surprising compasion.

I am completely astounded at how recovery works when you let it. I got completely crossways with a lady a few months ago in my recovery group. The thought of her made my teeth hurt. I consciously chose to let it go and to see her as someone with a big personality and a mouth to match sometimes. I was steadfast that I could not dislike her because in that room of recovery we depend on each other and she might be the only one that could help me one day.

There was some drama that played out at the group yesterday for which I was not there and was not privy too. She was confronted from what I understand with breaking the traditions which keep the group safe. She responded as a big personality and ego would.

The thing that suprises me and solidifies the merits of the program is I felt compelled to reach out to her and tell her I believed in the integrity of her recovery. She may or may not have broken a tradition, I don't know and frankly don't care. I do care that it was handled very poorly and that she may feel stunned or ashamed as well as majorly pissed.

Being open made my heart open up and relate to the human part of her and I was completely floored when I couldn't not reach out to her.

Compassion surprises and thrills every single time I am flooded with it. It's makes me feel grateful to be alive and grateful I get to make a connection to someones soul for a brief moment.

Hello again , Hello

I've been putting so much focus on Weight Watcher's I have mostly been sharing there. I'm going to try to come here tomorrow and sort some things out.

Thanks for the resentment.

edited. lol

Do you know you"re free and do you know how to make the most of it.

In 1997 I worked for a very short time for an old lady with a 40 year son who had severe CP. It was a miracle that he made it to a teenager and the only reason he did was because of his mother, Melinda. Melinda was a big woman, 6 foot tall and stout, strong stout , not like the "big" ladies clothing store they called a "stout shop". Any way..................

Melinda had dementia. People were always "breaking in the house trying to steal her things" or "Stealing her shoes and clothes and replacing them with ugly ones". At the end of the first couple of weeks I walked around in the yard and saw that she had a dog in a cage. Frail, friendly, so skinny. She had forgotten she had a dog for a while and he was emaciated. I was over come with the desire to set him free while she wasn't in the house. I opened the gate and he didn't know what to do do. I found out later he had spent his entire inside that cage, I got him out and set him on the green fluffy grass and he was like a statue. He went back to his cage and I knew I had to get back in to work. After work, I went straight to the cage , got the dog, put it in my car and brought it home with me. I have a big fence in back yard and I figure I could figure out what to do with the dog while I fattened him up.

Before 2 weeks had past, she had been screwed by every male dog in the tri county.

The reason I was thinking of the story is because I need lessons in how best to utilize my freedom. The freedom that comes from being clean and sober, not being in trouble with the law, and the freedom of being a 42 year old white male in America.

Asking for help is one thing that is hard for me. I have always rather try to figure it out for myself and if it failed, I told no one.

I am so grateful to have a few close friends who get the fact that I need help navigating the waters of freedom, and I am thankful I have two doctors and a Weight Watchers support forum for me to access, poll and utilize.

Do you know that you are free? I love the 3rd or 7th step prayer from AA. I don't like prewritten prayers usually but this one pertains to "Relieving the bondage of self". The pray is a prayer for freedom.

I found a home for the dog and she had two babies.

I am thankful for my training wheels and the people intrusted to help me make most out of being release from the insanity of addiction, just for today.

Mix of emotions.

I have been really troubled by the young gay man that killed himself after his room mate at school turned a web cam on him will he was having sex. I hurt because he hadn't been on the planet long enough and seen that we get through the really bad times. Nothing is ever so devastating it can't be worked through.

Honestly I don't know why or how I managed to grow up different in an area not known for understanding and tolerance . It makes me marvel at how strong I was without even knowing it. I believed that there was somewhere out there that would make more sense , I knew in my heart that there had to be a place of acceptance even if my head could not put it into words at the time.

I think about the young me's out there. Bullied and demeaned not knowing any thing different. I found food and that helped cut the pain until alcohol came. Then much much later I just wanted to be comatosed

I'm just very sad, for the boy up north and for the boy that was bullied inside me still.

Hello My Friend Hello

I've been doing so much work on the weight loss board that I have forgotten to come here at all. I'm going to come back later tonight and put some stuff down on here.

The falsehood of "treating" yourself

TV commercials urge you to "indulge" yourself , promoting bath salts or chocolate we are made to feel like we have such a hectic life that is ok, if throw out self restraint "now and then".

I was really shocked when I looked up the actual definition.

Indulgence- an inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires



The feeling of "The devil may care" and the thrill of being "temporarily" naughty that I thought meant indulgence doesn't mean that at all.


When I would be on a trip, I would get a thrill out of ordering a breakfast so big I needed a table of my own because "I'm on vacation", and throw care out the window.

When something good or bad would happen, I'd eat everything in sight because I deserved to "indulge" as a reward or consolation.

The chemicals produced in my head when I throw caution to the wind is really what I am after. I am looking to INDULGE in something so my brain chemicals produced dope me up. Chocolate produces the same chemicals in your head that being in love does.

It's really dangerous for me when I feel like I am owed a celebration because celebration for me means taking something I like, throwing "Caution to the wind" and imbibing until I can't see straight.

So the word indulgence is about being NOT IN CONTROL of my own actions, thoughts and behaviors.

Seriously I am going to have to stay aware of that because my head is constantly telling me I am owed celebrations. Indulgence looks like insanity to me.

I will never look at an ad for chocolate or fine beverage that say go on and INDULGE. It's really prompting me to give in to the the insanity of not being in control of my own urges.

That sounds ugly to me. I get fat or arrested when I run on distorted instinct of how much and how come I deserve to partake in food or spirits.

For me, INDULGENCE is naughty fun, it is me being complete over taken with the insanity that I deserve the right to have as much of something as i can. My disease of addiction is writing checks that my body and spirit can't afford to cash.

