come together. Being mentally and spirituality ready to pounce when possibility presents itself if such a better way of living for me. One big thing for me is to remember when I get to the point I can see things aren't going to work out the way I saw them in my mind, to cut my loses and move on with without visiting the Wailing Wall.

Life seems to me at the moment a string of experiences that the goal in each one is to find peace with them and be ready to move on to the next one. The universal flow of live is constant, things are always moving, constant entrances and exits. It isn't pleasant when I start trying to direct the flow because I lack the power. I am 42, I expect to have 25 or 30 years on the planet more. I think in order to truly honor the fact that I am here, alive, I need to focus on what experiences I want to have in my time left. This life well, its very personal. I think of people in my east Texas living area who have never seen the ocean. We live 6 or 7 hours from the beach at Galveston and yet they have never bothered to take a drive. I don't want to be a person who chooses not to experience something that is easily attainable simply because I didn't put forth the effort.

I learned growing up that I had no personal power or choice and I was submissive in all choices that affected me. Making a decision based solely on what I feel moved to do is so foreign but I am doing it daily. When my exit comes I don't won't the regret of I didn't do it the way I wanted to.

I made the online purchase of Virus of The Mind dealing with Memes and how they wreck our lives. So look for info from the book popping up here if any of it rings true to my life.

How I got this way

I was doing some laundry earlier today and it triggered one of those full body flashbacks that if termed a memory, is sadly understated. I was folding a towel and I was 6 years old again. Hoping to surprise my mother I folded the basket full of towels. Instead of the response I was hoping for she said I folded them wrong. I was really disappointed. The same thing happened when I tried to do dishes. Instead of acknowledging what I had tried to do for her, she washed them again herself. Without saying the words "your not capable", i was imprinted with my house keeping and activities of daily living were not good enough. I was sub-par and flawed. I never do dishes at her house because she will wash them again anyway.

Her eye goes to the flaw, the fly in the ointment automatically. I responded to that critical eye with sort of giving up. Soon that "I am not good enough" filtered in to most every part of my life. I have only been in real love once, and that was very early in my 20's. I have all these walls built up in my head that want to me believe and stay unlovable because I am so flawed.

It is a meme, or several stacked on top of each other.

Would I be a different person in a different place, probably not. Would it be easier to push past the border if I weren't around the people that prefer me broken and submissive, yes.

I have told several family members I am "this" close to moving in with the street people because I am so frustrated me trying to change and family not. I don't know if they thought I was serious or not but I am. I saw a friend show up to group one night in Dallas with his suitcase. He couldn't take his partner any more and he said, I will live on the street before I spend another night with you.


I understand now.

I haven't had the experience of euphoria in a long time. That "God, I am so happy to be alive in this moment" I've tried to manufacture it if various ways but no avail.

I'm bored, frustrated and needing a jolt of life at the moment. This too shall pass. Meanwhile I'll be eating and acting as if.

Showing up

I saw a quote by the Julie of "Julie and Julia" and she said the Julia child presented her with unknown doors of possibility. What a great thing to say about someone. I forget how much I love possibilities because my head wants to say, "oh, you have seen this before and this is how it will turn out." I don't use the word miracles much because it is so steeped in religious crap but I have noticed that people who experience one, are looking for it.

I've been sort of half living lately and I am stuck in between wanting different and not figuring out the first step to make it happen. I am going to alaska to see the lights and the dark. I don't expect to be anyone else once I get there, I just want to experience those natural phenoms in more than a tourist way.

I walked past a mirror today and my arm and my elbow caught my attemtion. It was was on of those "YOU R HERE", moments because I actually looked at my arm and thought this is your arm. I've often wondered if I was shown a picture of peoples backs would I reckognize mine. If the hair was covered I 'm not so sure I would recognize myself. I want to be more connected and that begins by paying more attention to my being.

I know some people don't have this "significance" to self and they do great. Sometimes I wish I was one of the folks who don't look for the meaning beneath the chaos, then I think, Jesus Christ that person is boring.

How a civilation treats it's sick and needy defines the Civilation's right to exist on the planet of life

I hope the dumbasses that voted for this dumbass feel the pain they have inflicted on others, either in this life or the existence beyond.
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With Line-Item Vetoes, Schwarzenegger Wipes Out CA AIDS Services
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a revised budget in the amount of $85 million after "additional cuts to child welfare programs, health care for the poor and AIDS prevention efforts."
Rex Wockner says the Governator "decimated" AIDS services. He explains:
"Although the cuts curtailed state funding for HIV-related education (an 80% cut), prevention (80% cut), counseling (70% cut), testing (70%), primary medical care (50%), home care (50%) and housing (20%), one cut stood out in particular: the termination of all funding for the Office of AIDS' Therapeutic Monitoring Program. For some 35,000 working- and middle-class Californians whose HIV care is paid for by the state, that program pays for viral-load testing and drug-resistance testing. Viral-load testing is mandatory in HIV care, as it is the only way to determine if a particular HIV drug cocktail is working in a given patient. Drug-resistance testing comes into play when a drug cocktail that had been working stops working in a given patient. The two types of testing together guide a doctor in getting a patient on a new drug cocktail so the patient's viral load again becomes undetectable. Patients whose viral load is undetectable are very unlikely to develop deadly HIV-related opportunistic infections, and they are dramatically less infectious than those whose virus is not suppressed."

Learning to live again after dying.

From the time I was 15 or 16 until six years ago I was a singer, a country singer. One day I went to rehearsal with a band I was singing with and the rehearsal leader told me I could perform so many slow songs. Truth is I am a balladeer. I only learned 3 or 4 up tempo songs in my 20 year career. They don't have any emotion punch to them. So I left rehearsal and never sang again.

Partly because I was burnt out but mainly because the kind of music I felt like singing did not fit into the available venues. Plus being a gay man in the country western genre was hard. I put on this character that I felt they could get into and tried to be someone I wasn't singing songs I could feel connected too and getting through the God aweful uptempo songs I had to do to play their reindeer games.

A dear friend has politely pressured me to sing again for my friends and families enjoyment. I agreed and next tuesday I will make noise into a microphone for the first time in years. This time I am just going to be me singing songs that move me. I am also going to the recording studio sometime soon and record myself singing the songs I've always been moved to sing. I love old cabaret standards like "Moonlight in Vermont" and "That's all" and I may even do my tribute to some Broadway ballads and show stoppers.

I wish I had the self esteem and enlightment to do it before. But you know, sometimes things just take a while to get ripe.

Simply making the decision to do it made me feel freedom from old ideas, in this one istance I know that what I think about me is more important than what others think about me. I was so many things to so many people I walked around expecting to be called out an imposter at any moment. It is a miserable way not to live a life. I guess I really felt that I was so inherently wrong I need to hide behind a character I thought would be more likeable than my own.

I am very exciting I got to this point and I will let you know how it all turns out.

Figuring this out on with no manual

I just figured out something that everyone else may already no, but it is amazing to me. When a person makes a decision based on their intuition, it suddenly takes results or outcome out of the picture. When a person is ok with their decision, if it doesn't work out ideally there is little to no regret.

I have always been paralyzed when faced with making a decision because I was certain I would be devastated when the remorse or regret came.

This is applicable in every area of my life at the moment. I didn't know it was possible to be this ok with choosing to roll the dice and let what ever happens happen. I feel very empowered by this phenomenon.