How I got this way

I was doing some laundry earlier today and it triggered one of those full body flashbacks that if termed a memory, is sadly understated. I was folding a towel and I was 6 years old again. Hoping to surprise my mother I folded the basket full of towels. Instead of the response I was hoping for she said I folded them wrong. I was really disappointed. The same thing happened when I tried to do dishes. Instead of acknowledging what I had tried to do for her, she washed them again herself. Without saying the words "your not capable", i was imprinted with my house keeping and activities of daily living were not good enough. I was sub-par and flawed. I never do dishes at her house because she will wash them again anyway.

Her eye goes to the flaw, the fly in the ointment automatically. I responded to that critical eye with sort of giving up. Soon that "I am not good enough" filtered in to most every part of my life. I have only been in real love once, and that was very early in my 20's. I have all these walls built up in my head that want to me believe and stay unlovable because I am so flawed.

It is a meme, or several stacked on top of each other.

Would I be a different person in a different place, probably not. Would it be easier to push past the border if I weren't around the people that prefer me broken and submissive, yes.

I have told several family members I am "this" close to moving in with the street people because I am so frustrated me trying to change and family not. I don't know if they thought I was serious or not but I am. I saw a friend show up to group one night in Dallas with his suitcase. He couldn't take his partner any more and he said, I will live on the street before I spend another night with you.


I understand now.

I haven't had the experience of euphoria in a long time. That "God, I am so happy to be alive in this moment" I've tried to manufacture it if various ways but no avail.

I'm bored, frustrated and needing a jolt of life at the moment. This too shall pass. Meanwhile I'll be eating and acting as if.

Showing up

I saw a quote by the Julie of "Julie and Julia" and she said the Julia child presented her with unknown doors of possibility. What a great thing to say about someone. I forget how much I love possibilities because my head wants to say, "oh, you have seen this before and this is how it will turn out." I don't use the word miracles much because it is so steeped in religious crap but I have noticed that people who experience one, are looking for it.

I've been sort of half living lately and I am stuck in between wanting different and not figuring out the first step to make it happen. I am going to alaska to see the lights and the dark. I don't expect to be anyone else once I get there, I just want to experience those natural phenoms in more than a tourist way.

I walked past a mirror today and my arm and my elbow caught my attemtion. It was was on of those "YOU R HERE", moments because I actually looked at my arm and thought this is your arm. I've often wondered if I was shown a picture of peoples backs would I reckognize mine. If the hair was covered I 'm not so sure I would recognize myself. I want to be more connected and that begins by paying more attention to my being.

I know some people don't have this "significance" to self and they do great. Sometimes I wish I was one of the folks who don't look for the meaning beneath the chaos, then I think, Jesus Christ that person is boring.

How a civilation treats it's sick and needy defines the Civilation's right to exist on the planet of life

I hope the dumbasses that voted for this dumbass feel the pain they have inflicted on others, either in this life or the existence beyond.
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With Line-Item Vetoes, Schwarzenegger Wipes Out CA AIDS Services
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a revised budget in the amount of $85 million after "additional cuts to child welfare programs, health care for the poor and AIDS prevention efforts."
Rex Wockner says the Governator "decimated" AIDS services. He explains:
"Although the cuts curtailed state funding for HIV-related education (an 80% cut), prevention (80% cut), counseling (70% cut), testing (70%), primary medical care (50%), home care (50%) and housing (20%), one cut stood out in particular: the termination of all funding for the Office of AIDS' Therapeutic Monitoring Program. For some 35,000 working- and middle-class Californians whose HIV care is paid for by the state, that program pays for viral-load testing and drug-resistance testing. Viral-load testing is mandatory in HIV care, as it is the only way to determine if a particular HIV drug cocktail is working in a given patient. Drug-resistance testing comes into play when a drug cocktail that had been working stops working in a given patient. The two types of testing together guide a doctor in getting a patient on a new drug cocktail so the patient's viral load again becomes undetectable. Patients whose viral load is undetectable are very unlikely to develop deadly HIV-related opportunistic infections, and they are dramatically less infectious than those whose virus is not suppressed."

Learning to live again after dying.

From the time I was 15 or 16 until six years ago I was a singer, a country singer. One day I went to rehearsal with a band I was singing with and the rehearsal leader told me I could perform so many slow songs. Truth is I am a balladeer. I only learned 3 or 4 up tempo songs in my 20 year career. They don't have any emotion punch to them. So I left rehearsal and never sang again.

Partly because I was burnt out but mainly because the kind of music I felt like singing did not fit into the available venues. Plus being a gay man in the country western genre was hard. I put on this character that I felt they could get into and tried to be someone I wasn't singing songs I could feel connected too and getting through the God aweful uptempo songs I had to do to play their reindeer games.

