Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Day 5 or six of the detoxification from 4 years of paxil

It was what I needed to stay alive from depression until I got it together enough to get back into a 12 step for my substance abuse. I would never tell anyone not to use meds if they have need for them.

A really surprising thing happened today during the withdrawal process. I had real energy and felt like doing something. Not manic energy I just felt like moving some boxes around and finally charging the battery up on my car that i haven't cranked since before Christmas.

My doctor told me yesterday that a deep since of apathy is one of the things that happens when you are on an SSRI. It chops off the highs as it balances the lows.

I have been having waves of being moved towards tears, which is scary but sort of nice because it is one of the good parts of being human with emotions.

I'm still willing to try for another day and see what it brings. I took a nap today and my new found human super powers of emotion were even activated in my dreams.


Katie said...

Hi, Clinton!! I'm impressed with your decision to try and feel human. I know exactly what you mean about the highs and the lows and the inbetween. The highs and the lows can be somewhat painful, and you have to have strategies in place to handle them, along with having the mindset that you *want to/will* handle them.

I wish you the best, and I'll be reading your blog as you go along! :)


Clinton Gandy said...

Katie, I'm kind of impressed with it too. lol I have 100 percent faith in the 12 step program I am in. It can handle my depression if/when it cycles around again. I just want my emotional life to be rich in detail instead dulled or distorted. I laughed alot today. Not like a crazy person just walking and laughing, I got to have that glorious reaction inside your spirit when something is just silly.
Wouldn't it be the saddest thing you ever heard if I missed this highs of life because I was too frightened of the low. My Psychiatrist as grown up with me in the fact that as a young doctor he was all for the meds, and he is now, "meds if completely NECESSARY" The day he told me no medication is going to do what I want it to do. He said the best scenario is we stabilize you with meds and get your ass into therapy and untie the knots that are trying to kill you. lol It was the best thing a doctor ever told me. We are all different so I would never advise anyone on meds. I'm willing to share my experience strength and hope. I'm really excited about the possibility of losing the terminal "apathy" that antidepressants give me.
Thanks for leaving a comment, I forgot that was even an option.