Wednesday, September 12, 2012

starve a feeling.

I"m a little bummed with myself. I know that that weight and food issue that I am have had since first grade and that recovery has to be loved based. I have to care for myself enough to make good choices and to pick foods that provide this clunky big old body with fuel. YOu will never be able to sustain a weight that you got to by "hating" it off. I've been really punishing the last two days and I have withheld food from myself. I don't like how really thin people look. If you see someone who had the gastric bypass done, they look like thinner, tired face version of themselves. But the moment I heard an actual number of pounds lost on Monday,, there was something that snapped and said "that isn't enough". Yesterday I ate a sandwich and a small bowl of cereal. I'm embarrassed talking about this.  I'm the worlds worse bulimic and if I could have ever figured out how to make myself throw up I would have started when I tried in 7th grade and 10th grade although I have hit laxatives  more than once in adult hood. I hate that I spend hours ever day thinking about what to eat, what I should not  eat, how much of it can be eating and how often. (oh and what is in my refrigerator) I am a straight up hard core pill user/abuser, it nearly took my life several time but I spent a good amount of time this week wondering what diet pills were available.  It's not about my weight, I may have fooled myself periodically thinking that it is but it is about my feelings and my refusal to treat me and my body as someone worth caring about.  I"m so NOT healthy today.  I never though I would be here afraid to eat again. I have my shrink appointment tomorrow so I have something to work on. Apologies for the illness sharing.

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