My name is Clinton, I'm and addict and In 2013, I'm going places.

  My year long meditation last year was "Freedom in The 12, and I got a lot of freedom I never had. I had more days this year in freedom of medicating with food, and really standing up for myself or others when it was necessary. For 2013 my meditation is "I"M GOING  PLACES".  I have know idea where I'm going but I'm not staying here, in this mind space, in this space of uncertainty or doubt. I'm just gonna keep showing up and saying yes and we will see where life is on 2014. I'm releasing all those ideas that try to convenience me that I'm suppose to stay small.

Life has a magical why of making what you believe in your head become reality. Consider carefully what ideas you cling to. The world is either a place of lack and withholding or there is more than enough for you. You experience is based on what you believe. I feel so badly for the folks locked in fear and addicted to bad news of Fox and even the local news They feed there fear with 500 channels of a never ending broadcast feed of gloom, suspicion and soul poison. In a very real way we determine our experience based on the phenomenon of manifestation. You see what you look for, you live what you believe. Many people I love have never experienced freedom from the misinformation and memes inflicted upon them as kids. They have spent their whole life being small because they don't know they have a choice in the matter. It's hard to begin to monitor just what thoughts are present in your head but practice makes it easier. The only time I have the ability to choose to do something different is in the present moment. There are thousands of ways of getting to THE MOMENT but it's imperative that we find a way to get ourselves there because its the only time and place that change can happen. Living mindfully allows me the ability to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

7.5 months later i am looking like myself again and feeling like my self again. Food is a drug and I want freedom from medicating with food in the same way I am free of drugs. 77 pounds down and 8

Taking the Freedom Train Out Here in 2013

By this time last year, my friend Forrest had ran me ragged with his insistence that I pic some sort of  goal to shoot for in the year 2012.  I told him flat out I was not the New Year Resolution type of person. After he convince me it didn't have to be a "Resolution", just some sort of  idea of hope or action of faith that would be my running them for this past year.  I did a little soul searching and I had experienced some real freedom l in 2011 and it seemed like a good idea to choose 2012 as my year of freedoms. I coined my phrase of "Freedom in the Twelve".  One of the areas I had no freedom in was my relationship with food and over eating to medicate what the drugs used to medicate.  I just tried a suit coat on that was size 46L. It fit. I haven't been able to wear anything out of the size 50's in probably 10 years.  Food has kicked my as a few times but I never surrendered to it like it's bitch. A little over 65 pound later, I have had great glorious moments of freedom from food. Freedom has come in ways I couldn't have planned for. I have got it n the real good habit and I stand up for myself. Freedom.

Freedom was indeed good in 2012. So it is now I look forward to 2013 I'm compelled to use the idea that "My name is Clinton Gandy and I am going places". I have no clue where exactly I"m going but i"m well enough to know, I"m not staying here.  It's been really important to me since I got clean to make the second half of my life better than the first half. I'm open to where , but I have one less year to be concerned about this year. It was  a great year of fun and freedom.  I hope you go place too in 2013.  We are meant to live large boisterous human lives while were here as spirit in human experiences.

MY NAME IS CLINTON, I AM ADDICT AND I AM GOING PLACES IN 2013. I indeed found freedom in the '12 and 13 will find me going places and bringing with me everyone i can scoop up.

Happy Holidays

love,
Clinton

seen not heard

Getting close to three years ago when I went into NA, I quickly pointed out to myself the men there that seemed to have something going for them. So I made up this reason to get them all together at once so I could learn from them and become friends. I used the ruse of over 40 and recovering. One guy I wanted to come with us made it clear he was most certainly "NOT, 40"  I heard him use the word "HUBRIS" while sharing and I really wanted to be around him because I have always wanted to use that word in conversation and it never came up for me. I lowered the age limit to 30 and he came on board.

Now, a couple years and a few months we still get together once a month. This happened to me this weekend and it's happened before. I"ll be in the middle of telling a story to the men and I will in the middle of telling it realize that they are all paying attention to me while I speak. It's an overwhelming incident when all the men you admire most have stopped talking and eating and listen to what I have to say. Awesome.

When I was a child, I was raised by one of the asshole fathers who made a big deal about "Children are to be seen and not heard".  The irony of irony is, having no voice as a young kid made me develop a knack for telling a story or making a point clearly and concisely because when you don't get to speak and suddenly you are allowed to, you want to make sure you get your idea or point across ans succinctly as possible and with as much sure footedness as possible. That fucked up out dated idea my dad  had ultimately gave me my super power of verbalizing   my point of view or my ideas. Too bad it didn't make me a better speller or a better proof checker. lol

It was fun last night to feel good. I was envolved in service to my group and my area and I was a hundred percent present for all of it. Plus I was at the place where all the work was paying off.

Funny

I have never been in love in adult hood. One once I my life was I completely Gobsmacked by love. It was with I was 18 and 19 years old. The idea of that love is never far out of consciousness to me. Friday night i had a dream with him in it and it was as if no time had past when I woke up so I had to lose him all over again. Through a strange fluke I had to go to Oklahoma  and that meant I drove the route I drove to go to my freshmen year at college.. I have only been back 2 times in 26 years and I was nervous, excited and  flooded with feelings. Let me clarify that, i have been back to that town since recovery has opened my heart again. I stopped at a convenience store to get a coke and to use the restroom.  The smell of the store was the same and when I went into the bathroom, it smelled like wood and paint and it was exactly the same all this time later. I looked in the mirror and closed my eyes. I was in a town that may only lover had lived and I breathed in the smell of that paint and tried desperately as I squinted my eyes and half hoping to open them to 1986.  Rolling through old stomping grounds had my heart open and the size of my chest. As i passed Hastings and Belks, Bealls and the Victorian in I had never felt so empty. We went past the turn off to the big lake we caravaned to get drunk and the place I was forced to announce to our classmates and fellow thespians that John and I were together/couple.  I haven't had that kind of love in 26 years but there were the identical sites and landmarks that we ran amok in love there in Paris.

I also know sketchy details of your life now. I look for your face in every crowd I see. I never have stopped looking for you. If you only get one of these white hot all consuming burning loves in your life I'm not so sure if I wouldn't have skipped loving you because I am not in the place of being of knowing what is gone. What I am missing. Maybe that makes me super insecure and small. Maybe it makes me pathetic. I know we can't go back in time and we can't live in the past. I was hit it emotions so large and intense over 48 hours all I could do was live them out and now I am writing about them hoping they lose some power. I don't want to be a tragic fucking country song. I'm 45 and I haven't been in love since I was 19 years old. What is the fucking deal do really really only get just one.