Things to reconsider

I forget sometimes when I want to change something about myself or my perspective, just how important it is to expose myself to an array of NEW IDEAS. Hardly any of my old ideas were helpful anymore. It's so important to try something thing different or examine things from a different perspective. If I keep doing the same things over and over I never get anywhere.

Buy a book, watch a program, interview a friend are great ways for me to start building my new existence. Some work and stick, others don't work and fall away.

I just know that if this is my last moment on earth, I don't want to spend it frightened. I want peace more than anything else on the planet, and from the strength of that piece I can then address the issues that keep my fat and want me heavily self medicated. Something I am learning from my Bootcamp Buddies Weight Watchers is that all of us have things in common things like fear, self loathing and the desire to numb ourselves with food. It really was the first drug I found that made me not ache inside.

I'm kind of all over the place here so I am going to shut down and try again tomorrow. I am thankful for everything I have and will share what I have found with anyone who is interested.

The "Common Thread".

I am really grateful this morning. Grateful not just specifics but all levels. I like where I am and that is such a crazy foreign experience for me. I ran smack in the middle of one of my favorite foods to over eat last night when my mom and sister cooked meat sauce, spaghetti and garlic cheese bread. I know visually how much to put in a bowl and eat and still stay reasonable with the point count, but it would have knocked me out of a snack or two before bed. As good as it smelled, I passed and had my fav. chicken fajita thing instead because I didn't want to have to do without later. It's a big step forward for me to thing about the repercussions of my action BEFORE I eat.

I am so thankful to still be interested in learning new ways of dealing with the world and the things/people I come in contact with. It's easy to begin a change, but to keep feeding the desire to change is frankly difficult. Change can only take place in the present moment. If I keep stringing those moments together I will get to who I want to be. I've really been giving the fact that I need a compelling vision of who I want to be in order to get there. My identity in my head thankfully, doesn't match who I have become and who I still want to be. I don't smoke anymore, I don't eat xanax or somas to "Relax" my self from hideous hideous anxiety and I'm not a recluse anymore. I'm trying to visualize, what I dress like, what my hair looks like, how I stand.

I read a quote that, real change is almost impossible to sustain unless you have a "compelling vision". I see myself clearly, moving with focused attention, reaching my hand out , grabbing someone on a sinking ship and yanking them into safety. I believe that old saying that I have heard on Oprah for 20 years. If you get, you must give. if you learn, you must teach. I can't wait to get to the point of my recovery from a self centered, self driven life to being someone with a way out that is sharable to other people who have noticed they live in the dark but suspect there is more that available to them.

I just took a quick look around me and I own very few things. The things that are mine I am thankful for but not attached to. Maybe one day things will mean more to me because i have long suspected if you don't have the highest value on yourself, nothing you own will mean much. It's like how the moon doesn't have it's own source of illumination. It simply is lit my the light of the sun. My value for myself is like the light of the sun. If I don't have a bright light, then nothing can get "lit up" by me. It probably sounds grandiose, but I would love to light everyone I meet up like the sun light the moon.

So today I am going to treat myself as lovingly as possible and that includes what I tell myself in the form of thoughts. I will be kind and gentle and remember that mistakes are not failures and even if they were, failure isn't fatal. I will attend, I mean really be with the people I am with today. I will focus my full attention on them just like the attention I want to be given. Even though no one may be looking or watching, I am going to be the me that I believe I can be. I will make healthy choices, and look at my life as important, but not so important I can't find the humor in being human, which means, my flaws aren't fatal either. My intention is to bring hope, love and laughter to the people I encounter today and embody the best possible qualities with my one time shot at being human.

I look forward so much to all of you checking in with updates of your day and diet because even though I don't "know" you, I know you. It makes me feel good to have this tiny shared space together, no pun intended, but in this, our common "thread".

How TV and Film fucked me up. lol

I was a child of Television. I was so miserable in my own life growing up and TV was sooooo good in the 70's and early 80's it saved my life. I had no way of knowing that the way I felt wouldn't last forever and I certainly wouldn't have known there were people out there that were funny and theatrical. I was a freak in my corner of the world.

I still can sing the words to commercials of the day and Tuesday night with "Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley followed by Three's company" was and is the best line up ABC ever had. I lived for the "Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" on Saturday Nights, and the "Wonderful World of Disney" and "Punky Brewster" on Sundays.

The girls from "The Facts of Life" still seem like real friends. I had a dream last week about the gal who played Blair and was from Texas it was messed up but she was in it.

The problem with losing myself in TV and movies was, the fact that the credits rolled when the story resolved and that was that. I've struggle many times when I get everything set up well for myself and then want to yell "Roll the fucking credits". But the only credits we get here on earth are the ones they tap into marble with your start date and end date down to the bone yard,

I also thought that a Kodak moment was coming and that when a big enough catastrophe happened I would cease to exist. Some event was coming that would shatter me and I would be gone.

It's only now at 42 that I realize I have already had many of those moments and I am still here. If the collapse of the two Trade Center buildings didn't brake NY, nothing can break me unless I surrender to it instead of the flow of life and energy that will carry me to a better spot if I do the foot work.

I have loved ones who have lost children and they didn't die from grief. They hurt like hell but they go on, willing to feel better.

Am I willing to feel better? Most of the time. Life seldom allows me or you to be done with a thing and put a nice neat bow on it and today, that is ok. The story isn't about the beginning. It isn't about the end. It is about the space in between those to where life takes place.

My past is compelling but not unique. I have no less or no more to deal with than everyone else on the planet. My attitude and my hope level are the only things that can keep me from moving forward to a better version of myself. Clinton 2.0.