Ok, so I had a neck doctor appointment this morning and had to weigh. I'm sure I could have avoided the numbers all together but I asked what it was. I've lost 21 pounds on their scale. That's good enough in 5 or 6 weeks. I haven't starved although I have had to really fight the urge just to quiet eating and go faster.
He told in-depth about smoking ( insurance now pays them 12dollars) a patient to sell the patient on quitting.
I listened to his pitch but I didn't really comment. He was trying to play to the part in me that is suppose to want to do anything for another day or year on the planet. I didn't bother to tell him the history of me not being officially tied to my life on this plane. I would to love to be one of those folks scanning the health food store for anything potion , powder or inject-able to live a little longer. My goal, honestly is to scrap, punch and fight for 5 more minutes of life when the reaper comes. I hope I get to feel that desperation for more time, but it just doesn't connect to me now. I love my life, i love my friends, i love my recovery but I don't believe for a minute THIS is all there is. Maybe it is a reservation that I have about living in general. If don't I admit I want it , it won't hurt if it is taken away. I don't know, I will just keep living, changing and being willing to try on new ideas.