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Just waiting/

My mom told my sister she had to leave because she wouldn't quit doing drugs in my mothers house. My sister had the audacity to be incredulous about it. There is an arrogance with active users that is very very hard to forgive. Anyway, I'm sure she will be back but I do believe it's good for her. Life hasn't given her many consequences from her addiction so being let out of the house is a good thing.

I'm just a bystander, a watcher. I have no power over what happens or doesn't between them  Just watching.

MRI results

Just quick and over the phone. Brain has no abnormalities, Neck=completely a mess. Appointing pending with the neck doctor. I'm 44 too young for surgery, hope injections and maybe losing weight will help the pressure on my spine. It's not tumahhhhh. lol

Live and learn and freak on occasion.

I had to have two MRI's done this morning in a veil of secrecy. lol I don't want my family fucking up my many possible maladies. Anyway, I've had MRI's before , 3 infact, the old fashion tube kind. So I though the open air MRI would be a piece of cake. Turns out it it just means your arms are able to reach out. The guy put me in the thing, and I am one calm cool bastard until I open my eyes and see that the ceiling was two inches from my face and the had me strapped in to some concoction akin to a football mask. I started losing my shitl. I kept saying "hello, hello" trying to sound like I might simply need a bit of fresh air. When I realized there was no way to communicate I decide to use all my "tragically cool points" and let them know I needed help.  I'll never see that man again why I was embarrassed to tell him I  couldn't breath. So he rolled me out , reconfigured the head gear and asked me to try again. It was at first a battle of the truth in my head versus the messages of distress my body sent out. I had him cover my eyes with a towel. So clang clang clang went the trolly and he finally rolled me out. MRI number one, a finished. Roll out reconfigure and MRI of Brain is done. I am rolled and thinking I am billy badassary and he tells me only one more. This is one that is done after you are given a shot of something that  shows up in specific places (i guess). The last one I was very anxious again. So weird I would I would get claustrophobic at 44. If I hadn't learned mediation and relaxation techniques I would have never never made it through the first MRI, oh hell I would have told the guy I needed to run to the bathroom and never looked back. I'm so glad that is over.

If this was the last day I was on earth

When I remember to play "my last day here",. I see things I would otherwise miss. The particular shade green or the peculiar shape of a tree, the smell of coffee and how it smell beckons me to the pot even though I rarely drink it. How a song on the radio brings back of flood of memories dripping with the smells and sounds of the time right along with it. I look at the loved ones I have with such compassion and gratitude as I notice things like how time has shown up around their eyes or the drape of the skin on their neck. I see a woman standing  two lines down at the grocery and my  chest fills up with sadness as I read the misery on her face and the slope of her shoulders that have bore more weight than they should have. The kid playing near my feet isn't an annoyance , more a study of how even  a dirty check out isle is a great place to play with a hot wheels car. The disparity of the sad lady's energy and the fresh energy of this kid is not lost to me.  The lady a head of me hopes their is enough money on her card to pay for the small amount of items. I suddenly feel  weight of having enough food on a daily basis to grow a kid and a family. I take the time to experience the sensation of my own weight on my feet as I see a wheel chair bound man roll in to shop. Suddenly I am in gratitude that I can get in and out of a car without help, move quickly through the store to collect the things I want , not just what I need. It's a big thing for me to comprehend with each breath that I have every thing, EVERY thing I need and most of my wants.  I see the sad lady lug her groceries to the parking lot and get in a vehicle that looks as weary and tired as she. A kid cries and to her and suddenly her face lights up as the kid throws the car door open for his mommy.

That is just an hours worth of observing life like I was leaving the planet tomorrow. Last week when I did "last day here", i was hypnotized by an out of place that of cane growing behind the Sonic and the wind was causing it all to blow in circles but in opposite directions why the sun light beating down it is made it appear to me outlined in silver.

When I slow down and observe, my life is enriched in ways I would never have guessed. Time with friends is felt and treasured, food is amazing and even the feel of my body in the seat of a car that is moving is a sensations worth noticing.  Using all my senses purposely really fills my spirit and I  wish I lived that way everyday. While, I am closer to it than ever before , I'm miles away. I'm here for the full meal deal , and I'm "all in Motherfucker".

