I have never been in love in adult hood. One once I my life was I completely Gobsmacked by love. It was with I was 18 and 19 years old. The idea of that love is never far out of consciousness to me. Friday night i had a dream with him in it and it was as if no time had past when I woke up so I had to lose him all over again. Through a strange fluke I had to go to Oklahoma and that meant I drove the route I drove to go to my freshmen year at college.. I have only been back 2 times in 26 years and I was nervous, excited and flooded with feelings. Let me clarify that, i have been back to that town since recovery has opened my heart again. I stopped at a convenience store to get a coke and to use the restroom. The smell of the store was the same and when I went into the bathroom, it smelled like wood and paint and it was exactly the same all this time later. I looked in the mirror and closed my eyes. I was in a town that may only lover had lived and I breathed in the smell of that paint and tried desperately as I squinted my eyes and half hoping to open them to 1986. Rolling through old stomping grounds had my heart open and the size of my chest. As i passed Hastings and Belks, Bealls and the Victorian in I had never felt so empty. We went past the turn off to the big lake we caravaned to get drunk and the place I was forced to announce to our classmates and fellow thespians that John and I were together/couple. I haven't had that kind of love in 26 years but there were the identical sites and landmarks that we ran amok in love there in Paris.
I also know sketchy details of your life now. I look for your face in every crowd I see. I never have stopped looking for you. If you only get one of these white hot all consuming burning loves in your life I'm not so sure if I wouldn't have skipped loving you because I am not in the place of being of knowing what is gone. What I am missing. Maybe that makes me super insecure and small. Maybe it makes me pathetic. I know we can't go back in time and we can't live in the past. I was hit it emotions so large and intense over 48 hours all I could do was live them out and now I am writing about them hoping they lose some power. I don't want to be a tragic fucking country song. I'm 45 and I haven't been in love since I was 19 years old. What is the fucking deal do really really only get just one.