IT's not depression. I swear. Just feelings from 25 years ago sometime bubble up.

Has something ever came out of your mouth, words that you speak to someone and for no reason you feel like you are going to burst into tears? My dog has an ear infection and I put his medicine in his ear, someone in the house told me to medicine in his ear and I said I had and that "It will feel better tomorrow". I don't know if that phrase was something I heard as a child or something I needed to hear as a kid. Either way, I felt a wave of emotion when I said it and the tone or the vibration of saying released something. It was surprising but nice and a little scary. I'm not good with the mushy feelings. The tone and the words unlocked something for just a split second and I wasn't fast enough to get a good look inside.

Time marches on.

I have to tell a funny one on myself. In 2001 I got a letter in the mail from the county clerks office 6 months earlier when officers took me to have blood drawn at Good Shepard. I was in such a stupor in general when that letter came I didn't open it for days. When I finally opened it is said I was charged with driving under the influence. So from that point on, going to the mail box has been something I do with trepidation. So yesterday, I opened the box and the was a thin thin letter from Department of Public safety. Even though it was 11 and a half years later, I got that same feeling of "What the fuck is this and what have I done I have forgotten about" Sweating and woozy I ripped the envelope over picturing saying good by my friends. The letter said , "Mr. Gandy this is just a reminder that your license will expire in October on your birthday. The price for renewal is 25.00." I've had the same drivers photo is 1998 because I just renewed online. I look nothing like my photo with naturally dark hair and a look of optimism about the face that hasn't been seen since my early thirties. lol Seriously, I thought I was head to the big house, the joint, the big EZEE wait, that's New Orleans.

You get what u need.

Today was the first day, the first real day I was obsessed with food. From the moment I woke up my head was trying to write recipes for the day. I had to pull out all the stops but I managed not to reach for food as medicine for a bum attitude. Getting through the day without cratering to my obsessive thoughts means more to me than the fact I am coming in UNDER  my point block. Another matter to throw me off, all the fruit I like to eat has a high acidic level and my tongue is sort of blistered. I have a points for after dinner food and then I am going to bed. I"m going to try to journal/blog a bit and maybe get myself more centered, as the great 70's diet book says, "It's what eating you, not what you are eating". lol  I also think I have a skewed image in my head at what roughly 2 months looks like and I am not coming up the the imaginary level of loss I believe exist.  I am very thankful this is in fact far from my first trip to the rodeo and I do know a little more this time, mostly I know , if you keep doing what you have been doing, you're gonna keep getting what you already had and didn't want. I don't want to go backwards, so i commit to learning to live with going forward and feeling awkward. You dig?

one in , one out.

My friend has had  her baby on the day that her aunt is to be buried. It doesn't take a giant of observation to notice that there is something fantastic, huge, spiritual about a soul making an exit and one making an entrance. I am so comforted in my spirit of the fact that life goes on and a spirit leaving this plane is just as exciting and inspiring as the one coming to planning. The finish is just as spectacular as the start.What you choose to fill your life with  while your here decides your overall experience.
What are the words, the sounds the actions you use when you interact with a love one. While yelling may make you feel better at the time, it does not convey your point any better than softer tones would. You do not yell at people you love, ever. We have to treat the people with love with love otherwise the message comes out garbled and we have passed on the terrible directions on what love looks like, what love sounds like.

One soul exits and all the possibilities end, one soul enters and a whole new book is opened to blank pages that will be filled with it's own storehouse of what is possible..

I'm just moved that I am allowed to see it unfold. Thank you for giving me the gift of "sight'.

levity

A lady wrote in favor of my letter. yeah!

Regarding Clinton Gandy’s commentary (Saturday Forum, Saturday):

Thank you so much for thought-provoking and intelligent commentary on “Obamacare.”

Many of my friends and I have discussed some of the same points you have written about so well. There are many of us who feel the way you do but have not known how to find our voices. I believe there are many compassionate, caring people who need to hear more about this point of view. Could this article be sent out to every church leader and every government official? Could this viewpoint be broadcast on local and national TV? I will be sending this to the producers of national TV shows who may be interested in presenting these ideas to a larger audience.

Thank you Longview News-Journal, and thank you, Mr. Gandy.

The paper printed my letter

I got a call from a stranger thanking me for putting into words what he couldn't. I put two and two together and figured out they ran my letter to the editor. I was washed with fear instantly , the same feeling when someone tried to tell me what I did in a black out. I was sober for the letter though, and I hope it makes sense to other's besides me.
http://www.news-journal.com/opinion/

Changes are popping up everywhere.

I've taken some sort of spiritual or psychic upgrade and I see my life completely different than just two days ago. To a certain exctent I have been acting like there are thinks about my circumstances that can't be changed. So I try to find peace inside these to bumper rails. This isn't it, there is more to come and suddenly changes do not seem as impossible. Do you or I , understand that there are very few things that can't be changed, and those can be adapted.  I caught the briefest , quickest glimpse at my possibility and I want more. lol It's a story that has never been told the way my life can tell it. I saw a friend who is quite sick, and their face had the tell tale signs of approaching an exit from this plane, and I was so caught off guard and I was filled with panic, and even my instinct said retreat, I felt my arm reaching forward to caress their face. Even as I type this I have goose bumps. The human side freaked out but my spirit reached to love that face. That is is the crazy part of being a human being. When I had my spiritual experience and my spirit separated from my ego, the spirit directs me most of the time unless I think I am going lose something I have or not get something I want. The human side may get caught up in the awkwardness of fear, but I know what spirit sounds like, and he doesn't sound the same as fear. I love it when I feel god working through me.  I used to love the prayer when I was a big AA going, that asked "Make me a vessel".  I realize fully today, I'm a spirit having a human experience and I'm grateful that our found my way to to the Source.
The part that reached  for my sick friends face, that little connection of spirit, was the thing I tried so hard to kill off. It remained and  as hard as I tried, I couldn't break free of it. I couldn't ignore it, I couldn't drink or drug it away. It was my connection to a power greater than me and now I am grateful I didn't get my way.

Powerless

I've gained so much weight. I had lost 40 and gained back 60 in a matter of a handful of months. There is a part of me that thinks I should harness that hatred as some sort of fucked up dieting fuel but I know it wouldn't work. The fact is when I look in the mirror , I see a reflection of someone I have warm feelings for and I don't want to punish myself as some sort of bullying mother figure who hates her kid is the fat boy of the class.

I know that I have found a way to use the 12 Step Group to stop using drugs and to love myself more, now I have to figure out how to plug over eating or eating to medicate moments I don't want to be here. It works on all addictions not just pills, booze, or sex. So, this food addiction, eating to make the brain chemicals that make me feel safe and worm is killing me and I have to stop before I reach 4 hundred pounds. So I have asked my Higher Power to release me from this bondage of hurting myself with food. One moment at a time and there is no fixing this for good, just a moment by moment bits of freedom that string together  a bridge out of this prison.