Intellect over Emotion

I caught a piece of a health documentary and it reminded me of the first real, usual-able, relate-able piece of information I learned at the (first) treatment center I was in. Humans operate, Intelligence over emotions I/E. Addicts operate emotion over intelligence(E/I) and to make things even worse for us, it is DISTORTED emotion. Part of the recovery process is to slowly begin to make decisions of life using not our emotion but our intellect. We strengthen and sharpen our intellect through meetings, literature and for me a lot of independent study that might not appear on the surface to be related to recovery but I manage to find a common thread and re-educate myself with reality and all that is.
The irony of the addict running on distorted emotion is that emotions of all kind freak me ass out because they feel uncontrollable to me, so basically fear and other mutant emotions have driven me to the edge of disaster for 30 years. I wouldn't begin to even say that out loud if I didn't believe one hundred percent that Narcotics Anonymous, it's members who share their experience strength and hope, and my tiny understanding of things spiritual were gonna get me through what ever comes up. Today, I am going to focus on I over E. (I/E) I will make better decisions for my recover that aren't based of self and steeped in fear.

Klinger still makes me laugh and laugh on those old reruns of MASH. I heard this dress was in the Smithsonian.

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When at the end of the road......

If you know me at all you have heard that that two sentence section for Chapter 8 in the Basic Text is the single thing that gave me the power to connect my ass to Narcotics Anonymous and I reach to read it at the beginning of meetings when it is still available to be read. I never knew what I was supposed to be doing as a human being so I pretended and when I couldn't bear pretending I used. When the using didn't give me a break from the hideous understanding that I was an imposter, I imploded on a regular basis, with many hurt in the collateral damage. At the big ass NA meeting they made me go to while at the "Hospital" when I heard "We do Recover" read for the first time, it transformed me from a frightened mess to a determined member of Narcotics Anonymous. The humor in that story more me is I had to wreck my life and take a 128 dollar cab ride to the nuthouse in Shreveport Louisiana to here the same message I could have heard 8 miles from my house. But, IT TAKES WHAT IT GOD DAMN TAKES! I would have taken a cab ride to Libya if I believed a solution could have been found there. I could NOT function "With or Without Drugs" and it told me in detail what to do.3 mi

New things happen when they happen and I'm not that crazy

I've been slowly adding a 2.O designation to things I sign my name to. Clinton 2.0, Clinton Gandy 2.0 because in every single way I have been upgraded from the dismal operating system that i use to run. Instead of saying the new recovery voice inside my head directed me to do something different, I'm trying out just saying 2.0 said to do this or do that.
I just commented to Katy that 2.0 said I had options when a clerk went off on me and I thought I probably should put down in text form the whole meaning of the 2.O thing. It's the me that I refer to after recovery, and after 10 years of therapy, it is the better version of the same of the same deserving person on the planet I have always been, but I've just taken the upgrade that was made available but hard ass work and ego crushing blows that got me to a point of being teachable.
It is an millennial take on the old good twin/ evil twin. In my case it's recovery Clinton or dark and ill clinton. lol
It' won't mean anything to anyone but me. I want to see I have been remade when I see my signature. At least, Just for today.

Love,

Clinton 2.0

Check the damn INTENTION.

My intention behind the things I do is really important. What did I hope to accomplish. Sometimes I just don't look good even to myself. That is we are all about, the progress, sista. I'm learning relationships 101 and I have a pretty patient group of instructors in the hall. I guess some addicts come in with more social polish than others , but I've been away from people for 10 years because I was afraid to leave the house, and skills you don't use for that long, atrophy. My issue that has me be by the nads is letting people make their own mistakes without me trying to tell them that I think they are a bit of course. There are even areas in my sponsors life that I just have to bite my tongue and not be my mother by giving him these little "Tips" on how to live a learn more productively/happily. lol

I just keep my focus on my intention and try to let you learn the way you learn. My NA hall is just a giant study hall, where it is ok to make mistakes and know that you can't be run up and out of it while the process in in motion.

There was a lady I bump heads with, and I used a photograph to make a phony pharmaceutical advertisement using her picture. My plan was for one person, who would get a kick out of it to see it. Instead one of her sponsees saw it and went running to her sponsor that I put her in a Herpes Treatment advertisement.

