3a.m.

Been sick sin yesterday morning. I've been trying to take in the experience of a chest cold without being a smoking fool. It's been difference. Today is The 13th Anniversary of the Living Recovery Group. I'm humbled to receive such a nice welcome from it's members. I woke up at 2a with a cough so I got on the net while the AlkaSeltzer kicks in.

I'm really kind of over come with a peace and stillness at the moment and I am hoping I can ride it through my whole day. I'm really going to push myself to be a joiner today at the festivities. I can't stand on the sidelines in fear and get out of this program what I want. I am here to learn a clean way of living and to have the spirit of N.A. overhaul my life and thinking from the ground up. To get what I want I have to put myself in socially uncomfortable positions, I have to love whether or not it is returned and I must continue to extend my hand to everyone. Even the people that scare me for whatever reasons.

I'm 42, I've made monstrously bad decisions and have fucked up completely more times that I care to mention, BUT it all falls nicely under the category of how NOT to be the human I long to be. My greatest mistakes become the very platform I stand on to help others. My recovery isn't a theory. It isn't a Lifetime movie of the week. All my experiences that lead up to even this note I am pinning now are ultimately the very things that will save my life, qualify me to share with others and give me my own specialization when it comes to which newcomers I can best work with.

I've been thinking of the prayer in the AA book called the 7th step prayer that a sponsor made me memorize, it's fuzzy but it is something like, "I offer myself to the to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them my bear witness to those I would help of thy power, they glory and thy way of life, my I do thy will always."

Taking out the heavy Christian references , I am left with the beauty of surrendering to the power of the universe, having all the things that hold me back or trip me up removed, so that I can then use my super power of love to help those poor fuckers like me find a way to peace and help them find the place on the planet they too can save spirits from destruction at their own hands.

I am greatful, GRATEFUL.

Universe help me to love, forgive and heal.

ps. I CANNOT believe I remembered so much of that AA Big Book Pray. I haven't seen the book in 10 years. It's either the 7th step prayer or the 11th. It doesn't matter where it comes from only that I embody its essence.

If you look in the comment section I will explain where this came from.

HIROSHIMA ... 64 YEARS LATER!

What happened to the radiation that was supposed to last thousands of years?

Here is HIROSHIMA in 1945!

We all know that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were destroyed in August 1945 by atomic bombs.
However, most of us know very little about the progress made by the people of that land during
the past 64 years.

Here is HIROSHIMA - 64 YEARS LATER!

NOW... IN COMPARISON...

Here is DETROIT ... 64 Years later...

mediation on the first step

We admitted we were powerless over drugs and our lives have become unmanageable.

I would get a new script of Ambien or Soma and I would come up with ways I could make them last longer. I would put some in an envelope and mail it back to myself, take some out and remail it back to me again. The first experience with xanax made me feel fuzzy and soft focused, so blissful and mellow, then I would get the sugar munchies and I would eat anything sweet which was fun too. I had a secret bag of brown sugar I stashed by the couch I slept on. I would eat sugar with a spoon. Ambien made me sleep then get up and do things while asleep. I could have decided to drive somewhere and if I hadn't lived with "watchful eyes" I would have driven fucked up even though I knew one more DUI and I go to jail. My mom has the world on her shoulders and I was getting so fucked up that was frazzled to no ends. I threatened her one night and I guess I will never forget that, because I wasn't fucked up enough not remember. She grew up with mean mean drunken brothers and sisters and she was threated with her life, all her life. Now the pattern has returned with her son in the role of threatener.

I was just going to take 3 or 6 and then the bottle would be gone, I would have pissed on myself in my sleep and I would spend the next day or so looking for "stashed" pills because I just didn't believe I had taken them all. I juggled scripts and refills.

They say you can't have just one lays potato chips. I can't have just one pill. Disease takes over and I want them in mass quantities. That's the real first step to me. I know, with all the fibers of my being I have no power over pills. The cable that would allow me to take just one and leave the rest alone is not connected with me, it's like ramming a dvd into the VCR, it won't work. I liked the downers because I was trying to kill the voice inside me that still said I had a chance. The fiber, the string of life and connection to the world, would not die. It wouldn't be quieted and it wouldn't leave me alone. I never was able to take enough to make the part of me that was still human , stop reminding me that something was missing and could be found if I quit the pills.