Connecting the dots

Over all today has been one of those rare days where the universe held back the curtain just long enough for me to get a thrilling peak at how some things are coming together simply because I  keep doing the right thing. I got a letter back from an addict I had written in prison and he said he would like a copy of the basic text of NA. I got home and sat at the computer. Since I have paid a big portion of my dental bill I am really relying on Ebay to help me out this month. I had re-listed everything I had not sold in prior attempts except for one two piece silk set that I ran out of time earlier this morning when I was posting sale items.  I put it up for a"buy it now" for 15 dollars.
I remembered i wanted to send Jerry a Text and went to Amazon. I bought the book and paid for it. Amazon "recommended" some other things and I noticed our NA Workbook for 5 dollars. I bought it and shipped it to Jerry in prison. I got an email notice and flipped over. I had sold that 2 piece silk set during the time I was buying the books for Jerry . His books were 14.70 and I sold the set for 15.00. The exact time I am reaching out with this literature I am being replenished while it happened. I had tried to sell that suit at least 3 times before. 
To take this one step further in speculation, I won't say for sure that Jerry will benefit from the literature, but I feel completely assured that the literature will get to the exact right person in the facility  eventually.

I'm needed, in this world to do my part, and let go of the results.

"Show up, tell the truth, do your best and let go of the results" was a piece of advice I love and try hard to embody.

NO ONE at Brookshire brothers noticed this?

Things I am suprised at , at 44 years old

I'm surprised that sometimes love isn't enough to keep us together. I'm surprised that the person i need to love and believe in most is myself. I'm surprised that the house you live in means nothing with the ones you love inside. I'm surprised how horribly we treat one another yet claim the lie of religion. I'm surprised that all the people that follow Jesus, forget the most fundamental things of his teaching:   love, compassion and service to others. I'm surprised parents don't know best, it's 50 percent teaching and 50 percent hail Mary pass that the kids can find a way to identify themselves on their own terms. I'm surprised that knowing who you are dictates so much. I'm surprised that people who have it all can crash and burn just as fantastically as they lived they died. I'm surprised that NOTHING I thought about in younger days seems to matter much at all. I'm surprised I can say that my opinion of me matters more that your opinion of me. I'm surprised how much you can hate someone and love them at the same time and the same coin I'm surprised how you cane be disappointed for someone but not IN someone. I'm surprised this is what mid-40's feels like and I am surprised how the body responds slower and with more pain way more often. I'm really surprised at how good it feels to have done your best, acknowledge the flaws but being so thrilled you made the effort. Hell, I'm 44 and I'm surprised.

I'm surprised I lived to see a female and a black man run or president seriously and one of them actually win and I am still soo disappointed that skin color and sexual identity makes a difference. Finally, I am surprised at 44 years on the planet  that people who are in so much fear just end up being mean ole doodooheads.

some friends from last night that came to hear me sing

note to friends

A note to my friends. The words "thank you" are terribly small and ineffective when it comes to telling you how moved I was that you came out to support me at the Opry in Gladewater. The loveliest fact about it was you were all part of the reason I was healed enough to do it one more time. The last time I had sang in a show was at that Opry. I melted down in rehearsals, had a big panic attack and left before I was finished and never returned again or even apologized for not showing up. I never in a million years felt that I would do that again. Bit by bit you have either brought out in me or handed me elements of my spirit that had been lost along my way. You saw me alive last night and I wouldn't be there without what you have given to me. How you brought a dead man back to life and got him to sing on stage is a modern day miracle. I can't thank you all enough but I promise you this, I will pay it forward from now on and do for someone else what you have done for me. Last night coincided with the exact date that I was institutionalized the last time and it was 2 years to the hour.  I do not claim the 14th as my clean date because I didn't decide to join NA until 4 days after but, it was when the fog was beginning to life. To get from institutionalize to performing clean and sober at an Opry being fully present and right-minded is the stuff our books are filled with. You have all made me feel special, very special and my hope is to do the same for you some day soon. Auditions are Saturdays at 4:00.