My intention, was to knock down a person I considered a bully, privately. It set a lot of emotion IN motion and it taught me two lessons. One, the first is, leave no paper trail, and the other was to remember there is a person behind the mask of ego and bully.

I'd still love to take her inventory but recovery isn't about what I think of her program, it's putting together my own program that will save my ass. There are no saints in NA and we are all part horns and halos.

With my friends I usually say dirt whores with halos, but i don't know you guys well enough to call you loving pet names. lol

fun for me.

Publish Post

Growth Spruts.

What a lovely day and how grateful I am to have been a part of it. One thing that recovery allows me or empowers me to do is to be able to be truly emotionally invested in another person and to feel their success as they happen and of course the mishaps. My friend Frankie is closing in on her first year after many years of trying to get the "One day at a time" thing down. Jamie and her Daughter celebrated Mardi Gras and wore these hats that were so colorful my eyes tickled. There are so many people, people I know by name that are trying so hard to live and love differently that I am inspired to try another day.
The more I talk and get to know addicts the more I am leveled by the facts that we are all terrified to make mistakes and "failing", and we are so hard on ourselves when it comes to accepting love.

My sponsor was the first person who told me "We love you just the way you are" in a way that I really heard it and believed him. I was complaining about someone sharing at a meeting that came off to me like a low low end televangelist earlier tonight. The fact is a lot of people vibe to him. Regardless of what I think of him I would never say he wasn't welcome in a meeting and I wouldn't try to get my little group to run him out. Besides the miracle of addicts living without using, the other miracle is the program was set up in a way the "principles before personality" saves us from ourselves. No one person can be so "right" that we run someone else out.

And what that really means to me is , I can go in and be myself and they can't make me leave if they don't like me. lol  For someone with social anxiety like mine, that social cushion of having a spot regardless regardless of group opinion of me makes me feel safe. I have to feel safe in order to grow. I wasn't safe growing up and I shut down to protect myself.  I try my hardest to make new people feel safe when they come in. I try to do for them what I needed and need today.
  All my life I just wanted to feel F E E L cared for. I get it today for a dollar a meeting and a little service on the side.lol

Highlight from behind this door of Facebook this week so far.

I'll try not to soap box here, but as children in America we are filled with a big line of BullShit where it comes to succeed succeed, win win , we're number one, we're number one. It sat up a fear in me so that I would rather avoid and not try than be labeled failure or looser. In the scheme of spirits on the planet there isn't such thing as failure. One way gives you this circumstance and lessons to learn and the other way gives you another set.
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Failure isn't fatal. In fact I'm not even sure it is failure. Only time will tell. Post it notes were developed from a highly anticipated epoxy that "failed" technically.-
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It was a momentous (not being a jerk here) day when I figured out I could learn from someone elses experience. I remember the folding chair I was sitting in at a Lambda AA meeting in Dallas. I believe someone growing up that told me "You just have to learn everything the hard way for yourself , Clinton). It was a big moment in my life when I saw that blond highlights really wouldn't work on someone with my coloring. Thank God, that tired queen showed me the way to learning from your mistakes.
I really did have that revelation in a Lambda meeting but it wasn't hair related.
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It's hard for me to conceptualize how drawn I was to pills before I even new what they did or could . It wasn't like I had seen someone take one and trip out in front of me. It was just something that adults had that I wanted to be a part of. Maybe I didn't put two and two together like the antibiotic and earache eraser, but my genes are filled with old school drugs, maybe that was activated for me by DNA.
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When Britney Spears was buzzing her head and melting down, a hayseed friend of hers from Louisiana was interviewed about what she thought of Brits behavior and she came up with the "I think she has to fall apart a little so she can come back stronger". I honestly think she made that up on the spot. and new I had heard a universal law of spirit when she said it. She was right, Britney Spears did come back stronger and she came back a woman with life experience. I live in an unofficial "Antiques Capital of East TEXAS" and the thing that makes those pieces valuable to people that like antiques, is that they have withstood the test of time. Our experience, strength and hope are the only things that make up valuable as members of planet. I can compliment your on your shirt all day, but that isn't going to help you get through the day when all you want to do is medicate the fact your feel like dying... It's really the first time I feel like I have something of worth to offer anyone.. I love having a sense of purpose.