I learned some things tonight and I am ok with them

I will never enjoy group activities like dances and jamboree weekends. I tried it and really thought something was wrong with me for not liking them. The truth is, I am not horny and i am not under 30 and I don't like loud music of any kind and I don't dance. What I found out tonight was dances aren't my thing and that is fine. What is my thing is gloriously person and intimate sharing of experience strength and hope. I love to hear about your spiritual exploration or you adventures in being human. I probably could sit and listen to 20 enlightened people talk until dawn. I got a chance to talk with a couple people i know there are sort of in sober living and it was the only time I felt like myself. I drank and did downers because I wanting to feel mushy and talk on the phone, not join others.

I'm very glad I got this straightened out for myself. I am over feeling the guilt produced by not fitting in activities I wasn't interested in to start with. Monsters are created between my ears every hour. Most of the time they don't stay and I don't by into them.

One other thing I was bummed about tonight was I saw my photo in my costume and I look like an old man with double chin and jowls. It was disappointed my weight loss hasn't made much difference and I look washed and old. It is just the way I feel at the moment. Reality, sometimes jarring and unpleasant. lol Suddenly, I who have not been in love since I was a teenager, am suddenly concerned about being ugly and unlovable and dying alone. What a mess.

Just a thankful day.

Six and a half months ago when I entered the Narcotics Anonymous program I couldn't even dream of feeling as at home as I do most of the time now. A fairly new person was concerned the hall wasn't open this morning and I used the key to open it. My friend who was suppose to chair the noon meeting was ill and I filled in for him as chairperson. I remembered new peoples name and I interacted with people who now have an interest in my recovery and vice versa. One of the biggest gifts of the program is how we invest in the recovery of others. If you can make it too the door someone will let you know we are glad to see you.

I have not had to wrestle with wanting to use pills in some time, therefore, I have had ample time to focus on recovery. Getting better from the inside out takes time. Getting to the point you feel comfortable in any new group is AWKWARD,

All I have really every wanted was to just be myself and have some good feedback from the people I am with. You can't really grow if your riddled with fear. Fear tell lies and bullies you into believe them, even about yourself.

surprising compasion.

I am completely astounded at how recovery works when you let it. I got completely crossways with a lady a few months ago in my recovery group. The thought of her made my teeth hurt. I consciously chose to let it go and to see her as someone with a big personality and a mouth to match sometimes. I was steadfast that I could not dislike her because in that room of recovery we depend on each other and she might be the only one that could help me one day.

There was some drama that played out at the group yesterday for which I was not there and was not privy too. She was confronted from what I understand with breaking the traditions which keep the group safe. She responded as a big personality and ego would.

The thing that suprises me and solidifies the merits of the program is I felt compelled to reach out to her and tell her I believed in the integrity of her recovery. She may or may not have broken a tradition, I don't know and frankly don't care. I do care that it was handled very poorly and that she may feel stunned or ashamed as well as majorly pissed.

Being open made my heart open up and relate to the human part of her and I was completely floored when I couldn't not reach out to her.

Compassion surprises and thrills every single time I am flooded with it. It's makes me feel grateful to be alive and grateful I get to make a connection to someones soul for a brief moment.

Hello again , Hello

I've been putting so much focus on Weight Watcher's I have mostly been sharing there. I'm going to try to come here tomorrow and sort some things out.

Thanks for the resentment.

edited. lol

Do you know you"re free and do you know how to make the most of it.

In 1997 I worked for a very short time for an old lady with a 40 year son who had severe CP. It was a miracle that he made it to a teenager and the only reason he did was because of his mother, Melinda. Melinda was a big woman, 6 foot tall and stout, strong stout , not like the "big" ladies clothing store they called a "stout shop". Any way..................

Melinda had dementia. People were always "breaking in the house trying to steal her things" or "Stealing her shoes and clothes and replacing them with ugly ones". At the end of the first couple of weeks I walked around in the yard and saw that she had a dog in a cage. Frail, friendly, so skinny. She had forgotten she had a dog for a while and he was emaciated. I was over come with the desire to set him free while she wasn't in the house. I opened the gate and he didn't know what to do do. I found out later he had spent his entire inside that cage, I got him out and set him on the green fluffy grass and he was like a statue. He went back to his cage and I knew I had to get back in to work. After work, I went straight to the cage , got the dog, put it in my car and brought it home with me. I have a big fence in back yard and I figure I could figure out what to do with the dog while I fattened him up.

