To be or not to be...............

I am at the spot where it is time to commit to change and roll with it or get used to the teeth of the trap around my ankle that keeps me bound here. When your dealing with the compulsion to do it perfect, real progress is hard because it rarely goes smooth and you often end up on your ass. I know that my inability to make a move in live is affecting the only two people I love and that doesn't feel good at all. Change is constant, possible and eminent.

I wish I had volumes to write tonight. I wish I was in the loop where I just "get stuff". I'm not though. It will be back just not tonight. Goodnight.

lighter side.

There is some magic that happens betweent the moment I pay for something online whether it be Ebay or a phone store. In the 7 to 14 days it takes to get my purchase it stops being a purchase all together and I find myself stalking the road side mailbox through the living room curtains for PRESENTS in the mail. Gifts, presents, loot, call it what you will they aren't items I paid for anymore. Sometimes fabulosity intervenes and more than one thing arrives on the same day at the same delivery time. Frankly, it beats any Christmas I remember from being a kid. Even one of the items is utilitarian and has no fun value, it still releases those feel good hormones when the postman lingers to long and starts the walk to the garage. If I could just get him to have sex and bring me a pizza along with my Chi hair straightener(for my stepmom), random computer item and 240 pair of slightly flawed cottonlike athletic socks made in Pakistan my life would be pretty damn good.

It is both fun and necessary for me to plant seeds of possible happiness/enjoyment. Sending something goofy to a friend in a letter or package makes me happy whether they enjoy it or not. My favorite is when they get a kick out of it and pass it on to someone they know would get a kick out it too.

I have real stuff to get down on the blog but I am going in search of saturday fun.

Damn Reality, its so well,,,,well real.

So I am cruising along thinking I'm all spiritual and near walking on water and levitating and reality gobsmacks me. Whether you made the decision to stuff frustration or do it subconsciously it will, with out a doubt demand attention at some point.



After a mini-meltdown and a major family blow up sparked by me I am left with the questions, how do I strain these experiences and get useful info out of it to live a more balanced life, and how to cut a brake line so it looks like normal wear.

Please Wait, Processing lol

I remember when home computers were new and every so often you would get a prompt pop up saying "Please Wait, Processing". That is what I am doing. I should have something worth sharing with the blogasphere in a couple of days.

Big Ideas Coming in Steadily from The Eastern Front.

I so so happy last month to find out a name for the messages in my head that keep me from fully realizing the moment. Memes to simplify the meaning, are messages that were imprinted on our brains as children that taunt us and cause the meme infected person to replay the coaching prompting messages/memes to spread and sabotage being successful at being present.

I was driving this morning and had one of those little shifts in thought and consciousness when I saw the importantance of not letting fear fill so much space up in both my mind and spirit. For new stuff to be installed you have to let go of the crap that is filling up that space now. An Eastern truth I read is that a bowl is only useful when it is empty and can be filled.

It wasn't talking about one thorough emptying and filling but constantly making room for more life to fill me.

I saw this cactus picture of just a regular prickly cactus covered in fantastical blossoms. It is in the desert and no one tends it and it is existing just as it should because I don't think it thinks or has memes or "tapes" to cause it to question itself about it's ability to push those delicate flowers out of itself. It's atoms just bounce around unobstructed and fullfills the preset function of operation.

This is what can happen if we clean out the memes and other peoples ideas of what our 70 years are suppose to be like here on "The Big Blue"

As soon as I finish here I am going to email a friend and seek like me to thank him for presenting the first alternative that felt right that started to chip away at someone elses idea of spirituality that had been imprinted on me. The book was by Betty J. Eadie and it wasn't so much what it contained word wise, but it gave me my real first taste of "they might be wrong", and that possibility probably saved me from dying from religion.

Another one bites the dust.

I've had a friend for about 13 years who lives not too far from. He is really my only telephone buddy especially late night. A year and a half ago he lost his must beloved mother then later his only sister. In such a short time I have seen him move people in that he wouldn't have spoken to if they were on the street. He is such a snob but his pain and him not knowing what to do with it has cost him everything. One of the hustlers introduced him to the joys of crack cocaine and he has spent thousands and thousands on street trash and crack.

I made him promise if he didn't have food to let me know. He called and I brought him some food and I was shocked and devasted at his appearance. I didn't know a living human could turn that color of dark moss green and he has lost so much weight I seriously would not have recognized him out in the store or somewhere other than his apt. I didn't stay but a moment he had a "guest" in his bedroom and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Yesterday him phone was cut off.

He is the fourth friend, who in the 50's found the time to become a crack addict. All four of them also thought they were "in love" with the 20 something that brought the crack into their world.

I can safely say it will never be me because I don't like any stimulant. I won't even take the daytime cold stuff because i hate the amped up feeling. Now, I totally could see me getting hooked on some heavy downer at that age, but I love to sleep now.

The common thread among my friends is that they were so desperately lonely they lowered their standards to find someone anyone to love them.

The friend that lives close to me is the most tender hearted person I ever met though his acid tounge would lead you to believe differently. We all find ways to cover our vulnerability though.

I don't have any nice little wrap up for this post except for it hurts to love a trainweck and that damaged people damage other people, whether they mean to or not.

YOU ARE HERE.

When I was little I was fascinated with the maps that Six Flags and Malls displayed behind glass that had big arrows saying "YOU ARE HERE!" In some ways I guess it was comforting to be able to tell where I was fitting in on the broad canvas representing a location that was large enough to get lost in.

