I don't know the exact time , but it was early. I quit letting my family know what brought me joy because it was an effort to protect my heart. Somewhere, denying things interested me, made me happy, brought me joy in an act of self preservation, I stopped having things that interested me, made me happy or brought me joy. Those things were roped up with the red velvet curtains and I stood behind the ropes and forgot they once meant something to me. I have assumed it was a great quality that I wasn't burdened down with chasing things to own or possess, today the curtain has been held back and part of the reason my life is so flat and empty is because I gave up and having things, because I thought it made me vulnerable to pain. You have something to hurt me with when you know I love something.
This stuff is so deep and so tangled that I honestly don't see how it is possible to salvage anytime I have left and possibly "get a life I would fight death for , for just one day more".