and we bury a tired resentment.

Wow, had an epiphany driving today. Something in me has healed regarding religion. I had what would be akin to the "Battered Wife Syndrome" where church is. To prevent an assault, I have very proactive about striking first.

I feel very strongly about my level and approach to spirituality and I was thinking that maybe the peace and wonder I experience is the same that religious people feel at church, only they call it something different. There is way more strings with the organized stuff, but the main thing is not everyone is out to damn me and tell me all the reasons I deserve an eternity in the version of hell.

I'm frankly tired of the WELL DESERVED chip on my shoulder regarding christians. They aren't all homophobic, zealots who thrive on judgment and condemnation but the ones who get TV deals and protest at soldier's funerals are I think FUCKING MEAN ASS NUTS.

I am not meant to enter the spiritual flow through old school means, but I do believe my friends have used the churches for their entrance into the flow and we end up at the same place spiritually.

At the core of all the religions I have read about, the fundamentals of love, tolerance and service are the cornerstones. The rest seems to get mucked up the the "Business" of religion and church.

People do Fucked up stuff in the name of religion, and that is never going to change. I have changed though. I don't fear those people anymore. There is no place in my recovery life for that deep deep fear any longer.

I had to be shown. I've made friends with a couple of people who have their faith and organized services yet they are able to come into a recover centered 12 group and never once introduce the outside issue of their faith into the meeting, and I think they like me and I really like them.

When i saw one friend's post on a social network before I knew she was fond of organized worship, I was really devastated because I like her so much in the meeting but she was KooKoo Christian on a post. I talked about it and got over the fear. The experiences of your past will keep playing and playing unless you finally question it's present validity. Does this resentment fit my life or reflect my own spirit of humanity?

Really Really tired of wagging that issue around and today I have hope I'm getting somewhere. We never get anywhere holding a past against each other. We need each other to much, my actual life depends on me trusting you.

The lovely, lovely paradox is, the bigger break I give to others, the bigger the break I give myself and vice versa.

The smartest suggestion I've gotten that changes everything.

You have to decide for yourself, is the world a safe place or is it not. Is it a world of plenty or is it a world of lack.

Believe or not most of a persons action in their lives can boil down to do I inherently believe there is enough for me in the world or not. What I encounter after that decision is based on my answer.

Is there too little or enough, is it dangerous or am I safe.

that is some heavy heavy shit.

Powerless over cookies and my life has become unmanageable

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.

– Friedrich Engels #

Putting new tools into action

For the last 24 hours I have had ample opportunity to use the new coping skills I've picked up with family that hasn't changed much. It is so thrilling to know that , all I can do , is all I can do, and be done with it. I love the Al anons mantra "I didn't cause it and I can't cure it".

The fact is , shit rains down on everyone at times. It isn't singling you out for more than your share. You buy focusing all your energy on the shit storm perceive it to be more than your share of shit. But in proper perspective, it's relatively equal to everyone elses.

There is time for being disappointed but the quicker you jump into recovery mode the better.

I am very tired of people who claim deep faith only to instantly go into "woe is me" when stuff happens. We live in a world that is built for balance, it is created so that it is easier for us to "right" ourselves when we get upside downed.

I can see at this moment so much to have real gratitude for that I get frustrated when people who seemingly have more than I , complain about their portion of the pie.

For reasons completely unknown to me I am filled with peace and hope, for myself, my friends and family, and finally our planet.

We are in perpetual motion. Moving to somewhere and away from what we knew as reality. If I had a wish for everyone I loved it would be that they learned to live before they focused on their final exit.

What comes after life is mere speculation. Why not focus on the stuff that isn't speculation, which is the life under neath your own nose.

If you are going to spend you energy loving something dearly, make sure it is something that actually has the capacity to love you back.

I'm giving the choice of to recover or not, a hundred times a day

I was noticing today just how many chances I had to choose to react to things the old way, (which for any of you that know me, gets me no where), or I have a chance to chose differently, to make purposeful decisions hoping for new outcomes.

Very few of them were "big" decisions. When your trying to overhaul you existence I guess even the smallest choice is a big decision.

The main thing is, I didn't let fear influence any of my decisions. Well, maybe one, but I will deal with the consequences of that later, because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

In 100 days, I have become a member of a group that wants to help me, and I in turn am there to help others. I know names, and mine is known, and I have phone numbers and emails of people who want nothing from me but to show me how to live my life the way I want it. So much can happen in such a short time. You can care so deeply for someone when they come to you with honesty about their situations.

To whom it may concern

I explain somewhere on this blog that I just can't go back to proof read for errors when I make an entry here. I start second guessing myself, toning things down and many times deleting or rewriting all together. You much likely to find my real truth, if I let the errors stand and leave the text alone.

I don't think in complete sentences.

Today was a great day, one in which I was fully aware that the universe was open for me to be a part of. I was comfortable being me, and comfortable being me in the company of others. That is something I have dreamed of my entire life.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Fear makes folks act stupid. Fear brings out the worse in people. Fear divides countries and families. The fearful are so easily manipulated that they are their own worst enemies.

I can't fear you anymore and expect to have a decent shot at living the second act of my life.

Fear keeps you small and I am tired of being small.

Keep your little ideas about love and life and meet me where the big boys play when your done.