In my adulthood, or later adulthood, I still like to have those moments when I realize, "I am here!" I have many different things that can do that for me that I would call my "go to" touchtones. Things that get me out of my head and off the hamster wheel of thought can let me restart an entire day as far as I how I feel. I can interact with my dog and it brings me back to center. It is completely my choice if I let the chatter start back up afterwards. Sometimes it doesn't stick on the first try. I have read that some people will smell their kids heads to bring themselves into reality and let them stop fighting the monsters of fear, guilt or anger in their heads. The catch is you have to be willing to make the switch.

I read a figure this morning that the average human life has 25,000 mornings. That is 25,000 chances to start all over again if we can let yesterday be yesterday and tomorrow be tomorrow.

I really want that! I'm made some progress but there are still things that pop into my head to feel remorse or contempt over. A great piece of powerful advice I was given once is, " Clinton, your are not responsible for the thoughts that pop into your head, but you don't have to pour them a drink and entertain them".

One of the hardest things I have had to learn is to become an observer of what chatter is being broadcast in my head. The second hardest thing for me to learn is how to stop them or jump tracks so I don't give all my energy to them.

A thought has measureable energy. Anything I spend time "thinking" about I am providing the thing real live detectible energy. My doc likes what Oprah said about this phenomenon, "What you focus on expands". So if I focus on fearful things they get bigger, if I focus on anger, it enlarges til it consumes me. I am also pulling into my life things that reflect what I focus on.

The very cool numbers on a human life I found this morning we.

We live an average of 657,000 thousand hours.

We have 25,000 mornings to wake up.

155,000 people die on an average day in the world.

Normally, I don't pay attention to stats or numbers. Maybe if they were sequinned or colored I would care more, but either way you look at the first two sets of numbers, I am half way done.

I really am focusing on what experience I would like to have in my remaining roughly 14,000 hours. The one thing I am deadly sure of is I don't want to spend those hours feeling guilty of stuff that happened so long ago that I am the only one who even remembers it and I don't want to live my life collecting resentment and nursing contempt or anger. I want to live this portion freely and compassionately.

When the day comes to exit to wherever, I just want to know that I have fully researched how great it is to be a human on the blue planet, embracing the spectrum of all the pain and the bliss.

A note from my friend Angela this afternoon

Will You Dance With Me?

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you? How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living- room carpet... We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit. 'When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.. My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now...goon and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you. Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi? When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over. It's National Friendship Week..Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. To those I have sent this to.. I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do. 'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!

Test post from my email

Seeing iff I am even close to figure this out.

Committing without Fear.

Back in the 90's I was obsessed with figure skating. I was a fan before the Kerrigan/Harding kerfuffle but it certainly increased my attention afterwards. I was playing softball with a bunch of other gay men my age and we decided we would take ice skating lessons at the Plaza of The America's. We found enough guys from the team to form our own class so it was just the people I knew on the ice with me.

I had never skated before but I had no doubt at all that I would be "sit spinning" and "triple lutzing" in no time. While the others were hanging on to the rails I was skating along and even figured out how to skate backwards. The tedious instruction of the basic principles board me to death. When the teacher told us to take the ice and practice what we just learned, I saw this as my chance to get going real fast and try a big ole jump. I picked up speed, the cold air rushed across my face. I was Michelle Kwan. I was Scott Hamiliton. I pushed off with my legs and landed like a Roadmast Buick flat on my chest. It completely knocked the air out of my lungs and miraculously I managed to keep my chin from being opened wide up by the hard cold ice.

After that on ice catastrophe I was so filled with the fear of pain on the ice I found myself joining my friends practically still holding the side rails. I started to dread the lesson and I quit.

There have been countless things in my life where I have excelled in before I knew to be afraid.

I have lost 100 pounds twice, 70 lbs twice and 40 pounds more times than I could could. It just never occured to me that is was suppose to freak me out with such a large number to lose. It never occured to me that I couldn't do it. Losing for me is way easy compared to keeping it off.

In most sports, racing and even rodeoing, to pause because of a flash of fear can actually be deadly. My mother will start to pull out on the highway and then stop abruptly many times putting her (and ME!) in danger of being hit.

All these things just drive home the point to me of committing and not second guessing myself into the loonie bend. Ordering anything that I had to choose from a menu was torture, fearing it would not be enough, it wouldn't be as good as the other choices or that I would end up wishing I had ordered what someone else ordered.

Today, after 15 or more years of looking inward and fucking up plenty, I'm learning more and more to commit and let go of the results or make peace with the possible consequence. Commit with out fear. I am flinging myself at life on earth and I will deal with results as they happen because anticipating the worst just puts me out of play for another day.

Today I would ice skate again without crazy fear of falling. BUT BUT BUT, I wouldn't try any crazy jumps because it looked so cool on tv. (Unless I relapsed on alcohol or xanax) But that is another entry for another day.

I have one or two folks in my life who aren't going anywhere, that if I give them opportunity they will let me know why something is a bad idea or how I will fail. I love them and that is just the way they are, but what I think trumps what everyone else things. Start looking and you will see people all around that are succeeding at things just because it never crossed their mind they wouldn't. Toddlers just get up and walk one day, some crawl first and some just get up and get on about it. Because they weren't made aware that failure was a viable option. lol