A dear friend has politely pressured me to sing again for my friends and families enjoyment. I agreed and next tuesday I will make noise into a microphone for the first time in years. This time I am just going to be me singing songs that move me. I am also going to the recording studio sometime soon and record myself singing the songs I've always been moved to sing. I love old cabaret standards like "Moonlight in Vermont" and "That's all" and I may even do my tribute to some Broadway ballads and show stoppers.

I wish I had the self esteem and enlightment to do it before. But you know, sometimes things just take a while to get ripe.

Simply making the decision to do it made me feel freedom from old ideas, in this one istance I know that what I think about me is more important than what others think about me. I was so many things to so many people I walked around expecting to be called out an imposter at any moment. It is a miserable way not to live a life. I guess I really felt that I was so inherently wrong I need to hide behind a character I thought would be more likeable than my own.

I am very exciting I got to this point and I will let you know how it all turns out.

Figuring this out on with no manual

I just figured out something that everyone else may already no, but it is amazing to me. When a person makes a decision based on their intuition, it suddenly takes results or outcome out of the picture. When a person is ok with their decision, if it doesn't work out ideally there is little to no regret.

I have always been paralyzed when faced with making a decision because I was certain I would be devastated when the remorse or regret came.

This is applicable in every area of my life at the moment. I didn't know it was possible to be this ok with choosing to roll the dice and let what ever happens happen. I feel very empowered by this phenomenon.

To be or not to be...............

I am at the spot where it is time to commit to change and roll with it or get used to the teeth of the trap around my ankle that keeps me bound here. When your dealing with the compulsion to do it perfect, real progress is hard because it rarely goes smooth and you often end up on your ass. I know that my inability to make a move in live is affecting the only two people I love and that doesn't feel good at all. Change is constant, possible and eminent.

I wish I had volumes to write tonight. I wish I was in the loop where I just "get stuff". I'm not though. It will be back just not tonight. Goodnight.

lighter side.

There is some magic that happens betweent the moment I pay for something online whether it be Ebay or a phone store. In the 7 to 14 days it takes to get my purchase it stops being a purchase all together and I find myself stalking the road side mailbox through the living room curtains for PRESENTS in the mail. Gifts, presents, loot, call it what you will they aren't items I paid for anymore. Sometimes fabulosity intervenes and more than one thing arrives on the same day at the same delivery time. Frankly, it beats any Christmas I remember from being a kid. Even one of the items is utilitarian and has no fun value, it still releases those feel good hormones when the postman lingers to long and starts the walk to the garage. If I could just get him to have sex and bring me a pizza along with my Chi hair straightener(for my stepmom), random computer item and 240 pair of slightly flawed cottonlike athletic socks made in Pakistan my life would be pretty damn good.

It is both fun and necessary for me to plant seeds of possible happiness/enjoyment. Sending something goofy to a friend in a letter or package makes me happy whether they enjoy it or not. My favorite is when they get a kick out of it and pass it on to someone they know would get a kick out it too.

I have real stuff to get down on the blog but I am going in search of saturday fun.

Damn Reality, its so well,,,,well real.

So I am cruising along thinking I'm all spiritual and near walking on water and levitating and reality gobsmacks me. Whether you made the decision to stuff frustration or do it subconsciously it will, with out a doubt demand attention at some point.



After a mini-meltdown and a major family blow up sparked by me I am left with the questions, how do I strain these experiences and get useful info out of it to live a more balanced life, and how to cut a brake line so it looks like normal wear.

Please Wait, Processing lol

I remember when home computers were new and every so often you would get a prompt pop up saying "Please Wait, Processing". That is what I am doing. I should have something worth sharing with the blogasphere in a couple of days.

Big Ideas Coming in Steadily from The Eastern Front.

I so so happy last month to find out a name for the messages in my head that keep me from fully realizing the moment. Memes to simplify the meaning, are messages that were imprinted on our brains as children that taunt us and cause the meme infected person to replay the coaching prompting messages/memes to spread and sabotage being successful at being present.

I was driving this morning and had one of those little shifts in thought and consciousness when I saw the importantance of not letting fear fill so much space up in both my mind and spirit. For new stuff to be installed you have to let go of the crap that is filling up that space now. An Eastern truth I read is that a bowl is only useful when it is empty and can be filled.

It wasn't talking about one thorough emptying and filling but constantly making room for more life to fill me.

I saw this cactus picture of just a regular prickly cactus covered in fantastical blossoms. It is in the desert and no one tends it and it is existing just as it should because I don't think it thinks or has memes or "tapes" to cause it to question itself about it's ability to push those delicate flowers out of itself. It's atoms just bounce around unobstructed and fullfills the preset function of operation.

This is what can happen if we clean out the memes and other peoples ideas of what our 70 years are suppose to be like here on "The Big Blue"

As soon as I finish here I am going to email a friend and seek like me to thank him for presenting the first alternative that felt right that started to chip away at someone elses idea of spirituality that had been imprinted on me. The book was by Betty J. Eadie and it wasn't so much what it contained word wise, but it gave me my real first taste of "they might be wrong", and that possibility probably saved me from dying from religion.