The interesting thing was I had nearly 3 years where I didn't do drugs and I was immersed in finding spirituality, which I did. I felt great until I had a neck issue. Soma was prescribed. I took them like any good addict would and the part of me that had found peace and inspiration fell asleep instantly when I took those somas. I couldn't feel any connection at all. I went off the pills and in a month I found my peace and serenity back again. Again, I refilled the pills and this time I never got the spirituality back. It was a long months of using. I gave up and just wanted to implode. Then after a messy argument with mother and sister, I agreed to go to Brentwood.

There I made the decision that the only way I was going to have any life that I found appealing, I would have to return to a 12 step program. My counselor there told me I knew everything I needed to know to jump right into recovery and that I had insticts and intuition that was right on the money. He told me it was up to me to stop punishing myself for not being what I thought I was suppose to be. I needed to get clean, let NA remind me or teach me who I really am and why I am important to the cause of humanity. I knew NA could show me the way out of my self made misery and make something of myself that could be a benefit to others.

The first step happened to me, like a firework exploding. Suddenly I was convinced I couldn't use successfully and that any drug, will kill my sense of self, spirit and humanity. I knew I couldn't take one and figure out how to get away with it. Complete abstinence from drugs is my surest way to getting a life so great that I can't dream it up on my own, but the people in NA and the creator spirit of all that is, will match my efforts with peace and a sense of purpose and self that I couldn't even dream up for myself, let along become the dream.

4 months and no pills/downers

The testosterone treatment seems to be helping on every level. I haven't had any Soma, Ambien or Xanax in 4 months today. I haven't smoked in 2 months and I have weight watered my way through the first month. I am throwing myself into living my life and making new friends as I go. I'm in a large amount of gratitude that this really is my life.

I can't tell you how shocking it is to have a day where there doesn't seem to be enough time in it to get everything done. It's very different the prior to cleaning up the days were sooooo long.

Heaven is a place on earth.

I woke up this morning. I didn't "come to". I gently came out of my sleep and allowed my brain to orient me. I remembered I had a really great day yesterday. I took care of myself with 2 meetings, no smoking and I didn't over eat and NO DRUGS. I extended myself with truth to a trusted friend and was received lovingly. I was really "with" all the people I was actually with and I think I extended myself to a stranger. I made the most out of being a human on the 3rd rock that I could possibly be. I am proud of myself and inspired that if I do the same things today, I will wake up tomorrow and be in good position to wake up feeling like that again.

I read some inspiring notes this morning and I am filled with gratitude and hope. Those are two things that I don't come by easily. They should be the most natural things in the world to have when you are a human, like me that has so much to be thankful for. BUT, I am an addict. I see things upside down and occasionally backwards. I need other addicts to redirect my thinking on the days I simply can't find the way to peace on my own.

When I started writing music, the first thing I realized was no one can tell you you're singing a song wrong if it is your own song, truth and music your singing. I am so thankful today that I know some big truths about myself that no one can dispute. I may introduce myself to a stranger because I have been suggested to, but the connection of caring and truth is uniquely mine. Compassion is under valued in America. I know most people won't get this, but the energy that is created when I love a stranger or a friend, without expectation or motive I create a live energy that is released into the universe that feeds the source of all goodness, whatever that is, God, Buddha or a little old lady that lives in Flint Michigan who is secretly pulling all the strings.

The opposite force of love, which I think is fear will rob me of any peace, satisfaction or serenity I have when I surrender to its distrust. Fear waits for me to be dishonest and then uses my very own actions to separate me from the herd and become vulnerable. My name is Clinton Gandy. I am here for the serenity and freedom. Take my hand , we can find our way together. We can take turns being the smart one, the talented one, the pretty one until we get to the ultimate place in the heart of the universe. The place where we match calamity with serenity, despair becomes hope and peace will extinguish all fears.

My name is Clinton Gandy. I am a 42 year old human on the planet earth. I've made huge mistakes and had fantastical successes. I see, what I look for. What I focus on , expands.

Thank you for adjusting my perception yesterday. I woke up in heaven this morning.

"Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth"...............Belinda Carlisle

All in Mutha Fuckers

At this time I don't have any idea how to be in a program of recovery except to push all my chips into the pot and go all in. It proves the quickest way for me to get relief and the huge benefits I have, I am, and I will receive. Emerson in the directions t o a new way of life quickly makes me feel better. Makes me feel a part of rather than apart. I really, honestly don't know how to do this without going ,"All in! Mutha Fuckers". I'm here for the renovation and redemption. I am in this recycling program because I'm tired of the secret ache and the slow bleed.