When I started school, I was picked on and I wasn't safe there. I was around all these people who were suppose to take care of me and none of them could tell that I was drowning. The pisser about drowning is from a distance you can't tell if someone is splashing about and having fun in the water or if they are struggling. The are struggling to stay a float, struggling for air and struggling for life.
Everyone I knew assumed I was "playing in the water" because at the same time I was struggling, i couldn't be a bother with my feelings.
The first time I got drunk on bootleg malt liquor in the 8th grade was the first time, that even for a moment I felt not so exposed, vulnerable or scared.
Actually I experience the euphoria and fineness of alcohol at a fancy dinner before that. The hideous wine made me feel warm from the inside out. Warm and cozy. It was the first time I had alcohol and I tried to get as much as I could at the dinner without anyone noticing. Walking outside in the Newport street , with the warm breeze blowing, I felt great. I felt in the flow, I felt drunk. It was good.
Honestly it quit doing that for me a long time ago. I used it for awkward social gigs, dates I didn't want to go on and to relax enough to have really nasty dirty sex.
I could give list after list of specifics of when I was scared, had no one and couldn't verbalize me fear. I'm not sure that each individual episode are important, because it was just more of the same.
I was like a turtle with no shell, crossing a multilane freeway. I was scare, alone and I was to exposed and certain the attack was imminent.