Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I tried religion repeatedly and it failed to do for me what I needed it to. You either believe our literature or not. We read every meeting that religion, psychiatrist and medicine won't work. I exhausted all three. The day my psych doctor looked at me and said "Clinton, there isn't a pill on the planet that is going to do for you what you want it to do. The best I can do is get you on level ground enough that if you want to get better you are going to have to do the work". He may have told me that before, but that one particular day was the day I "HEARD" it. I believed him and I have never went to a doctor after having heard of a new depression medication on a tv commercial since. I treat my psych issues methodically but the struggle I have with hope, reason to be here, and purpose are things I personally have to address everyday with methods from NA, AA and string of spiritual practices. None of my problems are magically prayed away. I cannot denounce any of destructive behavior patterns, selfishness, self-centeredness, resentment or cowardice as the work of some mystical evil force. It isn't the boogie man, the devil or satan. I am my own destructive force. I am the only thing that can cut me off from the sunlight of spirit. It would be great if I could shift focus from my defective character and claim an evil force made me steal, take drugs or hurt people, but by saying that I take no responsibility for myself-my actions. The whole nugget of recovery is shifting blame off others, our family, magical spirits and placing it where it belongs- On our diseased thinking and self centered actions. Today I am responsible. I'm responsible for my choices and my actions. I'm responsible for my INTENTION. I'm convinced the reason I flailed about in and out of recovery for 17 years is I kept trying to go to the "default" God of as it was understood FOR me. It wasn't until the slate was cleaned off and I began to put together truly my own understanding of a high power that my life began to take flight. I started pathing a stoned pathway to a loving spirit, my own direct river to the sea. I"m certain that the reason AA then NA have stuck around for decade after decade is the fact it urges you go come up with your own HP AS U UNDERSTAND HIM. All those programs that have hijacked the steps that conveniently leave "AS YOU UNDERSTAND HIM" off will fail for most people in the south because we were told some FUCKED UP CRAP about the creator of all things. Front loaded with boobie traps and land mines , judgmental and punishing, it's hard for us folks in the south that don't drink the Koolaid and nod with the Pat Robertsons and Robert Tiltons of the world. Most religions close people off, put themselves behind walls , draw battle lines of "us and them". Spirituality opens you up , it connects you to everything , it removes walls and erases battle lines. Why anyone would want to put anything as powerful and meaningful as a connection to all things bigger than you in a tiny box and guard it like it could be taken from you is beyond me. I find the more I give this hope and love away, the bigger the return. My understanding constantly evolves and grows and not many days go by that I don't hear something or see something that deepens my gratitude and fuels even more wonder about this Wonderful World and My Connection to it. When it's my time to leave here I hope for two things. First, I hope that I fight like hell for just one more day, one more hour , one more breath and two, that I leave this place a little bit better, a little bit prettier and a little more filled with love, simply because I added that to it. My days of taking for the sake of taking are done, as long as I stay plugged in. The secret of life as I know it is to be thankful for what you have and you get more to be grateful for. Oh, and that the universe rewards effort, it will rise up to meet you when it sees you a trying, and sometimes it uses people to reach out and meet you in your efforts too. God works for us and through us. Don't let anyone tell you who God is or isn't. When someone claims they speak for "God", I back away pretty quickly. When I want to know about "God", I watch animals, I watch the miracle of a seed grow into a tree, or bright pink and green Caladium leaves appear straight out of the dirt from a bulb that looks like a dog turd. I watch a violent thunderstorm appear in 20 minutes from a clear , hundred degree August sky in Texas. I watch an old married man feed his old married wife in a nursing home when her hands no longer can hold a utensil. I see God when a man has walked for miles to buy his child medicine at a convenient store in the heat to discover he forgot his money and a stranger pays for it for him, because he knows how frightening is is to have a sick child. I find out who God is when it is me that is compelled to do for a stranger what they cannot do for themselves. Dorothy in "The Wizzard of Oz" went on her journey looking for happiness. If I can't find a connection a to power greater than myself in my own back yard, then it's me that is at fault. You can find spirit in a tool shed if you are looking for that connection. The best news is, it is in our energy, or composition, our DNA to seek and make this connection. It's the one sure thing we have in common, an innate desire to reconnect with that thing that is bigger than us. It's why we feel so empty and desperate to fill that space with whatever we can find within arms reach. I looked for God in a package store, a pill bottle and a Doritos Bag, to no avail. I did do extensive research in what God is NOT. Breath, Forgive and find a way to enjoy this experience of being a spirit in human form. Find a power sources and recharge as often as you plug your smart phone in to an electrical socket. Step fully into the flow and find out along with me just what you were designed to do before self or circumstance redirected, misdirected our flow of spirit.

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