Your Life can only change once.

You life will only change when you die. Not when you fall in love or win the lottery. At best those things will alter aspects of your life but NOTHING WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE ONLY YOUR PERCEPTIONS ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

When my perspective was changed I viewed the things that fill up my life differently. In the past when my perspective wavered I hadn't had enough practice in waiting it out, I would think it was always going to be this way. Unmanageable parts of my life constituted my whole exisitence. I know better now.

What you do for work is not your life, who you love is not your life, even your kids are not your life-they leave with lives of their own.

The only way to get to a new perspective if you don't have some spiritual intervention is to expose yourself to really good ideas, as many and as often as you can.

My life hasn't changed much in five years, but I don't want to die anymore simply to stop the pain of living all because I work hard and am willing to see it all differently. The way I see it.

When I saw that more than twenty people had checked out this blog I really just felt in the mood to share the "meat and potatoes" of it.

I know that someone sometime will stumble across this if they are suppose to and I want you to know a few things that have tripped me up my whole life. Don't love anything that can't love you back, Spotting the train before it hits you doesn't make it hurt less or less dead. Worry is useless. No one is having a life exactly like yours. Perfect looking people kill themselves ever day, so ugly isn't a free pass to misery. Religion solves nothing. People aren't perfect. Damaged people damage other people and they never should have cancelled Knot's Landing.


You can pay several thousand dollars to experience what it is like to be weightless. How much would a dog pay to experience of having hands and fingers. It is a horrible shame to be here and not remember to experience it all.

My goal for this year was to live bigger, to be a bigger human and I have. Ebbish/flowish. I've made new friends, showed up in my life and said yes when things felt right if new things were presented to me.

I'll be 42 in two weeks and I have learned how to maneuver in heavy traffic and live to tell the tell.

I haven't driven over a bridge and wondered if it was big enough to die in in years. That is freedom.


This post was approved by Clinton gandy

You won't find what your looking for here.

I clicked on a link this morning and the error message said "You won't find what your looking for here"

I didn't.

i am so excited, I feel like a kid waiting for christmas

My ticket came in the mail today. I need to buy a bag of good socks and a pair of jeans. I'm trying to take the minimum. There are people who have to have a lot of things in order to be happy and I find the less stuff I have the happier I am. I even prefer to live in very small spaces. I had a 300sf apt once that I loved so much because it was like a little cave.

I think I am on top of everything leading up to North Carolina.

I bought my ticket

It's really happening. I have lined up a job a think. A pretty good one. I feel like a Volvo has been lifted off my shoulders.

glad to be me, glad to be at a high level than a few years ago.

I felt something shift inside while driving today. My trip to NC suddenly went from something I was planning to do , to something I felt certain I was doing.  I was later reminded that this mysterious universe has a way of making things happen for you when you do your part in the equation.  I don't have one specific thing I am compelled to want or to do in my future. I just know that I am a survivor. I am clever as the day is long and I have unique things to bring to the table that no one else can bring. I have told friends that I felt like a bear with a foot in a steel claw trap with regards to trying to grow and move on when those I love aren't interested in those things.  Turns out, I'm the only one with the key to the trap and its up to me to free myself.

Sorting it out for yourself.

I go to a game room and it's a small place. All the players know each other. Lots of very different personalities. This one lady has caused a lot of trouble with starting untrue rumors and other antisocial stunts. I heard to ladies next to me talking about her and I was compelled to carefully inject my opinion into their talk. I told them that I agree the girl has been a nightmare, but when assessing her right to be on the planet I told them that I know when I am in fear I often do or say things I wish I could undo. The instigator lady has no kidney function and does the treatment 3 times a week.

One of them got my point, the other continued on with outrage and shock at the young woman.

The fact that I can recognize that there are underlying reasons why we do what we do makes me feel like I am getting somewhere in the whole being human thing. It also makes me handle myself more kindly when I do things to masc the trouble inside.

What did I do to get this lucky? lol

I don't know what website sold me out but in the last 2 days I have won at least 30 million dollars I didn't even buy a ticket or a chance to win. lol I have never gotten much spam since I divorced Aol years ago but I have had an influx of very clever emails informing me that, well, I am so rich I could pay someone to type this out now.

I feel very fit emotionally today. I don't really understand how nothing has to change in order to for something to click and feel better but sometimes it just does. I even got a few things up on Ebay this morning to earn some extra money for my quest next month.

Words that I cringe at

First of all, the word "organic" is driving me crazy. I have friends that mention they only buy "organic" and I just want to laugh in their face. It is a bigger fad than pet rocks and in five or ten years it will be just as big a joke, BUT, if they need organic to feel like they have some control over pesticides in their life I guess I'm glad its work.

The other word I am in dislike with is "TRUTH". Even if it is for real for them, I don't know how actors talk about acting and looking for "THE TRUTH", without doubling over in embarrassment. I just got an email for a lady who is sort of a spiritualist. I visited her page a couple of times and her message for the month was all about "Truths" to her. When that word is used it just sounds like people are trying to make what they say have sound more important to others.

I absolutely know, in terms of recognizing something that is real or works for me, when I hear or see it. My perspective and understanding varies on where I am in life and frankly where I am at that day.

I'm not really sure why I was compelled to mention this. I just know, I won't use the word organic because I'm sick to death of it. If I use the word "Truth", I'll just have to make sure there isn't a word in the out there that could substitue for it. What I have seen of "The Truth" from others is often frightening. People seem to get opinion and truth confused.

Getting out of the hotseat

I've always done best when I know longer have a choice about something. Sometimes it is situational and some time pain forces me to do things. A couple of months ago I realized that I felt like October 31 was going to be the day I shot for with regards to where I live. After the meltdown this weekend I finally made up my mind that yes, that date is indeed the "make a change" day.

You know that old saying "Leap of Faith", well I haven't leaped I have been pushed.

Living with frustration is abusurd. I really can't believe I have been in this loop for so long. I have such an overwhelming fear of not being perfect that I get paralyzed pretty easily.

I also can't believe I would rather seriously live under a bridge than stay with anyone who tries to micro manage me. I can't bear to explain myself any more. As miserable as all this has felt it is such a great to outgrow your shell. I have never heard if it is painful for crabs and snails when they leave the old shell while the new one grows but I am molting as I type.

At this point, 4 weeks from my 42nd birthday, I really feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain-like a real life.

Sometimes I wonder what is fixable and what isn't

On a long drive home tonight I was thinking about how there isn't much if anything I am attached to. I don't have one single thing that if taken away would bother me for long. Years ago I figured out that in order to value anything you have to first have self value.

I also don't think I've ever had anything possession wise that I felt I couldn't or would rather not do without. At one time my tv would have been one thing but I'm not attached to any programs like I used to be.

I'm sure once I thought it was a way of not getting hurt or not being vulnerable. A friend of mine was mortified a few years ago when my dog just "up and died" and I didn't grieve the way he thought I should. I've lost a lot of crap, pawned a lot of crap I never went back for and had many acquaintances that left over night and never missed them for more than a fleeting moment.

I just wonder if people who hoard know something I don't?

I want the full human experience and I wonder am I missing something and if so is it fixable.