Before 2 weeks had past, she had been screwed by every male dog in the tri county.

The reason I was thinking of the story is because I need lessons in how best to utilize my freedom. The freedom that comes from being clean and sober, not being in trouble with the law, and the freedom of being a 42 year old white male in America.

Asking for help is one thing that is hard for me. I have always rather try to figure it out for myself and if it failed, I told no one.

I am so grateful to have a few close friends who get the fact that I need help navigating the waters of freedom, and I am thankful I have two doctors and a Weight Watchers support forum for me to access, poll and utilize.

Do you know that you are free? I love the 3rd or 7th step prayer from AA. I don't like prewritten prayers usually but this one pertains to "Relieving the bondage of self". The pray is a prayer for freedom.

I found a home for the dog and she had two babies.

I am thankful for my training wheels and the people intrusted to help me make most out of being release from the insanity of addiction, just for today.

Mix of emotions.

I have been really troubled by the young gay man that killed himself after his room mate at school turned a web cam on him will he was having sex. I hurt because he hadn't been on the planet long enough and seen that we get through the really bad times. Nothing is ever so devastating it can't be worked through.

Honestly I don't know why or how I managed to grow up different in an area not known for understanding and tolerance . It makes me marvel at how strong I was without even knowing it. I believed that there was somewhere out there that would make more sense , I knew in my heart that there had to be a place of acceptance even if my head could not put it into words at the time.

I think about the young me's out there. Bullied and demeaned not knowing any thing different. I found food and that helped cut the pain until alcohol came. Then much much later I just wanted to be comatosed

I'm just very sad, for the boy up north and for the boy that was bullied inside me still.

Hello My Friend Hello

I've been doing so much work on the weight loss board that I have forgotten to come here at all. I'm going to come back later tonight and put some stuff down on here.

The falsehood of "treating" yourself

TV commercials urge you to "indulge" yourself , promoting bath salts or chocolate we are made to feel like we have such a hectic life that is ok, if throw out self restraint "now and then".

I was really shocked when I looked up the actual definition.

Indulgence- an inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires



The feeling of "The devil may care" and the thrill of being "temporarily" naughty that I thought meant indulgence doesn't mean that at all.


When I would be on a trip, I would get a thrill out of ordering a breakfast so big I needed a table of my own because "I'm on vacation", and throw care out the window.

When something good or bad would happen, I'd eat everything in sight because I deserved to "indulge" as a reward or consolation.

The chemicals produced in my head when I throw caution to the wind is really what I am after. I am looking to INDULGE in something so my brain chemicals produced dope me up. Chocolate produces the same chemicals in your head that being in love does.

It's really dangerous for me when I feel like I am owed a celebration because celebration for me means taking something I like, throwing "Caution to the wind" and imbibing until I can't see straight.

So the word indulgence is about being NOT IN CONTROL of my own actions, thoughts and behaviors.

Seriously I am going to have to stay aware of that because my head is constantly telling me I am owed celebrations. Indulgence looks like insanity to me.

I will never look at an ad for chocolate or fine beverage that say go on and INDULGE. It's really prompting me to give in to the the insanity of not being in control of my own urges.

That sounds ugly to me. I get fat or arrested when I run on distorted instinct of how much and how come I deserve to partake in food or spirits.

For me, INDULGENCE is naughty fun, it is me being complete over taken with the insanity that I deserve the right to have as much of something as i can. My disease of addiction is writing checks that my body and spirit can't afford to cash.

Things to reconsider

I forget sometimes when I want to change something about myself or my perspective, just how important it is to expose myself to an array of NEW IDEAS. Hardly any of my old ideas were helpful anymore. It's so important to try something thing different or examine things from a different perspective. If I keep doing the same things over and over I never get anywhere.

Buy a book, watch a program, interview a friend are great ways for me to start building my new existence. Some work and stick, others don't work and fall away.

I just know that if this is my last moment on earth, I don't want to spend it frightened. I want peace more than anything else on the planet, and from the strength of that piece I can then address the issues that keep my fat and want me heavily self medicated. Something I am learning from my Bootcamp Buddies Weight Watchers is that all of us have things in common things like fear, self loathing and the desire to numb ourselves with food. It really was the first drug I found that made me not ache inside.

I'm kind of all over the place here so I am going to shut down and try again tomorrow. I am thankful for everything I have and will share what I have found with anyone who is interested.