Saturday, April 9, 2011

Falling in to myself

I"m around a lot of young people. One thing that I have discovered  is that  the merits of growing older more than make up the things we leave behind to our youth. I was ask to go with a young person for a weekend retreat of sorts and I was going to go as a part of my push to get out of my comfort zone and live bigger. The planning though was sort of ramshackled and I realized, that if I am going to go somewhere, I need for my own peace of mind a general idea of when I'm actually departing and where I might actually be sleeping, and when I might reasonably expect to sleep. lol

Since geting clean every single day is an exploration of what it feels like to be in a a 43 year old body that for all intense and purposes has topped the peak. Weird allergies, neck and headaches, a foot that seems to get tired quicker than the other are just a few of the notations on my daily inventory of noticeable wears and tears. I'm full blown addict with regards to my thinking and feeling, everything is deep and everything is full frontal. I could easily be eaten back up with emotions and chaos if I didn't have a program and I wasn't of an age where I can balance my present against the experience I have had on the planet.

. The greatest benefit of being over 40 is I'm NOT under 30.

The first time I had a therapist who learned my story told me that I was a survivor. At first it had no meaning to me but now I do clearly see that when put in the situation that I could not possibly prepare for, odds are I really could manage to find my way out. A bonus I realized is, it doesn't have to be pretty either. You don't always have to look good when your saving your very ass. Save your ass and your pretty pretty face will follow.

I don't think the day will ever come again when a broken heart or unrequited love would make me think of ending it all. I don't have a the romantic fervor of a young person and I am GRATEFUL.

I know now, it's just as much or maybe more exciting to be a valued member of the team than to be the goddamn star. Look what we did is way more fulfilling than "LOOK WHAT I DID".

Celebrate progress. I'm learning both in recovery and in my 40's to celebrate the perspective shifts. When I see something in a completely new light, or see something from someone elses point of view I know that I am open and I am not only capable of change, but I am changing. I know old people. I know old people who haven't changed their minds in 20 years about anything. It makes it hard to like them sometimes. Living a life that doesn't contain room to evolve in thought and spirit is like a sad paralysis and it's very very unfulfilling. World history is clear, things that don't adapt die.

I've always been sort of embarrassed by the fact I don't have this overwhelming urge to live til I am a hundred. I don't have a burning desire for a long live. Maybe it comes from feeling so much devastating pain in my spirit so early on, but I will tell you want I want. I WANT  on my last day of life, whether that be today or 40 years from now, I want to have a life filled with so many people and so much love that I leave this world fighting for one more day, one more hour even one more minute. So I've to to get busy. I've got a big life that's only a quarter full of stuff I would find death for , for one more day.

I said the first real prayer the other day I've said in a few years. I asked that I be granted a life that I would fight death for.

Now, I ask you, is that to much to ask for ? lol

2 comments:

Katie said...

Clinton, I love you in the most spiritual way. Your blog made me cry this a.m. and I realized that I also want to live more, not necessarily longer. I've been sort of forced into it...hmmmm, maybe it was meant to be...with moving in with my two brothers into my family's old historical homeplace, because my life is much fuller now. Anyway, I'm thankful for it.

Clinton Gandy said...

I detached so early and withdrew from simply trying to manage the crazy and sad inside that at 43 I don't know much about what really "does it fore me". I know to speak openly and honestly with others moves me like nothing else and I know that color and anything that sparkles sort of mesmerizes me like a cat. My neighbor with cancer has that kind of life, she's fighting. I feel guilty when I see her because I'm not.